Self Harm And Alcohol...

[NovemberStar]

I just wanted to add, you do not have to be 'an alcoholic' to go to AA meetings. The only requirement for membership is "a desire to stop drinking". You don't have to stop drinking or not be drinking, to go. Of course, if you turned up very drunk and disrupted the meeting you would be asked to leave, but no one is ever 'kicked out' or excluded from going.

What you would find, is a group of people who were unable to stop drinking or control their drinking, and are now sober - and happy.

 

[xena21]

So what do you do - drink? cut or harm yourself?

I actually had promised myself I would never drink, but about a month ago is when I started drinking to get me through the nights. I didn't want to keep hurting myself and thought drinking was safer. I usually hurt myself by smashing my limbs with a hammer or wrench, or some type of object that will either bruise badly or break something. After having to go to the hospital so often I wanted an escape from the self harm. The alcohol did that for me.

It's just been the last week that I went back to hurting myself. I am going to stop drinking, since it isn't working anymore. I have been hurting myself for my entire life in one way or another, and to just stop by distracting myself is virtually impossible. I have tried repeatedly to do that. I spend hours during the day going for walks, taking the dog out, texting, going for rides in my car, researching things online, cleaning the house repeatedly, going on crisis lines, and it always ends back with me hurting myself.

I do believe my medication sucks, and doesn't help. I've tried to let my doctor know this but she doesn't agree. Beyond that, I have also tried ice, and numerous other distraction techniques. I blast music, go for a run, etc... I don't do well with mindfulness or breathing exercises. I have tried them repeatedly but it stresses me out more. I just have to figure it out somehow.

 

[NovemberStar]

You need to talk to your T. There within lies the answer

 

[Go Hungry]

I've only ever self-harmed once, and even then I was mostly accidental. I was drawing a boxcutter across my palm thinking if maybe I should do it, and then -ouch!- I felt the tiniest sting. I didn't even break the skin, but that convinced me to go to an emergency room and read until I felt better.. Since then I do something different.

I know this may sound a little weird but.. What I do is.. cut myself symbolically. I just lightly draw my thumb along my jaw, or a finger down my cheek. I'm not actually doing any damage at all, and to most people it just looks like I'm scratching at itch. But it seems to relieve stress a little. It's nice in that you can do it in public and no one is the wiser. I also thump my arms or my hands sometimes.. This sort of symbolic self-harm seems to help sometimes...

And drinking? Well... I had to give that up entirely. I was very much on the way to being a full blown alcoholic when I figured it out and threw my rum away. It happened so gradually that it never occurred to me until that night. So if you think you might be getting there, trust me, just hit an AA meeting. They are filled with caring people who battle just like we do everyday, even if it's for different reasons. Nobody says you have to stay... =)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I just wanted to add, you do not have to be 'an alcoholic' to go to AA meetings. The only requirement for membership is "a desire to stop drinking".

Agree with @NovemberStar

I have been to AA and at the time I was not drinking but I realized that I used to use it as coping and that when things got bad, my mind would go to drinking. I couldn't walk in the liquor aisle at the grocery store becasue I would crave it. So while I wasn't drinking, the problems were still there as in; it's something to fall back on too.

AA really helped me and I no longer see drinking as a opinion. I have a lot of respect for AA.

 

[xena21]

My therapist is someone that I fear discussing my self harm with. I like her in most other ares of her care, but I am scared to go over those drinking and self injury issues. I know the basics on what I need to day anyway. I have studied up significantly on all the alternatives. I rationally know doing what I'm doing is not healthy, yet i have to hold one against the other to see how I can gradually get rid of one thing at a time. I've tried nights through this month not drinking. Instead I severely hurt my arm. I have an addiction to hurt myself one way or another, since I hate myself so much. I always want to destroy myself.

 

[xena21]

You need to talk to your T. There within lies the answer

You are exactly right. I did contact my therapist after I had gone a little overboard with my self injury and needed to get my arm checked. The problem was she wanted me to go to the ER. Now I'm caught in a quandry because I am afraid they will look at it in a more severe way.

My therapist is trying to help me through this, and knows I want no part of the hospital. I trust her for the most part. I dont trust many people for anything so we'll see. I have been hurting myself since I was a kid so it's nothing new. Just people look at it differently in different stages.

I would rather hurt myself than drink because I feel more in control that way. Plus drinking brings back bad memories of childhood. I never thought I would drink.

Thanks for all your help and input.

 

[xena21]

in a funny kind of way, harming yourself makes you just like your abusers - you're not respecting your body or your self.
You have hurt ENOUGH already Xena - you do not deserve to hurt anymore

I hear you loud and clear and want so desperately to feel it in my soul. I understand the rational concept exactly as you have put it. I know I don't need to hurt myself anymore. The issue I keep running into is my OCD, and my obsessive thoughts to continue hurting myself because this is what I have done. What my brain tells me is that if I don't continue hurting myself, then something bad will happen...most likely to someone I love, like my Mom. So hurting myself is just a byproduct of that belief.

That is the way OCD works. I have been plagued with OCD since childhood and and it goes hand in hand with trauma.