Saw My New T ... But What To Do Now?

[ghotiff]

I saw my new T today...and I'm not sure what to do now.

[To recap the past....I started seeing a T approx 9mths ago. During the counselling she wanted to me to go through all my abuse memories so I did what I was told.... I went really down hill and ended up in a very dark place. Now, 3mths after stopping seeing my ex-T I'm getting better (but still nowhere where near as functioning as I was pre-therapy).]

So my new T. First impressions were that I liked her and I liked her honesty. For example, she explained that she was not experienced in complex trauma and did not think it a good idea for her to process trauma with me.

But, there were a couple of moments where things went a little wrong. For example I tried to explain how I tend to minimise things, eg I can look at the current situation of my kids watching a lot of TV as either
a) because I can't be present enough to parent for all the required hours, or
b) that I've decided to experiment with them self-regulating TV.
My point was that I can appear really high functioning to outsiders by changing how I describe things....but she responded that this is a good thing because psychology is about re-framing experiences into more positive ones....this was not my point. My point was that I come up with good cover stories for my problems so they don't look like problems and I do this a lot... but it actually minimises my communicated symptoms because I don't ever acknowledge to anyone (other than myself) that the reality is that they are watching more TV because I just can't attend to them as much as I want to.

So these are my options (as I currently see them).

1) Get a referral to a complex trauma / PTSD expert
- This involves a wait (based on experience 2-3mths), and a 'start again'....but maybe this is the best plan.

2) See her and maybe end up with a PTSD diagnosis.
- I asked her how a potential diagnosis of PTSD would work. She said that she could provide the assessment etc and could diagnose me and she could focus our sessions towards this
- I don't quite understand myself on this one. I think that if I got a diagnosis, that I would feel validated that I'm not just weird....that I have a legitimate problem (I have invalidation issues). Maybe this is silly. I also might not be severe enough to be diagnosed. Then again...if I am to get a diagnosis, my symptoms definitely worse at the moment (due to my ex-T), so this might be the time if I'm looking for a 'yes' to PTSD.

3) See her and focus on DBT
- The DBT would be very skills based, and not reference my trauma. I don't know much about DBT, but I would have thought that an understanding of how my trauma and how it affected me would be important in getting value of learning DBT through a T. (but we will not do any trauma work).

4) Learn DBT on my own.
- Much cheaper, I can do this at my own pace, and in my 'free' time, and I'm pretty good at learning through reading. Does anyone have experience doing this?

5) Keep doing what I'm doing now (maybe also do DBT on my own).
- Working on my own to recover from the damage from my ex-T. It is working, I am getting slowly further back to my pre-therapy self.
- This is also a 'free' option, which makes it doubly tempting. Weekly therapy costs (even with government support reductions) are extremely expensive. I'm currently not convinced that therapy will be any more successful than going it on my own. In fact my last experience is that therapy can actually be more destructive.

Any input is welcome.

 

[ghotiff]

I'm still on a bit of a rant after my new T session (sorry everyone)

@Mayday linked an article on another thread that had a quote that really resonated with me. "And when someone is outwardly successful in most areas of life, who looks within to see the hidden wounds?"

My T today asked me today how I managed to be so successful during my teens (with I think the assumption that I could apply the same approach with my current sate of mind). I responded I had a well formulated suicide plan with everything necessary assembled (an escape hatch) and I was cutting. She didn't really respond to this and I don't feel like she heard me. My point was ...in my teens particularly I wasn't coping. Just because I was successful with my school-work etc this DOES NOT mean I was coping. Sometimes I feel that the only way I will get validated is if I stop looking so outwardly successful. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I'm not so bad that I CAN fake it.....but her comment at one point today was that it is a good thing "to fake it until you make it"....um....its been over 25 years and I'm still faking it....exactly when do I get to "make it"?

Is this example a sign that she is not the right T for me?

 

[shimmerz]

Just because I was successful with my school-work etc this DOES NOT mean I was coping.

Boy can I relate to this! This in itself is a bit of a red flag to me. You may have some frustration with communication and that may be triggering. I personally work with a man right now who has no deep awareness of PTSD or CPTSD but he is excellent at helping me deal with issues that are happening right now. He provides me with different visions of potential outcomes.

did not think it a good idea for her to process trauma with me

I am not certain whether a therapist can 'not process trauma' with a person who has active PTSD. Just wondering what that would look like.

So I think, if I were looking at this I would want some clarity as to what I wanted out of these sessions. Is the idea to break or manage the PTSD knowing that it is of complex form or to deal with day to day life in a better way? What is your end goal?

First impressions were that I liked her and I liked her honesty.

First impressions on character sound good and trust is important.

I know, clear as mud and helpful as rain in the monsoons right?

 

[TimeToHeal]

Hi @ghotiff. I would strongly recommend you seek out a therapist who is experienced in trauma/comped trauma treatment. Sure, you could use this new T to help you "manage" your symptoms, so to speak. But it has been my experience that until you get down to the "root" cause of everything, things will continue to surface and resurface.

It is unfortunate that you may be looking at a 2-3 month wait before you are able to see a specialized trauma T. However, you could spend that time knowing you are headed towards the help and treatment you actually need (including proper diagnosis), or you could spend the next 2-3 months floundering with a therapist not qualified to deal with your issues and history.

