Dom Violence Domestic Violence and Children

[Nicolette]

Since this issue has been raised and has been running around in my head from discussions early today, I thought it was appropriate to discuss DV and children.

I was wondering if others would discuss domestic violence from the perspective of being a child in it too.

It seems many of us here who have suffered domestic violence have experienced some sort of abusive childhood - it's like we have a predisposition or have been cultivated to suit living and functioning in a domestic violence situation.

It would be reasonable to conclude that being raised in an abusive household would lead that child to be more than likely become accustomed to those type of behaviours despite being highly likely to consciously wanting to avoid them as adults. There is as saying that "what we think is what we attract" so I wonder does an abused child subconsciously seek out that is what familiar (ingrained in their thinking processes) despite actually wanting to avoid abusive situations.

I once read an a book titled something along the lines of 'Children of Alcoholics" and it explained that a child who had grown up around an alcoholic and had become an adult, who may never have touched alcohol themselves, actually sub consciously sought out relationships which allowed them to act as if they were living with an alcoholic. It was very interesting reading and it was given to me due to the parallels to abuse as I was trying to untangle my own "messed up" sense of a normal relationship. See, no matter how hard I tried, I ended up with a version of my step father as a boyfriend despite always be consciously aware of wanting some who was not abusive, was loving, kind and affectionate - all the things which were shortcomings in my childhood.

What are your thoughts?

 

[Nicolette]

While pondering this you might like to read some information which is already out there:

Domestic violence (often called ‘family violence’) can include physical, verbal, sexual or emotional abuse. Children who witness regular acts of violence have greater emotional and behavioural problems than other children. Even very young children can be profoundly frightened and affected.

Contrary to popular belief, witnessing episodes of violence between people they love can affect young children as much as if they were the victims of the violence. Source Better Health Channel

And under 'Long Term Effects' say

Some of the long-term effects may include copying their parental role models and behaving in similarly destructive ways in their adult relationships.

 

[Nicolette]

Another informative website, 1800RESPECT states the following

When children live with domestic and family violence, they are experiencing trauma. It can be trauma which is ongoing and long-lasting. Domestic and family violence can prevent the child’s brain from developing as it should - this affects every part of their functioning. The effects build up over time, and can impact on every aspect of their life.

So are we, who sit here as victims of domestic violence, actually living out what we had no control over due to our upbringing and conditioning as a child. Is this why we don't leave as the traumatisation we endured forces us to continue to have relationships with people who while violent and cruel, have been our only example of what 'normal' is?

 

[Nicolette]

As a child in a domestic violence situation I recall being 'taught' coping methods used as an adult being 'walking on eggshells', avoidance of the abuser, denial in not wanting to accept that someone who loves you could hurt you so and the list goes on.

While I don't think my moral compass go screwed up growing up, I found in my early 20 wondering why I was so different from my friends and those around me who had flourishing happy and healthy relationships. I read book upon book trying to work on why I couldn't find that and read titles of books which now are embarassing like "How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You'' or something I would now consider demeaning. The only thing I could work out is that there was something different between them and me and it took years to work out it was the past abuse and I invested so much time reading about the abuse cycle and while intellectually I totally understood the model and could identify it in my own relationship I could not pull myself out of that vortex.

 

[intothelight]

Having grown up as an abused child, being in an abusive marriage, and now several years out of both I am in a position to objectively evaluate the dynamics and connect the dots. The correlation between growing up abused, and the results of that abuse leaving me vulnerable to enter into other abusive relationships is irrefutable. Because of this, I now am fully aware of the risks that my own children face as they grow up.

With that being said, regardless of my own issues, it is my responsibility as a parent to lead by example, encourage open communication, provide support, and opportunity for counseling. The hardest part is being patient and letting each child make the choices about how they will make their own journey. I want to "fix" the damage so badly, but other than doing what I am doing, there is no "fixing".

The good news is, as they mature, I see them making really good choices. Not to say they don't make some of the same mistakes that I did, but no one has made the mistake more than once or allowed it to continue. The warning signs were heeded and I can only hope that as they grow they will continue to heal. Now the tough part is keeping myself in check and making sure that I don't go all "momma bear" on someone who does cross a line. Or maybe a "momma bear" was what we all could have used at some point in our lives?

 

[Nicolette]

Debbie you write so beautifully and articulate so succinctly what would take me a page to write.

Or maybe a "momma bear" was what we all could have used at some point in our lives?

