(not) Dealing Well With A Trigger

[desiderata310]

Got triggered yesterday- day ending kind of trigger (talked to therapist, take meds and shut down at 5pm)- by a story about the dad who beat the crap out of his son's perp.

I managed to send the link to my therapist. That was all. He asked me if I was ok.

No.

He figured that article would trigger the hell out of me.

I tried to keep myself grounded. Didn't work.

Stupid me for reading a triggering story.

I keep telling myself that it wasn't that bad because I'm afraid of giving it strength. I'm afraid of what that means if it was as horrible as what my therapist seems to say. It was my reality. What does it mean if my reality was really horrendous?

Fault? It's easier to blanket statement say it was my fault and walk away. If it wasn't then I have to re-examine EVERYTHING and redetermine my culpability. What if my culpability is greater than I thought?!

No one cared what happened to me. No one ever walked in and stopped what was happening. It couldn't have been so bad.

The question posed to me last week was : would I say the same thing to another kid. No, but that's different.

Today I'm still dealing with phantom pain. Feels like it happened last night. I feel disgusting. Stomach is killing me which makes it all the more real.

I should get ready for work but that also means getting on my bike and riding up hills and being physically active before work.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

 

[Mystery]

Ah desiderata310, what does it mean? It means that you survived something horrendous. That you have been sidetracked by something else that made you remember that there was no hero there for you. I've felt that too before. I resent the people who could have and didn't valiantly defend my honour and sanity. It has to be me that does it for myself now. I really feel for you, you always have such kind and supportive words for everyone else, I wish I could give you a real long peaceful hug with no words. ((((Just Hugs))))

 

[scout86]

What if my culpability is greater than I thought?!

What if it's LESS than you think? And it probably is.

No one cared what happened to me. No one ever walked in and stopped what was happening. It couldn't have been so bad.

So, you think there's a connection between "how bad it was" and whether or not anyone knew or cared? How does that work, exactly?

The question posed to me last week was : would I say the same thing to another kid. No, but that's different.

Specifically, how is it different? Go ahead, convince me. (I dare you! :confused:)

I read the same story. My reaction was "Way to go Dad!" Then I felt a little "wrong" because, technically, Dad went a little overboard, I guess, but the reaction has a certain appeal, at least to me.

 

[catjudo]

technically, Dad went a little overboard

Nah, he left him alive and called an ambulance. Technically, he stopped before going overboard. ;)

 

[desiderata310]

So, you think there's a connection between "how bad it was" and whether or not anyone knew or cared? How does that work, exactly?

I don't know. I know I used to get "sick" a lot as a kid. Infections and such. Doctors never said anything. Mom never said or did anything. Brother turned a blind eye or didn't know

It's looking back on it now that makes it all so confusing.It was just reality. I hated life but it was normal.

What if it's LESS than you think? And it probably is.

Specifically, how is it different? Go ahead, convince me. (I dare you! )

Everything in me screams that it is my fault. Everything was my fault as I was growing up. *I* came on to him. He said it was my fault to begin with! Dad used to talk to my mom about how I useless I was and how I was going to wind up trailer trash and I was too sexual for my age. So, yeah... I did deserve it.

I managed to get to work. Not sure what use I am going to be today. Still feeling gross and achy.

I read the article because of other people's comments. I thought surely if they were having such a visceral reaction, I would find some satisfaction in reading it as well. It had the opposite effect. The mention of the kid's 'tell' that things were about to go bad... just... it was similar. I got sick. ugh.

 

[xena21]

No one cared what happened to me. No one ever walked in and stopped what was happening. It couldn't have been so bad.

I get that. I feel that way, yet then I feel guilty for it. I believe it was my fault so nobody could have stopped it but me. Its a double edged sword. I wanted someone to stop it so I didn't have to make that decision, but nobody did, and I was too weak and scared to do it.

The guilt is so great for me. I feel so weak now even though noone stepped in. I think for that young boy though, the guilt will still be there despite his Dad beating the crap out of that kid. He will probably still feel guilty for not stopping it, yet he will know his Dad is there for him. Its such a horrible thing all the way around despite any circumstances though.

I can relate though. It couldn't have been that bad if nobody stopped it for us. If it went on as a normal day then it must have been ok, right? We expect our family and friends to protect us from danger. When danger is in our daily existence it seems that it becomes normal or "not as bad" as it really should be. People miss it so easily, and maybe look the other way or don't want to see it. People might not see it out of avoidance or neglect, or necessity and many other reasons. For me, it was a necessity that my family take turns taking care of me. My Mom never knew what was going on. I believe that. She had no money and needed babysitters so that's what you do...rely on family.

Everyone is different. I just hope you get closure or feel somewhat better in the days to come despite that horrible story.

 

[joeylittle]

I keep telling myself that it wasn't that bad because I'm afraid of giving it strength. I'm afraid of what that means if it was as horrible as what my therapist seems to say. It was my reality. What does it mean if my reality was really horrendous?...No one cared what happened to me. No one ever walked in and stopped what was happening. It couldn't have been so bad.

