Poll Who Traumatized You

[vallie000]

Many, many abusers used and traumatized me.

1. Many pedophiles. My parents exploited me as a toddler/preschool prostitute. In dreams, I've remembered the faces of at least 20 pedophiles; I know there were more.

2. The porn producers. I've remembered the faces of some of those who filmed my abuse, in costumes with stage sets.

3. The cult that made money off of me. I witnessed several gruesome murders and the dismemberment of the victims bodies including babies. I've remembered ceremonies of being defiled by blood and excrement -- more trauma. And of course, their rapes of me.

4. The pedophile I was sold to, who raped me daily and threatened to kill me often. I was rescued by a very courageous woman, but returned to my parents.

5. The several pedophiles who almost killed me; a concussion from one, many body traumas from others.

6. My father, who was my first rapist.

7. My mother, who tried to kill me at least 6 times that I've remembered.


Q: Why so much abuse against one child? A: I was blond, pretty, and whip smart. What's not to desire or hate?

Q: How in the world could any human survive such treatment? A: God, memory repression, and multiple personalities. I had no memories of this until I had a breakdown at 50 years old. Prior to this I had a very successful business career, raised two sons, and had lots of fun. No lasting relationships, though, either with men or women.

 

[James B.]

vallie000 - my deepest most heartfelt condolances on your experience growing up. And my most sincere admiration at your recovery work here. Wow, what an incredible and heartbreaking truama history.

All my respect,
James B.

 

[Cynthiatoo]

- My mother who I thought was a role model to follow. I now know she has an undiagnosed mental illness.
- My brother who I believe was molested as a child
- His friends who sexually targeted me
- My first husband who punched me and tried to strangle me
- My whole family who wouldnt listen to me
- My sons 20 year illness
- His death
- My daughter who wants a normal mother

 

[Elphaba]

Terrorist attack was the biggest trauma for me.
I wasn't quite sure what category that would make, though

 

[Meli]

I was 17 when my abusive father threw me out of the house after choking me on the kitchen floor. A not so reliable friend told me about a man who would let me stay at his house for a while. He turned out to be a pimp, as well as an arms and drug dealer; one of the most devious in Akron. 22 years after the fact, while participating in exposure therapy at the hospital where I lost a baby due to this event, a police officer I spoke with recognized my abuser's name. I was stunned!

The man acted as if he were a jungle king. He pounded his chest like a guerilla, and screamed orders. He threatened all of us (myself, two other women in the house, and a multitude of illegal business clients) with torture, violence, and death. He beat his prostitutes within an inch of their lives, and was planning to put me on the street corner as well, but the circumstance of my early pregnancy awarded me exclusion from that. His offspring, 32 children that he claimed to have sired, were his real obsession.

Street thugs, addicts, and generally demented people filed in and out of the front door at all times. I was made to sleep on the couch in the front room with a gun under my pillow. I was absolutely protected from outsiders, but the real danger was right there in that house.

My alternative was life on the street in a criminally tough city in the dead of winter. I felt as if I had no choice, and if I walked a straight line in this house, I was at least protected from the depths of random crime and deprivation while wandering the city alone.

By force of intimidation and threats of violence, I was manipulated to paricipate in a regular routine of unwanted and painful sex. Four months into pregnancy, I lost the child and a horrendous amount of blood. I was dropped off at the doors of the emergency room by myself after pissing him off with hours of moaning and screaming in pain. The doctor who performed the procedure of removing my deceased fetus left it in a jar for me to stare at, and walked out of the linen closet they had stowed me in. Three years ago I named her Connie - from the Irish word Coinine = "I would have lived". Connie and I spent about an hour, utterly alone, in that tiny room.

I then hid in another city for almost a year. Although I had already been showing signs of Depression, paranoia, and avoidance throughout my childhood; the real symptoms of PTSD were evident immediately after leaving Akron. I just didn't know what they were until now.

~Meli

 

[Meli]

Many, many abusers used and traumatized me.

1. Many pedophiles. My parents exploited me as a toddler/preschool prostitute. In dreams, I've remembered the faces of at least 20 pedophiles; I know there were more.

2. The porn producers. I've remembered the faces of some of those who filmed my abuse, in costumes with stage sets.

3. The cult that made money off of me. I witnessed several gruesome murders and the dismemberment of the victims bodies including babies. I've remembered ceremonies of being defiled by blood and excrement -- more trauma. And of course, their rapes of me.

4. The pedophile I was sold to, who raped me daily and threatened to kill me often. I was rescued by a very courageous woman, but returned to my parents.

5. The several pedophiles who almost killed me; a concussion from one, many body traumas from others.

6. My father, who was my first rapist.

7. My mother, who tried to kill me at least 6 times that I've remembered.


Q: Why so much abuse against one child? A: I was blond, pretty, and whip smart. What's not to desire or hate?

Q: How in the world could any human survive such treatment? A: God, memory repression, and multiple personalities. I had no memories of this until I had a breakdown at 50 years old. Prior to this I had a very successful business career, raised two sons, and had lots of fun. No lasting relationships, though, either with men or women.

Hi Vallie000,

You're my hero!!! You are so brave, and so in control of your experiences. No where in your post did you express hatred for others, pessimism, negativity, or self hatred. For someone who has been so blatently preyed upon, your attitude is amazingly inspiring. I'm proud of you!!

