Saw My New T ... But What To Do Now?

[ghotiff]

I feel strongly about this, and always get a sinking feeling when I read about 'coping strategies' and the like. To me this is palliative, and it doesn't free any time to actually LIVE. I don't want to continually be busy with myself, either feeling symptoms, suffering symptoms on the one hand, or combating symptoms and 'coping' on the other hand.

Wow....I really thought I was alone with this one. Thanks @Pencil[DOUBLEPOST=1398769123,1398768893][/DOUBLEPOST]I don't need more bandaids....I need to stop bleeding all the time.

 

[Pencil]

stop bleeding all the time

I find the 'bleeding' interesting. Many people spontaneously use the word, I can also only describe it as bleeding. The ex therapist described it as a perfectly natural feeling in response to wounds. Which means that the wounds need to heal, and adding another layer of bandaids will only make things worse. This is why I am so against CBT and similar forms of therapy for ME.

 

[ghotiff]

Interesting.

To me the bleeding is a physical/visible analogy for a constant draining of resources. While you can replenish your blood over time, it takes a lot of energy (and careful management of your total resources) to do this. Also, I'm aware that if I let the blood drain to much (or not enough bandaids), I will have a complete 'breakdown'.

 

[shimmerz]

Wow....I really thought I was alone with this one.

Don't we all? Thank god for the internet and being able to act within a community.

 

[Hashi]

Is there any way you can 'test out' a new potential T without paying $200 for the"privilege"?

Can you talk to a potential therapist on the phone for 5 or 10 minutes before deciding whether to make an initial appointment?

That's what I do. If you think in advance about what you want to ask and - equally importantly - how, what things are essential, what things are deal-breakers and so on, it can tell you a great deal.

If a therapist won't give me 5 minutes on the phone before I decide whether to make an appointment, that in itself would be a deal breaker. But maybe it's different where I am?

 

[Chosen]

Psychology Today has a listing for finding T's. It might be primarily a US service, though.

I've had T's who gave me 20-30 min consultations for free to see if there was a good fit. It depends on each T, I guess.

I'd also advocate for a trauma specialist. However, I also have a good T who doesn't specialize in trauma, but he helped me learn how to bond/attach appropriately with friends enough that I feel like I have a much better foundation to do more trauma work.

 

[Pencil]

o me the bleeding is a physical/visible analogy for a constant draining of resources.

For me it is a physical feeling in my solar plexus. It physically feels as though I'm bleeding. All the time.

 

[Suzetig]

@Pencil I did CBT about 8 years ago and we addressed abuse issues, she wasn't trained or experienced in trauma and looking back I think she really struggled with the level of feeling I brought to session. I did learn very effective strategies for looking like I was doing fine but all the emotion and pain and body stress remained. So, to the outside world I look successful, like I have a charmed life and on the inside I've got this seeping wound which poisons everything. I think CBT can be useful for enabling people to function but I really then needed to deal with the issues properly and my T at that time couldn't or wouldn't do that.

I think my current T is much different, I strongly suspect she knew immediately this would be a longer piece of work and is waiting for me to be able to explain what I need. I'm getting closer to being able to do that just by reading this thread.

 

[City Slicker]

This conversation has been very helpful for me in my figuring out where to go with my current therapy and therapist and why I have been feeling so much worse lately while going through therapy.

I am not sure if it's related to early attachment problems growing up with a mentally ill mother but I have suspicions that it is part of what makes me incredibly 'sunburned skinned' when my therapist. An example: Two weeks ago I told my therapist I was needing to take time off to work. She asked if she could call for a brief check in and I agreed. When she called, the first thing she said was, 'I haven't got a lot of time so I will get to my agenda...'

I almost hung up the phone on her - I felt like that ugly, hungry, needy, stupid child in the space of a sentence. I regret that I didn't hang up the phone on her. I was trying to be 'an adult' and not have what I perceived as such thin or sensitive skin. By not hanging up on her I felt I let that 'little kid' down but not taking care of her however I needed to. I feel this way a lot with this therapist.

Speaking only for myself, I have come to the conclusion that I know it's possible to learn the hard and soft skills on my own - what I was looking for in therapy was someone that understood the importance of 'witnessing' someone that could role model or mirror proper witnessing for me and help me with that foundation. I have been learning instead how much damage is done by 'inappropriate witnessing' - whether it's from a current therapist, someone we trusted from the past that didn't understand what was wrong, an ill parent, a teacher... etc.

Witnessing doesn't have to be hearing about the stuff that went on back then, it can simply mean being skilled in 'attuning' to the person with whom you are relating. When I think back to the therapist wanting to check in with me, I felt cared about so I consented to a brief phone check in. When the first thing she said was she didn't have a lot of time, I felt slapped, stung and wounded. I know why. I needed someone that could 'witness' appropriately, not cause damage by creating a shame state in me.

Relating this stuff to attachment theory (the article that I believe Pencil sent in another post) I am making more sense of what I need in attachment relationships with people. Also I have been learning how important it is for a clinician to know how to 'witness' properly especially with trauma survivors that have had to hide, fake, believe that whatever it was wasn't that bad, didn't happen... and so on.

The most irritating of all is knowing I have to find a new therapist and feeling so lost with such a feeling of betraying her, being disloyal to her. Thankfully I can laugh a bit at myself. Now, if I could turn the mirror further I might find that those are the feelings I am developing for myself when I think of that kid that was so alone and hurt back then.

Thank you for this discussion.

 

[Chosen]

@City Slicker, I SO agree with your comments about witnessing. I've always felt that with my T--that I want him to witness, and I want him to see me when I'm hurting, and watch to see how he responds and in so doing learn better what's appropriate to expect from others...and part of it is too that the witness acknowledges the reality and doesn't allow for a denial of what happened.

 

[Hashi]

I'm wondering something. I'm a very practical person, so I'm reading these various posts with so much valuable insight and I'm waiting for the next bit about what that means when looking for and choosing a therapist. What does it translate into when you're trying to find someone suitable?

I'm not sure if people are meaning they're now going to search for and discuss these things with possible therapists, and can see how to do that. Otherwise, it would still be pot luck whether a therapist had an approach compatible with these needs. I think there are ways and means to vet therapists on things like this before deciding whether to try seeing them. Is that the plan?

 

[Suzetig]

In my case I already have a T I've been working with since January. She's a trauma specialist and I from the way we've worked already I know she would be happy being a witness to my process and recovery - in many ways she already has. I also know she'll be happy to know what I want from therapy and work with me. I was fairly picky in choosing her though and purposely wanted someone with an integrative way of working, so I know she'll go with what I need rather than sticking to one particular theoretical approach.