Would You Say Goodbye

[Nighthawk]

I found out on Thursday that my therapist is getting her certification in a modalty that seems to trigger the heck out of me. We have been here to some degree before. The only issue she is not willing to step out of that box and with her getting certified, I can only imagin her beoming even more ridged,

I went in today and expressed that if her box is getting tighter and the therapy more ridged I could not continue with her. Must say she was fine with this. She asked if this was our last session. She also asked if we could have a closing session.

I don't think I can give it to her. I feel burnt. I have spent a lot of time and energy into just getting safe. Now this.

 

[Leah123]

I'm sorry to hear about this. I don't feel like we have nearly enough information to judge what's best, as if a stranger really could. I want to support you in trusting your judgment and weighing the alternatives:

starting again with someone new right away
quitting therapy altogether
seeing her for a while while you transition to someone else
trying to work through what you find triggering about the modalities with her
consulting another therapist for a one-time or limited-time consultation to get some objective feedback

Of course, you'll have to consider how long you've been seeing her, how much she's willing to help you adjust, how much progress you've made with her, the alternate therapist options, etc.

If you've already been struggling to make it work with her, that is a red flag, but I don't know how many therapists you've had prior, how many modalities you're open to, what your expectations and hopes for therapy are, so, lots to weigh.

Maybe you can use this space as a sounding board and share some more?

 

[Nighthawk]

Well I think the fact that I put my foot down is progress all on its own. :)

I am not open to a new theraputic relationship at this time. I have tried several types of therapy. I lost two therapists within 3 years because they moved. I have never quit therapy before.

There is something about how rigid DBT therpy is that really drives me insane and not in a good way. I have struggled with this type of therapy from the get go. I have also pushed myself to challenge it for over a year now.

 

[Leah123]

P.S. I do notice you said "you imagine her becoming more rigid."

Did you actually ask her how her practice would change with you, if at all, or did she discuss it with you? And I'm not sure if she really was "fine" with it. Are you positive? Because it's her job and part of her ethical code not to influence your decision or to insert her feelings into your therapy, so it would be most appropriate for her to not act upset, but you don't know if she's fine with it unless she says so or unless you ask her your questions, like... "do you want me to leave therapy?" etc.

I just saw your most recent post: we cross-posted. So, you've been with her for a year and you have not liked her approach? Or was it a mixed experience? I am still curious to hear the answers to my other questions too- are you making progress, do you two have a good working relationship, etc.

 

[Nighthawk]

I think she was taken to the left field. She did agree that she would become more ridged and that she would not work outside the box.

 

[Leah123]

Well, if you have tried her methods based on DBT for one year and you have not made progress and you do not feel too attached to her, what would be the positive reasons for staying? Maybe listing both will help.

 

[GWhizz]

I don't really understand.

I mean, I understand that therapist's have areas they specialise in. But did you know before you committed to seeing her that this was her specialist area of choice?

It's not fair for her to take you on as a client a year ago with the impression that she would treat you according to your needs etc. Yet now turn around and put limits on what way she will work with you from now. Does she feel that you could fully benefit from only this area? If not, is she encouraging you to find someone else more suitable to your requirements?

I would be asking her all of these things and whether or not she thinks it's better if you move on. She may not be ethically allowed to influence your decision. Though she should be able to redirect you if she doesn't think it's going to work. And I'm also dumbfounded that you were only told this last week.

Just know that not all therapists/clients will be compatible for whatever reason. I'm sorry if you feel you've invested time in vain. I hope she can at least provide some recommendations of who she may feel would be more suitably appropriate to your needs

 

[seedling]

She is fine with a decision from you not to continue? It sounds like she is letting you know that this is the area she will continue to focus her professional energy on.

I know what you mean about therapy types that feel rigid. I get a sense of this with my therapist sometimes, he does CBT. I got to him for certain things and depend on other sources for different input (acupuncture, art-focused work).

It may be possible to stay with her for a certain length of time if you have a plan of what you will do with your sessions - a specific focus perhaps with printed material as a guide. Not sure if that's what you want right now.

 

[scot]

I don't think I can give it to her.

Sorry, I can't get that quote to work...:)
These words jumped at me when I was reading your post. Did you realize that you were writing them and what these words mean? I am just saying, because I did say such things myself, even not noticing it at that time..... Therapy should be FOR YOU, not for your therapist. If you really feel like that, something is wrong - just saying.

 

[joeylittle]

@scot, I fixed it for you. There's a great tutorial on how to work with the quote function here: Link Removed

@Nighthawlk, I do say well done for putting your foot down. It's really, really hard to quit therapy if you're the sort who doesn't like to quit things. Don't know if you're that sort, I know I am, and the times I've had to quit were agonizingly difficult. So good for you!

I wouldn't rule out scheduling a wrap up session exactly for the reasons you said:

• Being able to express how burnt you feel after trying this modality for a year and ultimately having it not work
• Being able to express how disappointing it is to have laid so much of yourself on the table
• Asking her to tell you how she feels about you terminating
• Asking her to give you her opinion on what things might work better for you. (You don't have to take her opinion, but she might be useful)

I have this strange dangling unresolved feeling from the one therapist I stopped seeing without doing a wrap-up - mostly because I wanted to tell her how I didn't think it was my failing to do the therapy right (as she asserted), but her not seeing what wasn't working for me.

Whatever you decide, you've got supporters here. And taking a break from therapy isn't always a bad thing.

 

[Nighthawk]

Firstly we have made progress and I have found it has happened when we have stepped away from DBT therapy. Secondly I like her although it is a painfully challenging process.

@scot. I Dont think I can go in for a closing session.

She did recomend somatic experincing therapy. She also said that if I am find DBT aggresive it is not the right therapy for me.

I see my equine therapist tomorrow. Ill adress this and see what recomendations or ideas come up.

@joeylittle I never give up. I always work my toosh off.

 

[joeylittle]

I always work my toosh off.

I believe it.

Have a good session with the horses tomorrow. Before I didn't have a choice anymore and had to get into the therapy experience, spending time with my horse was likely the thing keeping me going. Equines for the Win.