It sounds like even in this first meeting that she has said things which seem to minimize your experiences - not a good thing when one of the major things you seem is validation.

Also, you could spend the time you are waiting to see a trauma therapist reading and learning some DBT skills which may help you to cope I the meantime.

I'm really sorry you're experiencing so much difficulty in finding an appropriate therapist. But please don't give up - I assure you, it will be worth the wait, and YOU are worth it!

 

[shell]

I am currently in the process of trying out a new therapist who is going on leave for 8 weeks, two sessions after I start, so I am hanging onto my old one during her absence, it is an opportunity to see if she is a good fit, before leaving the old therapist.

Sometimes we have to go with that gut feeling about whether someone feels wrong or right, what does she have to offer you while you wait for the trauma therapist?

Are you needing support to get you through the next 12 weeks, does she feel supportive? I have thought of going it alone and doing only self therapy for a while, but I start feeling really anxious about having no-one to talk to, so I realized at this time I still really need support.

 

[Hashi]

@ghotiff if OK to ask, how did you find/start seeing your previous therapist, and how did you find/start seeing this one?

 

[ghotiff]

Previous T was through doctor referral. Her website describes experience in child sexual assault.

Second one was through a friends referral to a practice with multiple t's. My friend doesn't have my issues (past or potential diagnosis) bit has some pretty bad childhood issues.

I google searched for PTSD T's in my area but the all stated that they only did PTSD from adult based trauma. There must be some, but I couldn't find them.

 

[Hashi]

@ghotiff, I'm confused. You said this therapist you are seeing now isn't experienced in complex trauma, so presumably not in childhood trauma. Is that correct? Should you really be seeing anyone like this, rather that waiting and trying to find someone who is?

Googling isn't always the best way to find a therapist. I think looking through professional association's registers is a better bet, or the directory of a relevant trauma-related help organisation. You need to identify what you want and need from therapy then be asking questions about that when you vet potential therapists.

In my view, a two to three month wait to see a PTSD/trauma expert is the only option. Then, I think you still need to check that they're the right kind of therapist for you. For example, someone else might have EMDR or CBT at the top of their list of what they want from therapy, while I might have art therapy or compassion-focussed therapy. Different trauma specialists have different approaches amongst themselves.

But a trauma specialist for sure, in my opinion.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks @Hashi

I'm confused to. I thought I was clear to the admin group at this new clinic. I certainly spent time disclosing my history etc (which as I know you understand, was not easy). I was surprised when she wasn't experienced enough. I also am concerned with how she believes she can diagnose me, but not be experienced enough to do trauma work. ??? Is this possible. It seems a bit risky to me. The last thing I want is to be misdiagnosed.

Thanks for the insights. I hadn't thought about the focus of therapy (still new to this). The idea of "compassion based" really appeals. I'm sure there is good stuff in DBT, but I'm not drawn to it, a lot of it seems familiar. I've been managing myself for decades (read lots if books etc) and I'm pretty high functioning.

Also thanks for the views on where to look. I hadn't though of them.

 

[ghotiff]

Oh. I also got a bunch of referrals from a rape crisis service. But the web descriptions of all of these worried me. The worst was someone whose web page was all about corporate motivating. I have been to those things through work and have never been impressed. They are typically people who only can see soft and light problems. Eg the positive psychology movement.

 

[ghotiff]

@shimmerz

Your comment :
"You may have some frustration with communication and that may be triggering"

The more I let this comment sink in the more I hear it's truth.

She is not the right person for me.

Your other comment about what do I want from therapy. ...
I don't know. Maybe to be validated. To understand and come to terms with my quirks. To know when to push through and when to nurture myself. For someone to say "yes, I believe you" in such a way that I believe it. I still get these horrible feelings that I'm wrong about it somehow. It seems to not matter about the evidence, I still feel like no one believes me when really it's about me believing me.

I suppose my childhood message was - hide it, it's not that bad.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It is a process of searching for the right therapist. I have had good ones and bad ones. Now I have a psychiatrist that sees and hears me and is really helping me.

You can get PTSD from childhood abuse. I understand your fears of being misdiagnosed. It is understandable. You have to trust your gut if if the the new therapist is a good fit for you or not.

You are worth fighting for and keep on going forward and not giving up on yourself.

I was a fully fake person when I started therapy in 1985. I felt like the therapy process picked me up by the ankles and shook every part of me out and there was nothing left. I had end of the world nightmares and I was so badly shaken. I was also very naïve and gullible and had no common sense at all.

I began to become real. It was a slow, long journey and I am now having more and more good days. I feel like I have finally grown up and I like the real me now.

I had so many illusions and false beliefs that I had to get rid of. I made many painful and costly mistakes which I now consider learning experiences. I was surrounded by a very toxic family that did not believe me or able to support me.

I had to cut so many people out of my life but it was good because I had outgrown them as I got healthier.

There is a future and a hope for you if you stick it out and do not give up. Keep on learning and growing and know the bad days pick you, and they pass. A decent therapist will help you go through this. You are doing the right thing.

Be safe and stay safe.