Does This Mean I Am Cold?

[J_trustno1]

I don't know if this is the right place to post my question or not. Please move this question if this isn't the right place for it. Thanks.

So here is my question. Yesterday my father called my mother and was all stressed about being made redundant from the job he's worked for almost 30 yrs just because he holds an overseas residence. I know this is strange but this is the new law that has been passed by the government there if someone holds an overseas residence then they can no longer work for in India. So he was talking to my mother about it and was quite stressed.

However, I felt nothing for his loss. I didn't care, i had no emotions for him losing his job and i didn't care. I think i have written about my fathers favoritism for my brother and how he always berated me n strangled me when i was 10. Plus him trying to kill my mother several times. Btw he has never done that to my brother.

So when i heard that news, I didn't feel the pain my father was feeling and my brother was all worried about "his" fathers loss for this job. My brother then tries to induce this guilt trip to me saying, "you don't really care do you?"

I mean how can I care if that man suffers? I am not the one making him redundant and I'm not the one that passed that law. I have no feeling left for that man after what he'd done to me all these years then why was my brother trying to make me feel sorry for something I don't feel like the need to? He is the same man who always called me dumb, useless, tried killing me, said ruthless things to me and why should I care if suffers or not?

Can anyone justify my brother's behavior to me please?

 

[StarChild]

Hi @J_trustno1, to me, your post is a bit confusing; Because the title of it asks the reader if you're cold... But then it's about your father and your brother. That's okay, but where lies now the emphasis in your thread? And why should someone "justify" your brother's behaviour to you? Why would you want it justified? Sorry, but I'm quite confused. Maybe you can help me, to better understand the actual question / answer(s) you're looking for? Thank you in advance.

 

[NicG]

Justify your brother's behaviour? It doesn't sound particularly justifiable.
It's ridiculous for someone to expect you to care when something bad happens to a person who made your life hell. Is he just blind to what your father did to you and your mother because of the favouritism shown to him?

I think it's completely fine to not care, and not feel anything, and not WANT to feel anything. Your brother shouldn't be trying to guilt trip you about that. It sounds like he doesn't understand any of the trauma you faced and the consequences it's had on the rest of your life. A father's job is to protect his children and family. He has not done that. You are under no obligation to care about his job loss and stress,especially when he has threatened you and your mother's life.

 

[arfie]

Justification is not my strong suit. To the contrary, I do not trust justification. I see Justification as the pedestal upon which the world's most cruel atrocities are glorified. I believe it is much healthier to accept that the heart goes where it goes and to work with my sincere emotions.

In a position like this, I work on a compassionate defense for why I am not able to feel the socially acceptable emotion. In this particular instance my own response might be, "I am sorry I have not yet achieved the forgiveness which might let me feel for him." That might be my response. Maybe. Subtle differences in different situations make it tough to predict. I have siblings who that would launch into a tirade over whatever response I give them. For them, "Silence is golden." After giving them silence, I carry my sincere emotions to my support net, as you have just done. God, grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change.

Just my take. Gentle support while you sort through your own unique dynamics, J_trustno1.

 

[Friday]

Sure. Easy. Just pick one:

He's trying to process his own feelings, he doesn't care either and is aghast that you aren't playing along/ might be outing him/ blame shifting, he cares deeply and doesn't understand why or is furious that you don't, you're creating cognitive dissonance between what he expected and what happened, you're nothing more than an object to him and are disobeying, you're his hero and he's trying to emulate you by understanding your process...

There could be dozens, if not hundreds, of reasons behind he said what he did. Some noble, some vile, and everything in between.

I'm less curious about his motivations, though, than yours. Is there a reason why you don't ask him? If you don't trust him enough to tell you the truth, or think that you won't like the truth... Does it matter what his reasoning might be? Both, honest questions.

 

[J_trustno1]

I'll rephrase the question for those who didn't get what i was asking. So my question should've been, "Does it make me cold for not feeling any emotions for what is happening to my first abuser?"

