Sexual Assault Hyper Vigilant About Grooming

[y5L]

I have noticed that I am constantly on guard against anyone being "too nice" to me. I am not sure that I can tell the difference between someone who genuinely cares and someone who is "grooming" me.

I didn't see it coming when I was in high school- I naively thought someone actually cared for once. I know I'm not a kid anymore (I'm 30) and that I have been able to find some people who really do care about me a whole lot, but with others (especially older men) I am constantly suspicious that they are only being nice to gain my trust so they can hurt me.

Have any of you learned to tell the difference? Or have any of you learned to adopt an "innocent until proven guilty" kind of attitude? What has helped you?

 

[Lucycat]

This is a really tough one. For me it extends to others and feeling the need to be totally overprotective of children. It is not always about sex either. I am scared of the grandchildren falling off their bikes etc. I have really had to sit myself down and keep my mouth zipped and allow the people in charge - their parents or whoever make the judgment calls as I know I am out of kilter with it. I see risk everywhere.

As for grooming me - well, I don't trust people who flirt, or make sexual jokes. I just choose not to be near them. Recently a pal of Rory's ( my husband) made a comment about having me while Rory was out of the room. I laughed, made a joke and ran to where Rory was and told him in earshot of the guy, that he was acting like a pervert. The guy thought I was joking, Rory knew I was deadly serious and I felt by acting as I did I kept myself safe but without it becoming a drama to the outside world. Do I really believe this guy would have acted on his words? Truth is I just don't know. He may be Rory's pal, but I wouldn't trust him if I gave any encouragement.

So, to answer your question. No, I have not learned to tell the difference. I trust no one.

 

[digger]

I constantly have to try and second guess people's motives. I find it impossible to read people, and people being friendly and caring makes me anxious. I guess I don't trust my own judgement as much as I don't trust them.

The hardest part of this for me has been allowing my son to have the independence he needs to grow up healthily. I do allow him that independence, but it's a killer! Having to trust other people with your children when you don't understand the rules for what makes someone safe is tough.

 

[bluebird]

I´m afraid I can´t... I have friends I can trust - it is better is the person is in a relationship or much younger than me... I am also scared when somebody starts talking too much to me, especially men - I avoid them for a large amount of time... It takes quite a long time to be able to trust them. But I am acting as if everything was alright - most people think I am very friendly. I try to be polite, but in the inside I am afraid...

I do not have a child on my own, but I often freeze when I see a young child with a man - probably father - I realise I keep watching the way he is holding the little girl, horribly suspicious... Not sure if I were able to trust anyone if I had a child... Perhaps in time.

But the most difficult thing for me is my relationship with my best Friend - I trust him with all my heart, and yet, whenever I see him, I start shivering and feel horribly scared, afraid that he would turn into a monster like my abuser did - I know it´s crazy, but I can´t feel safe... He knows about it and always tries to calm me down... but I feel it´s ruining me... it´s just like - bloody hell, I hate transferance :(

 

[y5L]

Sometimes- a very rare sometimes- people I deeply trust can give me some insight into other people and dissuade me from labeling them as dangerous. I do tend to think a couple of them are much better judges of character than I am.

 

[mellybelly]

I can't trust anyone. I fear all the time for my kids. Even with my husband. I do realize, intellectually, it makes no sense. I try not to let it color my kids world. But I am constantly looking for signs.

 

[ghotiff]

I can't trust anyone. I fear all the time for my kids. Even with my husband. I do realize, intellectually, it makes no sense. I try not to let it color my kids world. But I am constantly looking for signs.

Wow....its not just me....The husband fear is crazy when I think about it logically.... I in part married him because I know he would/could never do anything like that but still I worried. As my kids get older this seems to worry me less often. I'm not sure how old your kids are, but maybe thats something to look forward to.

 

[Meadowsweet]

This is a big part of why I shut everyone out of my life. My trust in my ability to judge was destroyed totally at the last incident.

At that time, my children were young, and what happened to me could so easily have effected them. It didn't. But I felt like a failed mother nonetheless. I've not let anyone into my life since then.

 

[silkleaves]

I've said it before and mean it, I don't trust my judgement. I'm also contradictory...I can't stand when someone is complementary or too nice to me because they can't possibly mean it, on the flip,I get anxious when someone isn't complementary and nice to me, because it confirms I don't deserve it.

I don't know what I want, I don't know how to handle it no matter how anyone treats me.. though I'm more comfortable with the type of person who is dismissive as opposed to doting because at least if they are dismissive, I can rationalise why. But I have a very hard time trusting or believing in anyones good intentions...then when I finally do trust, they can pretty much do anything to me because I hold on so tight to the feeling of finally having someone I can trust, that I keep waiting it out and hoping it will be worth it and not wanting to go back to having no one, even when I know I should move on already, I just cant. I don't make any sense, I know this.

 

[berryblade]

I have noticed that I am constantly on guard against anyone being "too nice" to me. I am not sure that I can tell the difference between someone who genuinely cares and someone who is "grooming" me.

I just don't trust anyone these days until they give me a damn good reason to trust them, especially men.

 

[Fadeaway]

As for grooming me - well, I don't trust people who flirt, or make sexual jokes. I just choose not to be near them.

That is how I knew my husband was the one. He is completely the opposite of the guys who do that and gets so offend by guys who do. We met on a video game that uses voice chat. Running into guys who make comments like that is very frequent and I always got nervous and never knew how to respond. My husband who was only a friend at the time, would send me messages telling me how offensive he found it and how much it bothered him. The way he went about it just made me feel so safe.

He is literally the only person I have ever trusted in my entire life. That is only because he proved himself over and over again well before we ever entered a relationship. Everything from how much it took to make him angry, and yet even when he was pushed to his limit he stayed so calm and rational, to his attitudes about women and sex. It is funny because in our relationship the sex roles seemed to be reversed from the normal stereotypes. I am the one who is interested in sex, him, not so much. I think though it is because I feel so safe with him because he isn't a hugely sexual person.

Until I met him though, if someone suggested that I should try and give trust a try, I would laugh and say "yeah, right."