I believe you're not far off the mark. A good mother would have been a much needed start for me. Just knowing someone was there if I needed them and they were in my corner, as you are for your children, wanting to protect me and loving me would have paved the way for a better grounding to my life. Even my dad wanted to love me but he was too scared to even touch us as my mother threatened him with sexual assault charges if he didn't cough up money (she had left him and cheated on him) and let her have the control she so desperately sought all her life. It still chokes me up writing about my dad as, if anyone was wanting to try for me to have a better life, it was him.

 

[Abstract]

There is a lot I want to say but in the mean time: I truly believe that just having one parent or carer providing healthy nurturing can make all of the difference in the world. That and being removed from the domestic violent situation of course.

And healthy nurturing doesn't involve co-dependent behaviour or enmeshed behaviour with the child. It must be an awfully difficult thing to have children and deal with domestic violence. I don't have any so can only imagine. Looking back though I am almost certain I would have behaved in certain ways (initially only) that were enmeshed. So Intothelight, I think there is a world of difference between doing a Mamabear at times and behaving in a way that enmeshed. Hard to separate clearly sometimes but I think some of it comes down to internal motivation. You sound like you have a very healthy handle on it.

If you look at resiliency research I think one of the most important factors is having even just one person that is a reliable source of healthy support.

 

[Nicolette]

I have been looking about and reading and came across this scary research result. What intrigued me the most was the impact on male children. Very concerning and proving that the abuse cycle can perpetuate....

Long-term problems. Research indicates that males exposed to domestic violence as children are more likely to engage in domestic violence as adults; similarly, females are more likely to be victims (Brown & Bzostek, 2003).Higher levels of adult depression and trauma symptoms also have been found (Silvern et al., 1995). Exposure to domestic violence is also one of several adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) that have been shown to contribute to premature death, as well as risk factors for many of the most common causes of death in the United States. (For more information, visit the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study website: http://)

 

[Nicolette]

I think that being abused in the nature I was impeded my ability to love or at least identify it in my younger years. I don't know if I loved some men in my past or was just caught up in having a relationship. They started off seemingly okay but the more I was involved in one, the more I seemed to gravitate to abusive ones. It's like I was set free from home, sat on top of a hill and took a downward slide having to pull myself back up and over onto stable ground. And here comes the word failure as I knew not having a boyfriend was undesirable so I didn't consciously stay single as I did later on in life.

I don't know if I every really felt much more than like as the knowledge I was getting away from my childhood and home was my only driving force. I could never ever go back home - no matter how desolate life became and I never will, till the day I die. I know I can only remember my mother telling me she loved me once and that was when I took my son home for her to meet so the actions didn't really educate me any further on the subject. I did however tell my son that I loved him every day.

The thing which really breaks my heart with all of this is it took me a long time to release myself from the clutches of my past and learn how to love and express myself as, growing up, safety was in being numb. My poor son once told someone that I didn't hug him enough (far out it still chokes me up to my core).... I had to sit him down and tell him that my mum never hugged me nor told me that she loved me so I never learned how to show it. I told him that I loved him more than anyone in the world and if he ever needed a hug then all he needed to do was ask me or come over and I would give him one as I had to learn how to do it without thinking. Far out, a 7 year old wanting to be loved more than I knew how. :cry:

Proudly I can say my son loves me as I do him and he is very affectionate. At 21 he will still kiss and hug me in front of anyone including his mates. :D

 

[Loloma]

I have the last few years been trying to find answers to why I think and act different than many people I know. Luckily I have with the help of a therapist found out the reasons to my "why". This applies to most children who are brought up from a young age, surrounded by domestic violence. As an infant, particularly up to the age of five or six our brain is developing. The prefrontal cortex (I hope I get this right), is similar to a template. As we learn the templates store information that will need to function as healthy adults. Being in a traumatic dysfunctional environment, normal development is stunted. Some of the templates never develop and others learn the wrong messages.

In a way we never learn boundary's, firstly because we have never been taught them and secondly before mentally we don't have the capacity to differentiate between what is "normal" or not normal. Our judgement is awry, hence the confusion. I always thought I walked round with a sign on my forehead that read "abuse me".

 

[Nicolette]

I so get the sign on the forehead analogy :photo:

 

[Loloma]

Another interesting fact is that they now can measure the size of the prefrontal cortex. In abused children it shows this to be smaller in size than children living a normal healthy environment.