Now back to @FridayJones : My brother has this problem of thinking he is smart and Mr know it all. Last year when one of the other abusers lived in the house and when that abuser picked on me, my brother blamed me for being "sarcastic and rude". The simple reason behind my brother failing to realise how they have been to me is because they have never treated him the way I was treated.

My father used to make fresh juice for my brother after they came from their exercising session. My father cared about my brother being obese so he always trained him, and after the training my father would feed him almonds and prepare juices etc. However, when i trained my father would tell me "no matter how much you train, you will not lose the weight!" My father never strangled my brother in fact my brother is going to visit him to India this year and my father has already booked a trip with him to the Taj Mahal. Next up, when i was in school, i was always a hardworker and I worked hard at school, i always topped my classes. However, my brother is a street smart so he could do those challenging maths word problems which i still can't do, as a result my brother has always been considered smart and intelligent while I was the dumb despite me topping every class while my brother barely passed school.

Next up is the second abuser, my mum's brother who forced child labor on me. Mum's brother used to spoil my brother, take him to movies, buy him expensive gifts while I was sworn at, berated, humiliated on my 13th birthday in front of 50+ people at his restaurant. Secondly, on my 16th birthday without even being invited, my mum's asshole brother comes to my birthday and tells me that my birthday seems like a funeral to him. Due to all that humiliation I have not celebrated my birthday for the last 13 yrs!

Apart from all that background, my brother still thinks I am the culprit for provoking my mum's asshole brother, I don't have manners, I don't greet any of them and I have a wrong personality that's why I attract assholes and that's why I was almost raped by my so called friends.

I hope this is enough information for everyone.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think your obsessions lie outside the scope of ptsd as your threads all go in the same direction, regardless of where they start. Have you discussed your repetitive thoughts with your therapist and psychiatrist? It's a bit worrisome as I know what it's like to be stuck with nothing but your looping thoughts.

 

[Lucycat]

Does it make me cold
.

I don't know. Does it?
Do you feel cold?

 

[J_trustno1]

@Solara : So you are trying to be a psychiatrist are you? That means you are totally over your abuse! I am guessing that everyone here is also over their abuse? Tell me one thing, why don't you post on my other threads which talk about my achievements? Why do you always come throwing your crap whenever I am having a down day? If you have a problem with me then why don't you talk to me straightaway? I am trying to not bother you but you always come here seeking attention from me. No matter how well you are ignored but you just keep throwing things at me.

To the staff, Yes, the button just above where we write states "show ignored content" and that is how I get to see what she has written! I suppose no one is going to take care of her diagnoses on me! I don't go around telling people diseases they have without being qualified then how the hell can this person come to every single thread of mine and diagnose me? Yes, I am not over the past but that does not mean I am OCD!

Now here is the reason why she is ignored in the first place. About about a month ago she was lashing out on everyone on chat and that triggered me! She was lying to other memebers about me spreading hate towards her. When I ignored her on the chat she comes calling out for me through other chat members and making them ask me if i have her on ignore or not. When I unignored her she calls my ptsd and depression being my "karma" then she tells me to go back to "my CBT".

I have never made fun of whatever abuse she has been in but she comes screaming at me every time i write something, if there is a problem I really need to sort it out with her and I have had enough of this nonsense and her diagnosing me with millions of mental illnses when she doesn't know half the stuff she is on about!

 

[anthony]

@J_trustno1, put the member on your ignore list if unhappy from within your account settings, and thus the issue is fixed, unless you choose to then read their posts by intentionally clicking to do so.

 

[franciemarnie]

Your brother denies the reality of what happened, so he creates a different version and tries to fit you into it. But it's not real, it's a distortion, so it doesn't work. You would be cold if your father was kind and never abusive. You are in reality and reacting as someone in touch with reality. Your brother is like mine.

 

[RussH]

To the heart of your question: does this make you a cold person? I think when your abuser has pushed you beyond the point of caring about them one way or another, and something like this happens, then indifference to their situation would be normal.

Do you show indifference toward others, or just your dad? If yes, then you be "cold"
Or do you find yourself being caring and compassionate' toward others, but you don't toward your dad? If yes, then you are not cold, you are simply reacting to the past abuse of your father.