What To Do When I Can't Escape From A Dissociatiative Fugue?

[Tei-Saji]

Let me start by saying that I'm in this fugue almost every hour of every day. These fugues fill my head with so many voices and memories that it's hard to keep touch with reality. I feel like I've lost touch with the here and now. And on a daily basis, these fugues fill my head with more and more of my past until I'm ready to scream (or talk about it, which I think it's futile because there is literally not enough time in my lifetime to talk about these memories as I remember new stuff about my life every day). And I do scream, then the memories calm down for the time being, until the next day. Then the next after that. I have to live with this cycle every day.

I haven't yet talked to my therapist about my frequent flashbacks, but she once said, "You'll have to let go of what happened at one point, ___." I try to associate letting go of the past with the cycle. But sometimes, I can't tell the difference between being angry at the people from my past, and my dissociations.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Without more context, I find what your therapist said to be a little bit simplistic in that we all WANT to let go, but PTSD is about not being able to just let go.

I wish I could give you advice on how to handle the dissociation. I don't know what to do when it gets to the point where grounding doesn't work. Well, at least that's what happens in my bad dissociative states. People just tell me to work on grounding, but you really can get to a point where all the skills in the world don't do anything to release your mind. And really, all I can do is wait it out and hope that it isn't a long episode.

 

[shimmerz]

@Tei-Saji I don't know if it helps at all but I was being pounded by literally thousands of flashbacks a day at the beginning. I was conscious the whole time and thought I was going to go mad. It was so overwhelming. The pieces started to come together and memories started to make more sense and I learned tools from alternative healers and trauma doctors and hypnotherapists - you name it I used it - and flashbacks have generally gone now. I feel for you but am sure that they will ease. Are you seeing a good trauma doctor to help you through? Do you have supporters to help you through?

Love and Light
Shimmerz

 

[Tei-Saji]

@shimmerz

I have a mother, brother, and sister on whom to rely for emotional support. And I don't have a trauma doctor per se, but I do have a therapist with which I discuss my week and my ability to control my flashbacks during that week. But we don't actually talk about everything that happened to me then...

 

[shimmerz]

That is a good start @Tei-Saji . All good resources. The day to day (or week to week) things I find to be very helpful and it is very good that you have family support. I think it would be a good idea to talk to your therapist about your flashbacks. They may not be a trauma type doctor so be wary if, as @Solara says, they are too simplistic in their answers back or are if you feel brushed off. If that be the case - if their answer doesn't sit quite right to you then can you seek out someone with a specialty in trauma? I do both. A trauma specialist and a doctor who helps me manage behaviour day by day. They are a terrific compliment to one another.

 

[shimmerz]

I try to associate letting go of the past with the cycle. But sometimes, I can't tell the difference between being angry at the people from my past, and my dissociations.

This has been bothering me every since I noticed it this morning. I am sorry I didn't pick it up sooner. For myself, I found that time is a tricky thing with dissociation. Most I know lose a sense of time. If you think about it - time is a construct made up by society so we can get to work, etc etc. Takes kids a long time to learn 'time'. Our subconscious and unconscious has no sense of it what-so-ever. So in those moments when you cannot tell the difference between past and present - well it comes honestly imho. So again, I will go back to what @Solara said - your t's answer is very simplistic imo because when dissociating there is no sense of time as the part of the brain that has been activated doesn't understand time. If they don't know this then I am going to guess that they are not well versed in trauma.

I used a watch to check in before dissociation and afterwards to see if I was 'back'. If I couldn't bring myself to look at it or I didn't understand the time if I looked at it - I knew I was out. At that time I would take a 'Warheads' candy or my support people would give me one and many times I would come out of it as the idea is to shock the senses to bring you back into your body.

Not sure if that helps you or not, or maybe you have your own ways of handling things but this really helped me.

 

[KatM]

Let me start by saying that I'm in this fugue almost every hour of every day. These fugues fill my head with so many voices and memories that it's hard to keep touch with reality...

I totally understand the place you're in. I've been in the process of healing from complex PTSD for many years, and I have a couple of ideas that might help.

First, it's really good that you realize you're in that state -- it means that a part of you is aware and already outside of the state, otherwise you wouldn't even notice. Think of that part of you that's _noticing_ what's going on as your witness, and keep paying more attention to viewing the state from "outside of it" like you already are.

I've found that it helps a lot to "get out of my head" -- and that means paying close attention to something outside of you while ignoring the fugue thoughts and confusion. Try looking at a flower or an interesting painting, really closely. Really focus on it. Notice the colors, the lines, how the lines intersect and what shapes they form. Notice the space around the flower or painting -- what shape is it, or what does it remind you of? This sounds silly, but if you start paying closer attention to something interesting, and keep your focus on it, it can help you get out of the state.

Also, something that I wrote about in "The Box of Daughter," which is my memoir about recovering from PTSD, is a great thing to try, and that is focusing on the emotion you're feeling and finding a way to express it. Fugue states sometimes happen because we're repressing a feeling, like sadness or anger -- somewhere along the way we got trained to repress feelings and go numb instead. This has been the primary tactic in my recovery, because I repressed feelings for 30 years and was really numb. I wrote in the book about punching pillows and tearing up newspaper, which are good ways to let go of anger, and also included other ways to let the feelings go. Expressing feelings brings a tremendous feeling of clarity and freedom.

Hope this is helpful! Wishing you comfort and peace.
Katherine