Sleeping With The Enemy

[In Exile]

It's so stupid because I make her the enemy. I'm married, and unfortunately, my wife accidentally hits many of my triggers. When that happens I react in anger and things get tense for a while.

The latest was on Saturday night. She had something in the morning, so I'd have the kids. She told me that I shouldn't take them to McDonalds, which I only do as a special treat every six weeks or so. (I eat there much more often, but I try to be healthier with them in tow.

That hit a trigger of never being able to please my parents. Of always worrying if I was unwittingly screwing up.

I was really withdrawn the next day, and hit the sack early, making her get the kids ready for bed early.

I just could not shake the feelings of anger and depression.

Finally, on Monday I started feeling better.

How do you get out of it in the moment?

 

[bluebird]

I try to talk about it, if the person, who triggered me, is close to me. Together, we can choose another ways of communication. Perhaps you and your wife can also find a way how to express different oppinions without you being hurt.

I think it's really important to come to the realisation that I am no longer supposed to suffer in silence...

Today, you have a voice; and people, who care for you, are willing to listen.

 

[AqueousAndroid]

I can only comment based on what has seemed to have had an effect on me in the past couple of days...I have to vent. I have to go through all the emotions and make it clear to those around me that I am upset. I understand you have children, my significant other has a child as well and I worry about my problems when I am around her as I don't want to ever scare. I think surrounding myself with those who have taken an interest in my health and welfare has helped.

The first thing that crossed my mind when I began reading your post was toxicity. Reading further and relating back to my own relationship, and I have to stick with my gut a bit. You don't think your wife and you are a toxic pair, do you? I mean I completely understand the triggers she sets off for you are on accident, and perhaps then you are more forgiving for the triggers triggering. But in the end does that not do you more damage in the end?

Not suggesting you split! But perhaps seek counseling if you are not in it already? Hope something here helps and I don't mean to make you upset in any way.

 

[Justmehere]

When I get triggered, I try to remember my feelings are about the past, not the present, and I do things to ground, and use healthy coping skills to tolerate the distress as best I can. This helps me keep myself from acting out as much in relationships now.

When I work on grounding and other coping skills like mindfulness, others actions don't affect/trigger me as much, and when I am affected, it's easier for me to work it out in the moment.

Recovery isn't just about making the anger and depression go away, but enduring the emotions more easily.

Working through the trauma of the past in therapy is the best long term fix.

 

[In Exile]

When I get triggered, I try to remember my feelings are about the past, not the present, and I do things to ground, and use healthy coping skills to tolerate the distress as best I can. This helps me keep myself from acting out as much in relationships now.

When I work on grounding and other coping skills like mindfulness, others actions don't affect/trigger me as much, and when I am affected, it's easier for me to work it out in the moment.

Yes,this is really good to remember. I notice that myself, that I do much better when I'm feeling better overall. I really want to increase my overall well-being. I get into survival mode and just take what's happening right in front of me at the moment. I am trying to find ways to become a little more organized and to do things on a daily basis.

I'll try again.

Recovery isn't just about making the anger and depression go away, but enduring the emotions more easily.

Working through the trauma of the past in therapy is the best long term fix.

Yeah, I've done therapy for many years, but it's always really, really tricky. Living overseas, there aren't English speaking trauma specialists and I haven't found a good generalist which can work with me in the way I need.

I agree with your quote about recovery and making emotions more easy to endure.

 

[shimmerz]

I have drilled into my head that the root cause is never the person I am dealing with. My dental hygienist apologized profusely for triggering me out as I have oral issues and I pass out frequently in the chair. I hate making people feel like they are the cause of the problems that my irresponsible, masochistic, pedophile, sadistic birth parents caused (not to mention the foster families). It is difficult to assign proper blame (not really the word I am looking for but I am tired so please forgive) but until I do, I do find that I react to others rather than those responsible for my initial reactions.

It is difficult for me as well because most times I am out of the trigger (which may take a few days to what seems like forever) before my brain clears and I know that I have reacted to a past thing rather than living right now.

 

[In Exile]

I can't see how to get the multiquote function to work, so I'm replying individually.

I try to talk about it, if the person, who triggered me, is close to me. Together, we can choose another ways of communication. Perhaps you and your wife can also find a way how to express different oppinions without you being hurt.

I think it's really important to come to the realisation that I am no longer supposed to suffer in silence...

Today, you have a voice; and people, who care for you, are willing to listen.

Thank you so much. It really means a lot that you said I have a voice and don't have to suffer in silence. That was the problem as a child, there was nowhere to go. No one to talk to and no comfort. My father was insane (or likely so, he's dead so we don't know for sure, but he had his demons which caused him to lash out) and my mother was a battered wife who could not stand any emotional distress, so I couldn't say anything to her about how scared I was of my father.

My wife sort of reacts similar to my mother. She does that to her mother, so it's not just to me. She gets really worried about what others think, and gets the deer in the headlight look. That triggers me because of my reaction to my mother.

