Is It Ok To Get Angry At Other People?

[Survivor2Thriver]

Anger is fear based. Anytime you find yourself angry and/or offended. Find your fear. People vent all the time. Its a healthy release. I vote vent away!

Keeping in mind venting and anger are two different things..

 

[Meadowsweet]

Keeping in mind venting and anger are two different things..

In what way? How do we tell the difference between someone who believes they are venting their anger, and people who are being angry?

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

venting their anger,

You're adding words to what I said. Boo. ;) Venting isn't always about anger. Releasing negative energy is healthy. Life happens. Its better to vent it out instead of getting angry. Fine line but its there!

 

[Hashi]

this thread is about my experience of hearing people admitting that they are angry and firing it at others, because they feel justified in doing so

Do you mean they've actually said (a) they want to hurt the other person, (b) they are justified in hurting them or (c) they're angry and they're justified in "firing" that anger at someone else? Or have they said that they're justified in expressing their feelings of anger towards others? Because those can be very different things. And my point is that the last one can be perceived in different ways, one of which is that they're simply being forthright.

You've been saying that the justification seems to be that they think it's OK to hurt someone else. Now I'm unclear how much you're surmising compared to what these anger-expressing people have admitted to.

If you're going partly by how things seem to you, I'm suggesting that maybe you're making some wrong assumptions about people's feeling of justification. You don't seem to be allowing for the fact that other people might experience things very differently from you.

If you're talking about people who say they're justified in firing anger at others to hurt them then yes, that's a different discussion.

 

[Philippa]

Releasing negative energy is healthy. Life happens. Its better to vent it out instead of getting angry.

I got asked to leave a forum of spiritually minded people for starting a vent thread and posting ONE post that was a vent on it! I resolved what I was venting about straight after I vented it, and the discussion turned into a massive debate about whether venting is being "negative" and therefore 'bad' or whether it's just like steam releasing from a pipe that restores the person back to homeostasis. I was of the opinion that it was the later and healthy...but I was shunned for it, and actually ended up getting angry and a bit rude at them because I was being harassed for venting...which further solidified their opinion that venting is bad.

Can't win with some people. :D

 

[Philippa]

This was pretty much what I was saying earlier Hashi. I don't think the intent for someone getting angry is usually to hurt anyone...they are just angry, and that anger can affect someone more sensitive to the point where they feel hurt by it. Someone else may not feel hurt and it will slide off their back or be handled in a different way.

Most of the time I don't think people know they are actually hurting anyone, they just get caught up in the moment and the fire of anger...and later cannot understand what the fuss was about or why the person is hurt.

Obviously there are people who set out to hurt others, but most of the time I think it stems from just not being aware of where their own anger stems from and how their sarcasm, passive aggressiveness or aggression is actually affecting others.

 

[Pencil]

In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves. Buddha

I find this statement particularly true and always try to keep it in mind.

Most of the time I don't think people know they are actually hurting anyone, they just get caught up in the moment and the fire of anger...and later cannot understand what the fuss was about or why the person is hurt. Obviously there are people who set out to hurt others, but most of the time I think it stems from just not being aware of where their own anger stems from and how their sarcasm, passive aggressiveness or aggression is actually affecting others.

@Philippa, I think you nailed it.

@Albatross and @Meadowsweet. I agree that retreating in itself is not angry, and that is what I do as a rule. But saying 'And on cue I leave' (leaving me, and probably others as well, clueless as to what is going on) is a bit like slamming the door on the way out.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Venting isn't always about anger.

Ok, but the thread is about venting anger. I'm all for getting on the soap box about politics or the cost of living etc. But to get on the soap box and get angry at old people, or black people, or women, or single parents has the potential to cause harm by drumming up fear and prejudice in others.

So I don't think it is ok to vent about those things.

(c) they're angry and they're justified in "firing" that anger at someone else?

That one. Perhaps they are completely blind to the fact that firing their anger at others could bring about harm to others. I've lived with someone who felt that I was responsible for him firing off anger with his fists, so yes, I can see that someone can fire off without intending to hurt other people.

Most of the time I don't think people know they are actually hurting anyone, they just get caught up in the moment and the fire of anger...and later cannot understand what the fuss was about or why the person is hurt.

I understand this, but shouldn't they learn?

When a child has a tantrum, it's not good parenting to shout back telling them that they are bad for feeling angry. But it is equally poor parenting to tell them that it's ok to have tantrums because they were angry. Instead, you teach a child that it's ok to have those feelings, but that they can express them in a way that doesn't hurt or endanger themselves or others (or property).

Why are adults that get angry at others any different?

"Oops, I didn't mean to kill you, I was just angry"

 

[Pencil]

I understand this, but shouldn't they learn?

When you deal with both adults and children, how do you make them learn if they can't SEE it for themselves? The way there is usually a long and circuitous one. Unless they get to the point that they can see and admit their own behaviour and the intentions behind it, and the outcomes they secretly wish to achieve, you are actually setting up the situation for escalating anger - on both sides.

This is a real question, not a loaded one: While writing your previous post, did you feel any anger?

 

[Meadowsweet]

When you deal with both adults and children, how do you make them learn if they can't SEE it for themselves?

You can't make anyone learn. But you can tell them that you don't find their behavior acceptable and bring discussions about anger out into the open, for us all to learn from, like we are doing here.

While writing your previous post, did you feel any anger?

No. Why? did I seem angry?

 

[Lionheart]

Yes, it is fine to get angry as long as you don't get angry with me.
*(I am kidding of course). ;)

I haven't read the entire thread, so I may be repeating what has already been said, but I think it all depends on how you express the anger or act / re-act to anger directed at you.

I got really angry with my therapist one day and instead of having a big blow-up, we simply sat down and expressed our feelings and came to a mutual decision as how best to resolve the problem.

I almost fainted, I had always thought that anger lead to violence. I had no clue that two adults who were having an anger issue could simply sit down, discuss the problem calmly, and try to come to a mutually agreeable resolution.

In that moment my "t" had modeled for me a way to deal with anger that I have tried to use ever since, with a lot of success too, I might add.:tup:

When others express anger towards me, I will tell them that I can't understand what they are saying if they yell at me. This sometimes quietens them down. I will let them rant, not taking any of it personal, and look for the real reason for their anger....

(it seems to me the reason a lot of times is that the person is scared or hurt). I speak in firm but low tones to the other person, make apologies if appropriate, and try to let them know they have been heard.

However, having said that, if they are extremely aggressive, their language is particularly nasty, and they attack me, I will often pop them in the nose because I get triggered. *(I haven't had any anger management classes!!!).

I hate that I do that because I am not normally a violent person, but having had a poor model of adult anger issues, I will resort to old habits when under stress. I attempt to walk away first, if they will let me and it is advisable at that point that they let me!!!

Anyways I am just babbling on and hope that I haven't interrupted the thread with my perspective on anger.

 

[Meadowsweet]

You're not interrupting at all lionheart and your perspective is very worthwhile.

Yours, and the perspectives of others is raising a new question.

If somebody gets angry and takes it out on another/others, is the onus on the receiver of that anger to grow a thicker skin or learn how to cope with it, without being frightened or hurt?