Walked Out Of Therapy For The 1st Time

[GWhizz]

Yesterday I had a really intense session. I finally wrote down some of the major trauma for my T. I normally see her today in a different room but today I'm working so I saw her yesterday in a different smaller room. I couldn't adjust to the new room. I guess I've gotten comfortable in the other one. I just felt lost and suffocated and couldn't connect with anything.

She tried to talk me out of leaving but I couldn't and eventually just ran out of there. I have to go to that room again next week. It feels really stupid getting triggered by something like this. I'm also struggling really bad with self blame and guilt and all day yesterday after I left therapy, I wanted to self harm. I don't know how I'm going to continue this.

My T said this is only the start of it, this is so scary. She rang and text until I was calm enough to go to bed last night. But now I really feel like an idiot, and that I'm annoying her. I just don't know how to continue

 

[mrsps]

Don't feel like an idiot! Its great that she rang and text to make sure you were ok, she did that because she cares. I understand how hard change can be, you need to express this to your T so she can make you feel comfortable in the different room. She is there with you and will help you through the feelings you have. You will be ok to go to that same room next week just tell yourself you are strong and with the support of your T you can do it! *gentle hugs*

 

[shimmerz]

I went to WCH in Toronto (trauma treatment program). I remember her preparing me to switch rooms. I thought to myself 'what do you think I am the village idiot, it is just a room'. LOL. Man did she know what she was doing. We had to adjust the lights, I had to sit in the right place, the door had to be in full view, I had to sit with my back to a corner so we needed to move the desk, I had to have my crayons on the left side of me and she had to sit so that I could bolt out the door if I needed to.

I had NO IDEA. Thank god she did. My guess is that she knew she dropped the ball - an honest mistake and that you aren't an idiot at all but she was trying to let you know she was taking responsibility. Your reaction was pure trauma-esq. There was nothing annoying about it - it was real and authentic.

 

[Friday]

Ditto shimmerz. Seriously.

Place makes a huge difference.

Hey, here's a laugh for you:
You know where MY brain takes in everything? In moving trucks and rubble. Nearly every completely centering, sinks from head to heart, oh! I totally get that now! Whoa. Has happened in the back of a moving truck while I'm jammed hip to knee against other people, or sitting around in a pile of rubble and brick. The pieces of my history that are solid? Most happened in one of those two climes. Lame, right?

Next runner up is sitting on a surf board in a wicked long lineup. At least that one LOOKS inviting.

Last of the "best" spots is kipped up on a porch somewhere. Rarely had an "instant" there, and a whole lotta arguments. But generally, I take it in, and a week or two later... It settles. Just not very securely.

Yeah. None of these things is something one can just look up in the yellowpages.

Offices are hard for me. But I've done them. Some better than others. Some are great, if not ideal. Others snap my jaw shut and it's just not going to happen.

::blushing:: I actually went to Defcon3 and turned into a babbling idiot earlier TODAY, just because of the smell of a new office brought back some really bad memories. I wasn't there. I was in another place entirely. Gutted. And I wanted to kill. Or die. Or both. Okay. THAT place is struck from the list!

Eventually you get to a place where it's sunk in and you can talk & think about it anywhere, anytime without shutting down. Baby steps.

 

[shimmerz]

just because of the smell of a new office brought back some really bad memories. I wasn't there. I was in another place entirely.

Olfactory memories. Best ever! Walk into a room and before you know it Shimmerz is on the floor in a dead out faint. Friend poured me into the back of his truck and drove me home (an hour drive) while I went into full out trauma mode. Yep, his friend's Xmas party in 2010. So embarrassing. Now, it is so far beyond embarrassing that when people look at me when I react I go 'what????' It is just a fact of my and unfortunately way too many other's lives. No time to be embarrassed. It doesn't help anyways.

 

[desiderata310]

Sounds like me! My therapist redid his office and the first session was almost torture till he figured it out. He had blocked my access to the door. HUGE trigger for me.
I have to sit away from the window so I can keep an eye on it but have full and unfettered access to the door. (He sits to my left)

He told me that therapists are advised to sit close to the door in case a client become violent. In my case, he has to make an exception. Thanks PTSD!

 

[digger]

I really struggled at first with having to change locations for my therapy - same therapist, different room. There were so many things about the old room that I used without even really thinking about it to ground and calm myself. All these little things contribute to the safety of the space for me. For the first few sessions at the new space, it was literally all I could do to keep myself in the room and adjust to it and find new focuses in it. We didn't even attempt to do anything else in those sessions except learn to be safe in the new space. My T even ended up moving furniture around for me because I couldn't cope with some things being in the positions they were in!

I had to cut the first couple of sessions short. You will be able to go back and the second time the room will not feel so unfamiliar and unsafe. You will build up new connections with the new space. Hang in there x

 

[shimmerz]

I was just thinking about this and I think @digger has a really good point. I also 'migrated' a few things from the old room - a pillow and a teddy bear. Not sure if that would help you @GWhizz . Just leave the shame out of the room if you can :notworthy: It is sometimes harder when I bring old emotion somewhere.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Hey GWhizz! :hug:

Congrats! You did go to therapy, read your T's texts afterwards and slept too. ;) Why, you are sharing now and talking about your fears:what a brave woman.

Digger's comments are spot on, so drag something familiar with you. Own the room! Solid practice to believing in you have the right to be there. See everyone can relate.

I use to bring a scented handkerchief with my favorite perfume or oil and place it in a plastic zip bag. Then upon the unnerving moments within the T-session, I would place it on my lap, stuff my nose in the bag and practice breathing. Albeit it, once I did over inhale too deeply and started coughing, sneezing, wheezing and tearing up.:wtf: However, as I was focused on gasping for air, I didn't leave the session that day. After that wonderful moment, I decided on a squishy, brightly colored stress ball that fit just right in my hand. :tup:

Hope I helped you smile!

 

[Laura 2]

@GWhizz
Well done you for managing to write things down. That's traumatising in itself. When I have to do it I just go even number.

You're not stupid or an idiot or anything near. I'm surprised that your T didn't prepare you.

Shame and guilt are part of the territory when we've had our boundaries shattered - they're not justified, and they're just symptoms, nothing more (at least that's the mantra I have to keep repeating to myself daily!)

 

[GWhizz]

I won't always be in that room. It will vary depending on which day or time I go as certain rooms are avail at different times. I had gone to this room once before but had my baby with me, so we actually spent more time playing with him lol. I tried to draw then but couldn't - it was far too hard to go into that stuff with a baby present and I never really considered the room change that time, just thought it was too small and was glad I usually see her in the bigger one.

I did tell her in the session that I was uncomfortable in the room and we discussed it a little more in text/call last night. But she has basically said I need to talk through what I'm feeling/thinking when I'm triggered in there, how it affects me etc. But I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to go back to another session in that room. I really feel it'll be a waste of time etc. I really don't know whether I should go any deeper into my trauma history either. I've only shared a little the past 2weeks and after both sessions I've wanted to self harm and it's a compulsion I feel unable to stop

 

[shimmerz]

@GWhizz is your T able to continue to talk to you on the phone? Or can you write her a letter or email? I think that it is important that she knows that this is affecting you in a way that is dangerous. It sounds to me like there needs to be a bit of a slowing down happening here but it worries me that you are talking an 'all or nothing' thing here.