I talked to my wife a little this morning and suggested a different approach. Unfortunately, she didn't have much time because of having to rush off to work, but I'll talk again tonight.

I suggested that she share what is concerned about and then let's figure out a solution. I hope that works better. I also need to find a way to not trigger her.

 

[In Exile]

Reading further and relating back to my own relationship, and I have to stick with my gut a bit. You don't think your wife and you are a toxic pair, do you? I mean I completely understand the triggers she sets off for you are on accident, and perhaps then you are more forgiving for the triggers triggering. But in the end does that not do you more damage in the end?

Not suggesting you split! But perhaps seek counseling if you are not in it already? Hope something here helps and I don't mean to make you upset in any way.

Thank you very much for your concern. As I wrote in my reply above, we do feed off of each other's issues, and we need to work much more on that. Unfortunately, she's Taiwanese and they don't do marriage counseling. We've tried before, but she doesn't open up.

I don't think we are toxic, because we both try to make it better. If we weren't trying, then it would be much worse.

I've just come to the realization that I am responsible for my negativity. So, even though I get triggered, I need to find a way to not react so strongly.

 

[In Exile]

I have drilled into my head that the root cause is never the person I am dealing with.

Yes, after my head gets cleared, then I can understand that. It's important to stay in the present, which is much easier to say than to do. . .

I've been able to do that with my children. I decided that I was not going to do the same thing which happened to me, so I'm able to not react when they act out against their daddy. They are five and three, and daddy is a good substitute when they are mad at the world.

I had started getting triggered with them at one stage and I was able to just flip a switch and say no, I can never go there.

In many ways, have kids has been very therapeutic for me, I am able to see what normal, ordinary children do and how normal my normal reactions as a child were just that, normal, and should not have been the source of the retribution from my father.

I really want to be able to do something similar with my wife, to be able to be understanding that it's not intentional.

 

[shimmerz]

@In Exile it sounds like you are really doing a good job at seeing your role in all of this. That will be a huge asset in getting back to health. I wish you well my friend. I hope you realize that many people live in denial for so long as to their own issues and project onto others. It sounds like you will do just fine.

 

[In Exile]

It's tough. One thing which really keeps me going is how normal my kids seem to be. They have very normal temper tantrums. I actually do better with them than my wife, because I can relate to them! My son will be crying because he didn't get the yellow spoon, and I understand exactly how he feels!

Just seeing how they go through normal emotions: happiness, ecstatic, sad, anger, fear, etc., and how the emotions come and go, as well as providing feedback to them, you can see how it really helps them learn about themselves.

I try very hard to not go overboard on either being too permissive or authoritarian. My father was abusive and I won't go there. But the opposite doesn't help anyone.

When the children get hurt, they want to come to Daddy, even if Mommy is right there. Daddy is not only a good shoulder to cry on, but knows the right things to say to make the hurt go away. It comes from having mountains himself.

I'll talk to wife again tonight, with some suggestions. She's got a biopsy scheduled this week, which is the reason she was abrupt with me on Saturday. I wasn't thinking about that when I started the OP.[DOUBLEPOST=1401181425,1401181237][/DOUBLEPOST]

I hope you realize that many people live in denial for so long as to their own issues and project onto others. It sounds like you will do just fine.

Yeah, my mother is still in denial about her role in this mess. My father died with no second thoughts. My brothers and sisters all have lots of issues as can be expected. I'm only in contact with one of them.

Anyway, off to pick up the kids from daycare.

Thanks again.

 

[shimmerz]

@In Exile . My children grounded me very much as well. My husband, not so much. It is a different parenting style when one has been damaged as a child - it was almost like I could feel my children and my spouse did not understand my technique (he was very harsh). At this time in my life I knew absolutely nothing of my history or that I had been traumatized.

Even this weekend I was at a baseball double header game and there were parents there that brought what looked to be their eight year old son who tried everything he could to get their attention. For the whole day that child was trying to entertain himself, with the parents only noticing him when they were upset with what he was doing. Anyways, long story short he got himself into the chalk and was covered with it. I noticed. I cleaned him up. I calmed him because his parents had yelled at him for doing so. I told him how incredibly good he was and what a long day it must have been for him. He cried out MOM so loud most of the time he was there. She completely ignored him and the stepfather just gave him crap. After I interacted with him he stuck to me like glue the rest of the night. He was very tiring because nobody had paid attention to him all day long. He stopped screaming Mom.....I don't understand how people don't see it. How they can't feel it.

My SO said 'holy how could you STAND that kid - he was such a pest'. I set my SO straight as to my way of thinking about it. He was such a sweet little boy and I couldn't help but thinking how this would affect him as he grew older. It breaks my heart.

I can very much relate to how your describe your interacton with your children. It sounds like you feel them in a way that others don't. Their feelings it seems, are tangible to you. And bless you for giving your children what you never had.