I don't want to sound vain, and I know the members here are not judgemental, but I always worry. I too have always felt targeted because of beauty. I wanted to scar my face for a long time. I thought if I wasn't pretty, these things wouldn't be happening to me. My main abuser was completely smitten with me; always talking about me to his clients and grinning. Just that act created other dangers for me. There was competition in the house, and these ladies were brutally violent. His appreciation of my face made the other girls a serious threat. They hated me terribly; all but one. I don't know why, but I was placed under her protective wing, and she was top dog. Goes to show that's there's humanity even in the darkest of places.

Repression can be life saving. I immediately repressed most of what I saw there, and I still can't recall major events or put things in order. I don't think I would have survived if I carried that much fear and memory into the next stages of my life. I managed to retain some trust and a lot of hope because I simply pushed that experience out of my life for two decades. Of course, I waited too long to address it. Many of my negative traits are so engrained in my personality that I'm having a terrible time changing them. But we'll get there eventually.

You're a beautiful person, inside and out. The lack of lasting relationships comes with the PTSD territory. I'm the same way; 40 and unmarried with no friends to speak of. I think you'll find lots to learn here, and those relationships will be popping up soon enough when you're ready.

Good luck, and well wishes,
~Meli

 

[Rainbow Socks]

My father abused me & he clearly had major mental health issues, but he always blamed them on everyone else ("it's your fault I'm acting this way"). He attempted suicide at least once that I know of, but it would've damaged his precious ego to go & get a diagnosis so he never sought help. If I were to take a guess, I'd wager that he has Borderline Personality Disorder; frequent mood swings, black & white thinking, incredibly manipulative, physically abusive, swinging from loving a person to hating them within a matter of minutes...

 

[dragonflymom]

My ex husband abused me for seven years. He seemed normal on the surface, like a harmless nice guy. Looking back though he showed many of the characteristics of narcissism. Most of his abuse was in order to get me to stop trying to get him to quit having cybersex, and stop trying to find out about the affair and phone sex that he had, or to force me to watch our daughter 24/7 so I never got any breaks and he got to live like a single childless guy playing video games all the time. So he'd hit me or trap me if I tried to leave the house alone expecting me to watch his own kid, or drag me out of the room by my hair if I caught him having cybersex and said something about it.

 

[Grace11]

Ex-husband (emotional abuse/verbal attacks/threatened physical harm over a 2.5 year period)

Bosses (a year of various verbal attacks and threats following a sexually inappropriate incident with one of them)

So-called friends who turned on me when I needed them most, vocally supporting my ex-husband despite his abuse.

Finally culminating in a terrible car accident, tragedy and never ending legal issues. Because I was the driver and was not impaired, yet have almost no memory of it due to head trauma, I find myself blaming my abusers for my accident, which isn't right because they weren't even there. I have not expressed these feelings to them and never will. But, when I am feeling particularly bad, I will revert to thinking that X or Y ruined my life. I catch myself doing this and getting riled up with anger and have to talk myself down.

 

[Turtle]

Who/What in order:

1) the father of my older brothers age 5-15
2) car accident, watched my aunt be decapitated, 5
3) finding a friend who commited suicide hanging in his room, we were both 10.
4) ex-bf pulled same stuff as first abuser, 13-16
5) rape freshman year of college 18
6) another car accident, came up on a car that was hit by a semi. Watched a 10year old girl die while trying to help her. 19
7) repeatedly raped/tortured for 8 months by a group of guys I was deathly afraid of and couldn't easily escape from. 19
8) a few from the same group of guys kidnapped me from a friends place and raped me. My coach found where I was and basically saved me. 20

There are other random crappy things that have happened along the way, but these are the ones that seemed to have the most triggers for me, so they get put in the list and the other stuff can stay locked in my head for awhile longer.

 

[Iron_Angel]

I should have had the multiple choice option as well.

• My mother choked me when I was about 10, and nothing I did was ever good enough for her. The last words she said to me were curse words.
• Raped by 3 strangers in a roadhouse parking lot where I had gone to pick up my drunken husband. He told me the wrong bar, so I was in the wrong place at 3 a.m. in a very bad part of town.
• Tour of duty in the Middle East.
• Raped by my husband at a rally, and raped by 2 more when he passed out. Since I was already there...
• Held hostage when I worked in a prison.
• Terrified that the unknown man my drunken husband brought home would come upstairs and assault or kill me or my children. We slept in our clothes that night in case we had to run. Well, they slept, I didn't.
• Financially destroyed by my business partner.
• Betrayed by so-called friends.

Is it any wonder I like animals more than people?

 

[Deleted member 8714]

• My father was my main perp from age 3 months through age 14, always sodomy. He was a sadomasochist, mostly a masochist, and more than likely a sociopath and possibly a pedophile. One time he used piano wire and wrapped it around my neck to terrorize me.
• His boyfriend was my handler through mind control/programming, and repeated rapes, always sodomy. He was a sadomasochist, mostly a sadist.
• My mother, step-dad, and oldest brother bullied me from age 5 through age 33. I had to stop associating with them to stop the abuse. From age 33 until 57 I've only seen my family three times. Mother was a Narcissist (NPD) and had Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) not to be confused with OCD. My step-dad has OCPD. My oldest brother has NPD.
• My step-dad perpetuated the gender confusion which had begun with my father and his boyfriend. Started age 5 and continued thorough my childhood.
• My oldest brother fondled me.