Saw My New T ... But What To Do Now?

[City Slicker]

...and part of it is too that the witness acknowledges the reality and doesn't allow for a denial of what happened.

That 'moment', when that can actually happen is so powerful - someone, another human being sees you, hears you, hurts for you, handles you gently, will not hurt you when your world seems to be falling apart. You share a truth. It's mutually shared.

Witnessing 'restores' both the witness and survivor. The witness is as much a part of the process as is the survivor no matter when the event took place.

The 'alliance' that is formed is beyond words but deeply felt.

I have had a couple of brief experiences of this along the way in my life not with therapists but with people that came in and out of my life at signpost moments. Sometimes I was the witness and sometimes they were. The bond we shared transcends time and space - but they were times when I knew something incredibly deep was happening - we existed together, I hurt, they hurt, we saw each other together, maybe we yelled or cried together, we were silent together, we went to battle for a good cause, we stood on the front lines together. We moved on separately, changed. I guess because I have felt it, I yearn for it now.

With my current therapist, I was practically falling over with gratitude that a therapist would be kind to me. I didn't see the things that were lacking until much later. I guess it's like any relationship - everyone's process unfolds in their own time - don't rent the u-haul until you have good reason to believe it's going to work out lol. It took me longer than a 20 minute phone consultation and a bunch of office sessions to identify what I needed in the therapeutic relationship. And then a few more sessions of me trying to convince myself that her attempts were 'enough' and that I should be grateful to have someone willing to sit in the same room with me (at a very steep rate per hour)

That's some messed up business right there... lol.

Here's to finding a good trauma specialist.

 

[Hashi]

It took me longer than a 20 minute phone consultation and a bunch of office sessions to identify what I needed in the therapeutic relationship

Yes, that's true for everyone probably. And I think the 20 minute phone consultation and initial sessions are a start. We can at least eliminate the deal breakers, be alert to question marks and look for the good signs from the outset.

People talking here have had some previous therapy and have come to some insights now. I'm wondering how people take those insights into their search for a new therapist. I don't really understand your comment in that context. Do you think there's any advance research and checking that's helpful to try to match a potential therapist to what you realise you need?

 

[City Slicker]

Do you think there's any advance research and checking that's helpful to try to match a potential therapist to what you realise you need?

I hadn't had experience in therapy until this one and I did quite a bit of checking and researching prior. I didn't know what I needed because you 'don't know what you don't know.' I am more aware of the qualities now that I am seeking in a practitioner. She was who she was right off the bat and I saw those disconcerting/upsetting things but convinced myself my expectations were too high.

 

[Hashi]

@City Slicker I mean, going forward. Having seen this therapist, and now being more aware of the qualities you're seeking now. Do you have a strategy for how to include this awareness in searching for a new therapist?

 

[City Slicker]

Going forward I am looking for a trauma specialist with experience and someone older with life experience. These things were not present in my current therapist. I am also more aware of my own 'voice' vis a vis trusting my own sense of their limitations rather than talking myself out of what I was seeing.

 

[ghotiff]

I wrote a very clear email about what I wanted and didn't want in therapy and sent this email to a T I found though my countries association (thanks to earlier advice in this thread).

Interstingly my ex T is on that list, and listed as PTSD experienced.

She hasn't replied yet, it's been over 24hrs. I'm worried my email was too clear and that I look like a difficult patient. But, that's my current approach. I'm not sure how many days to wait before I email someone else.

 

[ghotiff]

My new T replied to the email (a nice detailed reply)...and she gave me her phone number. I called and she chatted for about 20min to me on the phone. So far, I have got a really good vibe. She made it really clear that she wants our therapy to be interactive and she wants me to feel free to let her know things, control the pace etc. I'm so excited that she might be the 'one' that I am concerned that I'm doing my standard 'trust too far too soon' dance.

 

[City Slicker]

That's really great news ghotiff. I hear you about the 'trust too soon' But what I really hear in your post is 'hope'. I know for us trauma survivors there can sometimes be a very fine line between hope and 'insanity' (insanity meaning repeating the same things over and over and expecting different results).

Let yourself have and experience hope - it's one of the casualties of trauma and we sometimes lose it pretty fast. It's nice to feel it when it comes.

 

[ghotiff]

I saw my new T today. So far I really like her. It's really silly but her office is a bit messy (maybe more "lived in") but I like it.

If anyone thinks it's of value to see the initial email I sent her, please let me know.

 

[Pencil]

If anyone thinks it's of value to see the initial email I sent her, please let me know.

Yes, I do.

 

[shimmerz]

@ghotiff yes please!

 

[ghotiff]

Here it is....

Hi,

I am a 40ish adult survivor of 2 separate childhood sexual abuse periods (and perpetrators) over the ages 6 to 15. I am fairly high functioning with a job, husband and children. I am recent to the exploration of therapy.

My first therapist attempt (I saw her for approx 6mths, and she was technically qualified to help me) pushed too fast and I ended up in a very dark place (low functioning). After I stopped seeing her I have managed to claw my way to almost my pre-therapy self.

My second therapist attempt told me (this week, at our first session) that she didn't feel qualified/experienced to do trauma work with me, instead she offered DBT. I appreciated her honesty.

I have spent many months researching and I believe I have PTSD. I may not have symptoms severe enough to qualify for such a diagnosis (but a diagnosis is not relevant to me). I am however looking for a PTSD experienced therapist with sufficient experience in complex trauma.

After the difficulties after/during seeing my first therapist I am unwilling to discuss details of my childhood abuse until I am sure that I am ready. Until then (and also during) I would like to receive from therapy primarily validation and understanding of 'me' and also insights into my current behaviours that are not helpful to my happiness or health (I have a number of health issues such as [removed examples for privacy] etc).

What I would like to avoid is; going too fast, minimisation and particularly comparisons to others (the approach of normalising my trauma or symptoms makes me feel worse). I need to feel understood.

Could you please let me know if you think we are a good fit, and if so I would like to call you to discuss further.

Ghotiff.