I could have liked this a million times, and it still wouldn't have been enough ^.
You're a person. Sometimes avoidance can be fine (in my opinion). Sometimes not being able to manage the rollercoaster is about taking a break Junebug. The fact that you're trying to manage it = :tup:. The fact that you're talking about things you find difficult is a good sign too.
Remember PTSD messes us up..PTSD can affect how we see things, including ourselves. PTSD is the result of something happening to you. At the same time, we're responsible for our actions. But we should only take blame for things we've actually done wrong.
It sounds like things are hard since your sister has been sick?
Dear
@rainy_daze , thank you. :hug: Yes it troubles me very much so. Both of those sisters have had cancer diagnosed from 20 years back. But also since a child there was a very troubling dynamic. There have been times even when we needed a restraining order, essentially. Upon hearing my sister was ill again I am ashamed to say I'm actually afraid to visit.
But mostly even since a child til now (45) they didn't want anything to do with me, & always told me what was wrong with me & how I was to blame. This sister was less angry etc than the other, the other always blamed other people (until they died, then she would blame someone else). I was always told it was my fault, & I was am a freak/ unlovable/ to blame/ 'all my fault'/ I will fail.
This sister called with the news, then continued to say how bad it is, but then does not even give an update (on health). Yet they are both on FB talking about anything but. The only time they phone (negative news) or message it is after they see my sister here post something positive.
I don't know how to describe it; they know that we are 'softies' here, but really they aren't..
Hard to find the words, just like even during my mom's last few days they were talking about "their cancer was back" (it wasn't), who's going to pay for their funerals" (? :confused: ) , & "you (me) look up the latest advances for their treatments" (like she's said now). In the meantime they'd be out going for dinner, planning or taken off on a trip, & otherwise acting like they don't have a care in the world.. Currently they just sold their home for 7 figures. But not a word otherwise since this started. Was supposed to know in first 2 weeks if treatment working at all. She told my sister to come- sort of, then said "they are too busy". I'm not sure how to describe this. I was afraid I haven't been much of a sister. I think to myself, maybe it's the ptsd (perspective)? My friend said here at Christmas they are self, not to try to get involved, love them from a distance, I didn't fail as a sister. (He knows about the ptsd). Otherwise I would have just been devastated. And frankly, they've never wanted anything to do with me & have always said so. My sister here says getting cancer doesn't have anything to do with being an a**hole. But I know what she means. They've caused endless grief/ threats. They tell so many lies. They do strange things like the angry sister will send a msg under the other one's mail. Or she will be vague & use wording to cause worry. Like you don't know if she's 'dead' or not. Despite being aware of it (I think it's some form of gaslighting), I always get sucked in. In takes days/ weeks to recover. But similarly, it sounds like it's the end of the road for her & any chance to have or fix our relationship . :( But it's always drama, dropping 'bombs', not good news, blame, anger, resentment. Every so often the other sister there sends a 'hate' letter.
Dear
@Junebug :)
Are you comparing yourself with your sisters?
Maybe
@Tanishq . They re successful financially, maybe it's they who have been right all along.
Dear tanishq, THANK YOU. Any time is good. :hug:
