What Would You Do?

[Bookoffee]

My sister’s daughter is getting married this Friday. We RSVP to go. My wife was offered a job at the local medical university and her start date is the day of the wedding. I have no memory of this, but I had a text message conversation with my sister trying to tell her that we can’t make the wedding. This is a sister that I may have seen a couple dozen times in my life.

In our text conversation I broke down and told her how bad my PTSD is and my agoraphobia. It was so embarrassing. It turned into a mess. I was like a young child begging for attention. The more I tried to explain, the madder she became. She was telling me how mad her daughter will be because I already RSVP to the wedding. She went on to explain that her daughter also deals with panic and she fights through it, why can’t I? I tried to explain trauma and agoraphobia to her and she told me how much I am missing out on.

I left the conversation with her that we would be there at a later time, during the reception. Tonight when I texted to confirm the reception address and to apologize for earlier texts, she made a questioning comment about us being at the wedding.

I don’t know how to respond. Should I say nothing and just show up at the reception? I am not sure if I can even show up for that now. I am so scared to go to this reception. What would you do?

 

[J_trustno1]

If it was a sister who was never nice to you and forced her views on you, i personally wouldn't go. I have cut some of the family members out of my life based on how toxic they were. It's totally up to you and how comfortable you feel going. If you're not comfortable then don't go and simply send a card with some money or some wedding present. And you can make arrangements to meet your niece later on?

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

First of all, I'm sorry your sister treated you that way. That was unnecessary and uncool. She is probably really stressed about all the details and pressure of the wedding (my mom certainly was) but that is certainly no excuse for her to talk to you like she did. It sucks when family members, instead of providing care and understanding and support, choose to look down their noses at us for the struggles we are dealing with. If I were in your shoes, I would not go. I like the prior suggestion of sending a card or present instead. With PTSD we deal with enough sh*t and we shouldn't have to be around people who make us feel disrespected and small. You deserve better.

 

[Bookoffee]

I have been around my niece maybe three times since I have known her.

I am scared that if I just show up for the reception or just send a gift, I will get more of the talk. I just met this side of the family within the last few years. I just at a lost.

 

[RussH]

have you considered asking your wife what her thoughts are going to the reception are. Maybe if she reads the text she can formulate an answer that will be best for you. She knows you, and what you can handle, so this might be your best option for reaching a decision.

You could also try talking directly to your neice.

It is obvious you sister does not understand PTSD. It would be nice if she would take the initative and educate herself.

 

[ladyonthelake]

@Bookoffee - It sounds like this situation is causing you a lot of undue stress. I won't tell YOU what to do, but I would tell you what I would do, since you asked. I wouldn't go. I'm not healthy though, my depression/anxiety are at its height. Not only would I not go, but I'd probably shut down and avoid the situation all together. I'm not sure what point you are in your treatment. I know there have to be better ways to deal with confrontational situations than my typical shut down. Your sister wasn't being nice. In your defense, you tried to explain the situation and it only escalated because she would not accept your declination. If you have the support to help walk you through how to deal with standing your ground in a healthy matter, I'd reach out for it.

Best of luck to you. I hope you do what YOU feel is best. It's entirely okay to be selfish when you're healing yourself.

 

[anthony]

I would go... that is what I would do. For nothing other than to fight the problem that wants to keep me from enjoying life and living.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Follow your heart and trust your gut instincts.

 

[The Albatross]

I have been around my niece maybe three times since I have known her.

I am scared that if I just show up for the reception or just send a gift, I will get more of the talk.

So let them talk. I vote to go with your instincts as you have competing needs. It is unnecessary to go into explanations. Stuff happens. I probably though would have made crystal clear that "My wife was offered a job at the local medical university and her start date is the day of the wedding" and left it at that.

No fuss, no muss.

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. If anybody faults you for giving your priority to your spouse who is starting a new job on the date of the wedding, that's there problem.

 

[scout86]

What would you do?

I'd send a gift and a note saying "Best wishes for a happy life!" But, that would have been my plan from the start. Because I really hate events like that, even without the added drama. (Although I have to admit there's something to be said for @anthony's approach too.)

Now, is it that your wife can't go, because of her job and you'd have to go alone? What does she want to do?

What I think YOU should do, is what ever you want. I imagine they've planned and paid for dinners & such, which is the problem with the RSVP. Still it's not that big a deal and it happens all the time that people have to change plans. What ever you decide, you don't owe a detailed explanation, IMO.

 

[Bookoffee]

I have a lot to think about.

I wouldn't be able to go by myself, I would need my wife with me. I would have a panic attack without her. I barely know these people and the sister I know more is not invite to the wedding.

My wife thinks I should ignore the last text message and show up for the reception. I am just nervous, scared about the tension and eye darts. I don't know if this family is like this or not but I am not sure what to think now.