NovemberStar
Platinum Member
It's the 29th anniversary if my mother's sudden death in a few days time. I was 10 years old, and walked into the room as she was having a severe, fatal heart attack. I had been in and out of her room a lot that evening because she wasn't feeling well (apparently I helped her to the toilet earlier in the day - I don't remember that), and because there was a really exciting telethon event on tv starting at 8pm.
The last words she said to me - to any human being on earth were about 5-10 minutes before she died. I had bounded into her bedroom very excited about the tv program starting soon, and she said "go AWAY - I JUST want to be left ALONE!"..
Normally when she told me off or what to do, I did it (because I was afraid of her). Yet, 5-10 minutes later, there I was bounding back init her room to tell her that really exciting tv program 'was starting right that moment!' As clear as if it's happening right now I can see her lying on the bed, her arms held up in front of her; her face bright red, teeth clenched, unable to talk, move or speak, her face twisted in pain, and - because of the sweat on her face and the very cold winter room, there literally was steam coming up off her :(.
I asked 'Mum - are you ok?!' When she couldn't respond I told her 'I'll go get Dad!' Those were the last words she was to hear before she died. I stayed out of her room while Dad rushed in to see her. I don't know and won't ever know what HE saw, but he phoned an ambulance. It took a long time to come. In the meantime my aunt and uncle were phoned to come (they lived a few blocks away). I went back into my mother's bedroom with my aunt and sister. My mother was lying there dead - not that I knew that yet of course. Must have been denial because my 6 year old sister was holding mum's hand and crying, while my aunt sat on the bed across from her crying also. I was just all excited an ambulance was coming to our house! Of course they would fix her so I really wasn't worried.
Anyway, that's all I can type right now. Of course there's a lot more.
As much as her abuse towards me shaped my life and caused me all this pain (and PTSD), it's NOTHING in comparison to her sudden, violent death. I have not really 'felt' a lot of trauma feelings associated with her death; but on the same token of course it did traumatise me. I remember having nightmares in the weeks after she died. I never had any help or support. I don't even think anyone knew what I'd seen when I went into her room - not that that would have changed a thing - hell, I didn't even receive ANY comfort, support, or even a f*cking hug from anyone after she died, as it was assumed my sister and I were simply 'too young ' to be affected in any real way :mad:.
I was back at school within a week. Life carried on. My father always was incredibly emotionally shut off, that didn't change. I had no one. Kids at school were AFRAID of me - it was like my mother dying might somehow be something they 'caught' and their mum might be next. I was teased - told I'd end up in the ground with maggots crawling out of me like my mother had. Great huh.
Typing all this, I feel I'm in and out of myself. On one hand it feels like I'm outside myself and describing something I imagined and didn't personally experience; on the other, I'm getting small flashes of 'shit, did this really ACTUALLY, happen? To ME?'
Last year her anniversary triggered the most severe ongoing flashbacks I've ever had in all my heads with PTSD. In the past I might have flashbacks for a few days or weeks, and then none for weeks or months (or even years and years). But since last year, there hasn't been a week without any. And I'm really afraid I might start having flashbacks specifically relating to her death - when the only flashbacks I've had so far ever, are to do with the abuse.
Yet every year I do relive that day and the days around it. I feel the pain of her sudden loss. The abandonment, the fear. The anger at her for dying - if only she had tried harder to stop drinking and a using codeine, her heart wouldn't have failed.
The past few days I'm more in touch with the fear of dying - my own death - of how I woke up today and assume I'll be here this time tomorrow but I could be dead in an hour's time. Few people know when it's their last day on earth :( sometimes I've felt so afraid of the unknown - of not knowing 'when' and 'how'; of being suddenly GONE, that I've had suicidal feelings and thoughts about it. Guess it's a matter of 'control'.
The last words she said to me - to any human being on earth were about 5-10 minutes before she died. I had bounded into her bedroom very excited about the tv program starting soon, and she said "go AWAY - I JUST want to be left ALONE!"..
Normally when she told me off or what to do, I did it (because I was afraid of her). Yet, 5-10 minutes later, there I was bounding back init her room to tell her that really exciting tv program 'was starting right that moment!' As clear as if it's happening right now I can see her lying on the bed, her arms held up in front of her; her face bright red, teeth clenched, unable to talk, move or speak, her face twisted in pain, and - because of the sweat on her face and the very cold winter room, there literally was steam coming up off her :(.
I asked 'Mum - are you ok?!' When she couldn't respond I told her 'I'll go get Dad!' Those were the last words she was to hear before she died. I stayed out of her room while Dad rushed in to see her. I don't know and won't ever know what HE saw, but he phoned an ambulance. It took a long time to come. In the meantime my aunt and uncle were phoned to come (they lived a few blocks away). I went back into my mother's bedroom with my aunt and sister. My mother was lying there dead - not that I knew that yet of course. Must have been denial because my 6 year old sister was holding mum's hand and crying, while my aunt sat on the bed across from her crying also. I was just all excited an ambulance was coming to our house! Of course they would fix her so I really wasn't worried.
Anyway, that's all I can type right now. Of course there's a lot more.
As much as her abuse towards me shaped my life and caused me all this pain (and PTSD), it's NOTHING in comparison to her sudden, violent death. I have not really 'felt' a lot of trauma feelings associated with her death; but on the same token of course it did traumatise me. I remember having nightmares in the weeks after she died. I never had any help or support. I don't even think anyone knew what I'd seen when I went into her room - not that that would have changed a thing - hell, I didn't even receive ANY comfort, support, or even a f*cking hug from anyone after she died, as it was assumed my sister and I were simply 'too young ' to be affected in any real way :mad:.
I was back at school within a week. Life carried on. My father always was incredibly emotionally shut off, that didn't change. I had no one. Kids at school were AFRAID of me - it was like my mother dying might somehow be something they 'caught' and their mum might be next. I was teased - told I'd end up in the ground with maggots crawling out of me like my mother had. Great huh.
Typing all this, I feel I'm in and out of myself. On one hand it feels like I'm outside myself and describing something I imagined and didn't personally experience; on the other, I'm getting small flashes of 'shit, did this really ACTUALLY, happen? To ME?'
Last year her anniversary triggered the most severe ongoing flashbacks I've ever had in all my heads with PTSD. In the past I might have flashbacks for a few days or weeks, and then none for weeks or months (or even years and years). But since last year, there hasn't been a week without any. And I'm really afraid I might start having flashbacks specifically relating to her death - when the only flashbacks I've had so far ever, are to do with the abuse.
Yet every year I do relive that day and the days around it. I feel the pain of her sudden loss. The abandonment, the fear. The anger at her for dying - if only she had tried harder to stop drinking and a using codeine, her heart wouldn't have failed.
The past few days I'm more in touch with the fear of dying - my own death - of how I woke up today and assume I'll be here this time tomorrow but I could be dead in an hour's time. Few people know when it's their last day on earth :( sometimes I've felt so afraid of the unknown - of not knowing 'when' and 'how'; of being suddenly GONE, that I've had suicidal feelings and thoughts about it. Guess it's a matter of 'control'.
