Well consider me not a part of "everyone". I can't remember ever hearing about someone who took a severe beating and suddenly became a better person. I also don't think you would do that to anyone else, would you?
Thanks, it's nice to know there's people out there who are not as cruel as most of those around me (excluding my family. They don't really understand me, but they don't wish harm on me either...not that I know at least...).
Maybe a severe beating was a bit of an exaggeration, but I think I do need reality to "slap" me in the face sometimes cause I am deep in a hole - or HIGH into another world - of dissociation and self-indulgence and that's mostly what brings so much stress into my life.
You want to get better, but you also don't feel like you deserve it, right? And maybe being so hard on yourself is a way of self-punishment and therefore a way for you to make up for your existence.
Yes, this describes what I feel
very accurately. I feel this need to punish myself. Every single bad deed, no matter how small it was, that I am guilty of, still causes me so much pain and shame and I have this feeling that I have to PAY for having wronged others and if nobody makes me pay, I'll make MYSELF pay for damn sure.
Having said that, I haven't done much of anything that's way awful or wrong. I mean, I've been a misguided creature all my life and have made plenty of bad decisions, but those who got hurt by those were mainly my family, out of the concern and grief I put them through in my younger days, but most of all, ME.
I know there are eople out there who are guilty of such horrid crimes and terrible things, yet they walk the world completely oblivious and happy and at peace. It's enraging to me. I wish I had that ability to just numb myself out from the weight of my "sins".
I was lucky enough to already be in therapy for an eating disorder at the time and for the antidepressants to work so well for me.
I'm glad to hear you're doing better! :-)
I am seriously considering going back on anti-depressants at the moment. I am not nearly as depressed as years ago, but just because I'm not plotting and planning how to commit suicide doesn't mean I'm not depressed right? So yeah, the only thing stopping me is the fact that ALL antidepressants I've tried in the past, give me sexual side effects and being that I'm still young (36... is young right?) and I have a LOT of sexual energy inside, I feel apprehensive about completely giving up that side of myself and life. I mean, it's not like I have the chance to be with anyone in person and have a fulfilling and loving relationship anyway, but still.
Plus, the fact that I am so unstable makes me completely uncertain of what I like or want in terms of sexuality and even gender. The fact that I was raped, has f*cked with my head in a MAJOR way and now I have this feeling that I HAVE to be gay, cause part of me thinks or partly remembers (I was passed out drunk while I was raped) that I even LIKED what that monster did to me. I figure I might be gay if I liked it. But I can't remember if I was FORCED by him to pretend to like it, or I did that out of fear of him hitting me more or I dunno. Everything is so damn confusing! Ahhhh!
Tell me, what makes you such a bad person?
If I'm realistic about it, I can easily say I'm not that bad of a person. I mean, like I said, I've made mistakes but it's been mostly out of ignorance and the fact that I wasn't really present or all there when I did certain things. But yes, there are plenty of people out there, like the monster that raped me, that lead happy, fulfilling lives. And yet here I am, beating myself up about every single thing my messed up brain and body have drove me to do. I'm not taking away my OWN responsibility and I'm aware I made those choices myself but how can one make smart or kind or useful/skillful choices when one is in so much freakin pain, causing you to be gone into a different world altogether? Can people expect someone like that to make good choices and then hate them and punish them when they don't? I'm not sure.
I am mentally ill. I see that now better than ever, and it's almost like I've been controlled by different forces all my life and I'm just now claiming a space in my brain and reclaiming my body as my own. I'm not saying people should be forgiven or excused for what they do when they are mentally ill, but jeez, I wish I was able to trade places with all these people who think they are so STRONG and BRAVE and normal, just for one day, hell! one HOUR. And then see if they still feel like hating me and judging me and mocking me.
would you think that same way of someone else who had the same characteristics?
It's interesting you asked me this cause it made wonder and think about my answer and I realized that NO, I wouldn't think of someone else who's done the same things as me as a damn monster. I'd think they were very misguided, weak, confused, ill, in pain, and suffering a great deal. Making it IMPOSSIBLE for them to have made a choice AT ALL different from what they did.
Thanks for making me see this!
my family laughs at me all the time. When I ask them to stop they say oh stop being so sensitive. We're not laughing AT you were laughing WITH you. Bullshit. I stay away from them. If someone is not part of my solution then I don't relate to them
I'm sorry you have to go through that and I wish I could put some distance between me and my family, but I'm utterly STUCK here. I can't hack it on my own because of financial reasons mostly, but I also know now that isolating myself like that, living alone and such, I wouldn't last long. I NEED human contact even if it causes me so much pain and fear.
You are feeling a lot of pain right now. What has worked for you in the past? You mention Buddhism. Do you have any books that offer affirmation and relaxation? It's a very here and now philosophy. Sometimes just breathing will stop the stress hormones from coursing through your veins. Take a hot shower and put on clean soft clothes.
I used to think meditation helped me (I meditated 5 days a week for 2 years straight) but I subconsciously turned away from it cause it brought me closer to the buried memories and feelings of my rape. It was only during meditation that those feelings and memories started surfacing. Now I'm scared to meditate again, I haven't done so in about four years and now I'm even more turned off by the thought of doing it cause I've read it can actually "teach" you to dissociate more if you do it wrong. This would be exactly the case with me.
Any time I TRY to do something, I end up messing it up, cause I try too hard and in a wrong way, so I know by now that I just have to "wing it" and do what comes naturally. Even that is tricky tho.
I do Yoga every day. I do a hard session three days a week and the rest is easy, relaxing ones. I enjoy it a lot but I have to get through the resistance to helping myself that I seem to have so engrained into my being.
I was gonna listen to Jon Kabatt Zinn's (sp?) book "The Mindful Way Through Depression", or the one to manage pain, or the "Full Catastrophe Living" one, but I am now scared these will lead me into a more dissociative way of being. I can't handle more dissociation!
Even breathing is tricky for me. Again, as soon as I "set out" to do it well or just do it, I screw it up. As soon as I put my attention on something, I ruin it. So it's best to just let it flow. Let it happen. Make myself comfortable and hope for the best.
Thanks to all of you for your great responses.
