Saw My New T ... But What To Do Now?

[shimmerz]

I suppose my childhood message was - hide it, it's not that bad.

Yes @ghotiff, and to me that has been the biggest lie to break through. Once I stopped being quiet I was on my way. It is so hard though. The moment someone doesn't want to hear me or cannot hear me then I know to stand back. It may not be my fault or their fault but it is simply not good for me and I get to choose now.

 

[ghotiff]

Thank you so much everyone for your support and your insights. They have really helped me work out a decision path.

Are you needing support to get you through the next 12 weeks,

No, I don't at the moment. In fact I think I am better off alone. My last T was a disaster and I ended up in a really dark place and I'm very fearful of ending back there again. I think it would be best for me (right now) to continue getting myself back to my pre-T state and once there starting T again, but this time with a PTSD expert.

I would want some clarity as to what I wanted out of these sessions

I've been thinking more about what I want from therapy. I don't want tools to 'fake' it better. I 'fake' it well (always have)....This thinking lends itself well to a recent quote I read from Toxic Parents
"victims often become very skillful child actors. In their inner world, there is so much terror, confusion, sadness, loneliness, and isolation that many develop a false self with which to relate to the outside world, to act as if things were fine and normal. "

I want to stop "acting" and actually 'feel' better. I want to not need to use all my strategies as often as I do. My strategies work and I appreciate them, but I would like to not 'need them' as much. I suppose I am really looking for someone who understands. For example, when I tell a story about something I wish I could do better with my kids, I want someone to hear that the issue is not how much TV they are watching, or my parenting (they are fine and I'm an okay parent)....my issue is that I HATE being this way, I hate the limitations I have. I wish I could spend more time playing with them, and less time in bed recovering from a unexpected trigger.

Is there any way you can 'test out' a new potential T without paying $200 for the"privilege"?

 

[shimmerz]

@ghotiff!!!!!!! Holy!!!! Do you see the switch in focus in just the day of thinking about this? You have grounded out completely it looks like! Woooohooooo! Look at you go!

As far as the money goes. Here a t-doc is 160 per 40 minutes. No test drive here my friend. :confused:

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks @shimmerz
:)

 

[shimmerz]

Seriously @ ghotiff - great recovery time for something so big. Totally cool comeback! :cool:

 

[Suzetig]

@ghotifg your thoughts about what you want from therapy are so helpful to me, I've been trying to figure out how to explain to my therapist what I want from therapy if we're going to start looking at old trauma and what you've said hits the nail on the head. I want to feel differently about myself rather than acting like I feel differently, I want to stop having negative thoughts all the time instead of needing to challenge them. I want to be able to cope rather than constantly needing coping strategies. I too do a great like in looking like I'm ok, I'd like to actually feel ok.

Thanks for your post, it's helped me so much.

 

[ghotiff]

You are more than welcome. I've been looking into therapy for almost a year now and I'm only just working this out. I think its in reaction to the things that have gone wrong in therapy for me. Once I have a new T, I'm not sure how I would communicate this though.

Have you been seeing your therapist long?

 

[Pencil]

Is there any way you can 'test out' a new potential T without paying $200 for the"privilege"?

Well said!

 

[Suzetig]

Argh @ghotiff sorry for misspelling your name earlier. I've been seeing her since January for work issues but some old trauma stuff has reared it's head again and I'm going to talk to her about working through this. She's a trauma specialist and has been very good for me thus far but I have a very hard time asking for support or identifying what my needs are so it's helpful for me to think about it in the way you've written. Whether I can actually articulate that when I see her is a whole other thing.

 

[Pencil]

Is this example a sign that she is not the right T for me?

Yes!

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks @Pencil. I really appreciate the support.

For some reason I really struggle with the concept of rejecting a therapist and I actually think I couldn't do it without someone who understands supporting the decision. I'm not sure whats going on inside my head with this. She openly admitted that she might not be the right T for me, that she didn't feel sufficiently qualified/experienced to do trauma work with me....and yet I still feel bad about moving on from her and continuing my search for the right T.

 

[Pencil]

I want to feel differently about myself rather than acting like I feel differently, I want to stop having negative thoughts all the time instead of needing to challenge them. I want to be able to cope rather than constantly needing coping strategies. I too do a great like in looking like I'm ok, I'd like to actually feel ok.

I feel strongly about this, and always get a sinking feeling when I read about 'coping strategies' and the like. To me this is palliative, and it doesn't free any time to actually LIVE. I don't want to continually be busy with myself, either feeling symptoms, suffering symptoms on the one hand, or combating symptoms and 'coping' on the other hand.[DOUBLEPOST=1398765976,1398765841][/DOUBLEPOST]

yet I still feel bad about moving on from her and continuing my search for the right T

I know that irrational feeling. For me it is almost like rejecting her, as well as thinking 'better the devil you know' as well as wondering if I'll find someone else. Especially if they are nice as people.