Sleeping With The Enemy

[In Exile]

@shimmerz, that was really cool of you. Yes, I don't see how parents can ignore kids. Fortunately, my wife is pretty good. We have our differences, but she's not a bad parent.

I talked to my wife tonight. I liked taking the kids to McDonalds for a couple of reasons. One is that since we live in Taiwan, I want to take them for American food sometimes. Another is that because I don't speak the language yet, it's much easier. Also, I like doing things with them that they really enjoy.

We came to a better agreement on how to handle things. This is so much better when we can work together.

 

[shimmerz]

Oh I am so sorry @In Exile, I wasn't try to suggest that your wife was a bad parent. I can just relate to how you can 'feel' children and it caused me some grief along the way but I felt it was so good for my children when they were young.

I am so happy that you were able to articulate so clearly and that your wife was good at listening to you. It sounds like you are on firm ground! Nice job on this one and good wishes to your wife and her challenges right now. :hug:

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I can't see how to get the multiquote function to work, so I'm replying individually.

There are many ways to quote.

Highlight want you want to quote with your mouse and a button saying "quote me!" will pop up, clicking it and the highlighted text will appear in the reply window.

Then there is the reply button to one post, just take out what you don't want. Don't quote the whole post.

Muilt-quote is the same. You highlight but then click '+quote'. These quotes curry over to other threads. When you want to use them click 'insert quotes' that shows up in the reply window at the bottom of the page.

Hope that helps.

 

[Alfred.Greene]

Well, you need to find a happy place in your mind. Think about times away from there, about the times away from it all when you feel totally at peace. Remind yourself of your age, how much bigger you are now, that no one is going to hurt you. Make a check list of how your wife is similar and different from your mother. Tell yourself she isn't your mother and she doesn't mean you harm. Reinforce that she isn't a threat. Have her tell you that sometimes, tell you she isn't a problem, but a solution.

 

[In Exile]

Oh I am so sorry @In Exile, I wasn't try to suggest that your wife was a bad parent. I can just relate to how you can 'feel' children and it caused me some grief along the way but I felt it was so good for my children when they were young.

I am so happy that you were able to articulate so clearly and that your wife was good at listening to you. It sounds like you are on firm ground! Nice job on this one and good wishes to your wife and her challenges right now. :hug:

Thanks. I didn't think that.

Something interesting happened last night. I decided that McDonald's wasn't that big of a deal. It's not the hill to die on. I have plenty of irrational things myself. ;-) So, I suggested we go to a local restaurant with the kids and have her show me how to order. She's normally done this. This makes it easier so I don't feel that McDonalds is the only choice. We also talked about other Western restaurants which are easy to order at.

I want to be able to provide something for the kids which makes them really happy, so we talked about some alternatives.

We gave the kids a bath in the large bathtub and they were super excited about it. My wife and I were having a really good time.

When I went to bed, she woke up and although she was sleepy, she talked. I suggested that we work on our problems together. She agreed but sounded only lukewarm about it. That used to freak me out, but I'm starting to realize that this is her style. However, we a mentioned how much better I was feeling about the kids. I used to be really, really terrified that somehow I would cause them to have the same issues which my family has. I used to break down when I would think about it,cry, get really, really depressed.

So anyway, when I said that I was so happy that the kids were able to do things like just be free to enjoy the big bathtub, without having to constantly scan their parents face, my wife said our son has some issues. He’s 3, and is scared of ghosts at times. It’s not actually that bad and only comes up now and then. We went through a period where he was a little more afraid, but it seems to be going away slowly. It’s entirely age appropriate, though.


I started to get down, because my wife doesn’t get me. She doesn’t provide the same encouragement that I do for her. It doesn’t occur to her to agree with me that the kids are normal, and that it’s great that I have been able to get past the terror of thinking that I’m screwing them up somehow.


I was able to stop that, though. Which I take as progress. I suspect that this may be really difficult and that she may just never have that some sort of awareness. I donno. But, the important thing for me, right now, is for that to not contribute to the depression and anxiety. So, I was able to let that go.


This morning, she and the kids had woken up first. When I came down, she was in the middle of a project and showed me what she was doing. I think this is a difference in personality, but my first reaction to is be positive and encouraging, even if I really don’t care about what she’s doing.


Looking back, we usually get excited about her projects and less so with mine. I’ve commented to friends about it before, so it’s not entirely new, but it’s something I need to remember.

She offered to take the kids to kindergarten/daycare this morning, if they could be ready by 7:30. That was great, because it gave me more time. However, she’s not terribly organized (nor am I) and she regularly runs late. I get really nervous when things are late. Anyway, she was about 15 minutes late getting ready. I had been all prepared to get the kids into the car smoothly. She then decided she would do DD’s hair. I shot her a look of exasperation, and she said that triggers her.


This is something for me to work on.

Well, you need to find a happy place in your mind. Think about times away from there, about the times away from it all when you feel totally at peace. Remind yourself of your age, how much bigger you are now, that no one is going to hurt you. Make a check list of how your wife is similar and different from your mother. Tell yourself she isn't your mother and she doesn't mean you harm. Reinforce that she isn't a threat. Have her tell you that sometimes, tell you she isn't a problem, but a solution.

 

[Alfred.Greene]

@In Exile Coping like a boss there pal, you may have some bads days where you don't do so hot. Your wife may freak out, the kids might have problems. But we here for you, and remember to put these observations, and great/good moments in reserve for those inevitable times.

Also, I am not parent, but it is a dream, I would say do your best. It is the best anyone can ask for.

 

[In Exile]

@Alfred.Greene Thank you. It's not easy, as you know. I think I'm making progress. It feels good to be able to figure something out.

Yes, and it's good to remember these times for when things don't go so well. I liked your earlier advice about writing the things she is similar and dissimilar with my mother. That can help be get untriggered faster.

 

[TryinToHeal]

Could this really be about you. It getting your needs met as a child? Being withheld from and controlled - and now you see your wife doing this to your children?

Have a backbone and stand up to her. Kids NEED to be allowed to be kids. McDonald's every six weeks is not going to kill them but being told they're not worth that can.