I only wanted to say that these words of yours might as well be my own. So if there's any comfort at all in knowing you're not the only person thinking these thoughts, I can guarantee you're not.

That concept: "it was my reality" is one that resonates so deeply with me. And I am sorry for the pain you feel.

 

[desiderata310]

I get that. I feel that way, yet then I feel guilty for it. I believe it was my fault so nobody could have stopped it but me. Its a double edged sword. I wanted someone to stop it so I didn't have to make that decision, but nobody did, and I was too weak and scared to do it.

YES! And who was I going to tell anyway?
I remember my mom asking me when I was 4 if I wanted her to divorce my dad.
Huh?
Dad had already spent a decade beating the shit out of her and was only getting started on me. I don't know. I was scared. What would have happened if I said yes? Would we be homeless? Why ask me at 4?

I don't know. If I had said yes, maybe I wouldn't be such a mess. Maybe it really IS my fault. Mom blames me for her staying with him because I said no.

 

[Dana1010]

I don't know. If I had said yes, maybe I wouldn't be such a mess. Maybe it really IS my fault. Mom blames me for her staying with him because I said no.

I don't think there's a four year old living who would say yes to divorcing their dad, monster or not. It's extremely hard for people to give up on having parents, there's just a primal survival instinct that tells us we need parents, any parents, especially when we're young. I've disowned mine, but I know my siblings still hang on because it's so hard to face being that alone in the world. Acknowledging you don't have parents is the microcosmic equivalent of facing a Godless universe, only the emotional pain is more gut level and immediate.

I think she asked you at four knowing full well you'd say no, so she could say she did it all for the kid because she wanted to stay for her own selfish reasons.

 

[Friday]

YES! And who was I going to tell anyway?
I remember my mom asking me when I was 4 if I wanted her to divorce my dad.
Huh?
Dad had already spent a decade beating the shit out of her and was only getting started on me. I don't know. I was scared. What would have happened if I said yes? Would we be homeless? Why ask me at 4?

I don't know. If I had said yes, maybe I wouldn't be such a mess. Maybe it really IS my fault. Mom blames me for her staying with him because I said no.

There were times I didn't leave my husband purely because my son asked me to divorce him (I didn't want him shouldering the blame for the divorce later one, that's a grown up decision).

Can you imagine how sick your mom must be to blame a 4yo???

Not absolving her, that's a wrong thing to do always, but an adult woman blaming a 4yo for anything is off the charts.

I'll tell you something else from the mom-in-an-abusive marriage POV :

I chose to stay with my no doubts about it abusive ex for 6 years after realizing for once and all, that he was abusive... "because" of my son. For the pure and simple reason that it was the only way I could protect him. Married, my ex had little interest in us / was rarely home (a few hours a week total, if that). I knew if I divorced him, though, that he'd get 50% custody (and when I was eventually forced into divorcing him, when my son was 9, that's what he's gotten). As long as I was there I could protect my son. I reinforced two of the rooms in my house (bathroom downstairs & his bedroom upstairs) and he could lock himself in while I threw my ex out of the house. I was not going to leave my 3, 4, 5, 6yo alone to handle a man on his own that I could not.

Does that make it my sons fault?

Hell. No.

It's my fault for marrying a sociopathic asshole.
And it's my ex's fault for being an abusive schmuck.

The only person with NO blame in this whatsoever is our child.

I stayed for 6 years longer than I would have, because I chose to. I could have chosen to throw my son to the hyenas. I could have chosen to run. I could have chosen to kill my ex. As the adult, I had choices. My son did not. He had no choices. He has to live with my choices. But they're mine, and mine alone. There is nothing he could have done.

 

[Mystery]

I see so much of my own stories in the above posts, both my childhood and adult abusive relationships. FridayJones, you are like Queen Boadicea. She was a Celtic Queen who led her army into battle on her chariot, wiping out the armies of those that invaded her land and raped her, then her two young daughters in front of her. There were many battles she fought and won.

The amazing thing, as if that was not amazing enough, was that she never let her daughters out of her sight, even once after that day. The two traumatized girls huddled in front of her feet in the Chariot, in every battle.

All throughout my life, when I doubted whether I could take any more from the two evil freaks I had my children to, I would think of her and think, if she could do that, then I could do this......it took it's toll on me though.

 

[xena21]

All throughout my life, when I doubted whether I could take any more from the two evil freaks I had my children to, I would think of her and think, if she could do that, then I could do this......it took it's toll on me though.

I'm so sorry you went through that. I can't fathom how difficult that is with your daughters and the stress that comes along with it. The fear must be incredible. Do you have an outlet that you use?

That Queen sounds like an amazing individual. I have never heard of her. What a horrible thing. What a great thing she did for her children though. Its good that you chose to pick that part and gain strength for your own kids. I really think that's amazing and a great thing to do. I hope you see that. I hope you feel better too.