Desperate To Force Myself To Cut Off My Family.

[Justmehere]

My mother called me today. About Christmas. My mother who is married to my abusive father.

I’m trying to limit connection with her after some very recent and very cruel statements she made to me several weeks ago.

She has a habit of calling me and then if I say something she doesn’t like or whatever, she puts the phone down. She doesn’t hang up, she doesn’t express her dislike of what I have said, she just puts the phone down only for me to finish talking and say hello? Hello? Then I have to hang up. Then I usually call back. I KNOW, this is a stupid idea. I should never call back. But I do. Then she sometimes tells me what bothered her, sometimes doesn’t. I no longer ask or respond to it unless she promptly tells me in a normal fashion, instead of this just putting down the phone and waiting for me to realize she isn’t there anymore.

And no, it’s not like I talk on and on. This morning I told her I wasn’t comfortable staying in my town and listed two reasons why. And somewhere along the way, she put the phone down and stopped listening. I said about 4 sentences. I have no idea which sentence was not of her liking or why NOR DO I CARE.

She me again called this morning and started listing her many complaints about me and then stated her complaint that she doesn’t even know what state I will be in for Christmas so she can’t make any plans. She told me I should make the reservations and then tell her and oh by the way I am so “unstable” and she just doesn’t understand why. I screamed at her. Again, I know, I shouldn’t scream. So *I* hung up, FULLY hung up the phone and texted her that her comment about my lack of stability while asking me to make travel plans for her is idiotic. She should pick a more “stable” person then to make the plans for her.

Never mind all of this happened while I was in the ER getting IV fluids for a severe case of the flu, which doesn’t seem to phase her. NO, I needed to tell her where I was having Christmas so she can make plans. I don’t know what the plans are or if they are plans to be with me.
I never agreed to make any freaking plans for her and where I spend Christmas is NOT HER BUSINESS when she can not even treat me LIKE A HUMAN BEING.

And I’m sick of the crazy. This doesn’t even touch on the crazy events of the past 4 weeks alone with just her.

Yet, I still want to call her. I don’t even know why.

So this is my declaration that I am not contacting them for the next 48 hours. I know, it’s stupid to have this be this hard. But, I got to start somewhere. They are calling, emailing, facebooking me (and now blocked), and even sent the police for a welfare check to make sure “she didn’t die.”

I. Am. Not. Responding to her or anyone else. For 48 hours.

No matter what they do. And after 48 hours, I will consider a restraining order against my mother contacting me again. This is my public promise to myself and to my healing.

 

[Powder]

Justmehere,

What I hear when you say that she blames you, won't listen to you if she doesn't like what you have to say is basically ABANDONMENT, NEGLECT, and Emotional ABUSE. She is emotionally abusive. It's not just your father. She is also an asshole. I think she just "seemed" the better of the two and you needed to connect or love SOMEONE as a child, but it's going to take time to see that these two deserve each other but don't have to be like them; it's a choice to put up with it and blend in, or decide to live a different, kinder existence.

They are not concerned about you, they are smear campaigning you, trying to humiliate you publically into NOT exposing the fact they are not good people. They sound like they both suffer from a personality disorder.

[DLMURL]http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/narcissistic-mother/[/DLMURL]

The above is my mother. She did the same stuff to me. I was in denial and thought I could eventually get her to love me how I needed to be loved. Ain't happening.

I do not have contact. And, those other family who are well-intended by pressure me to get back together with them are also not people I chose to spend much time with. I keep minimal to no contact with them either because the last thing I need is pressure to go back into denial and suck it up another 30 years so everyone can have their illusions and continue to feed the narcissist family's narcissistic supply of "You're amazing (even though we all know you're really an asshole)!"

 

[Seagreen]

You are really strong to do this.

 

[Ice_Fire]

I am facing similar issues with cutting out my dad. My mother was the abusive one in my childhood (for the most part). I am so proud you are strong enough to do this. I need to do the same.

 

[Justmehere]

Oh geez. My mother who NEVER skypes, just tried to skype me. But I hit ignore!

 

[Ice_Fire]

good, stay strong! She will probably find tons of ways to contact you because you're not giving her the opportunity she wants to be a b*tch...frankly. She's being denied her power and control over you and your emotions, so she's going to try and find ways to get to you. I hope she will get bored and/or this will help you see where her actions are coming from. It's not from a place of love, I can assure you of that. (sorry)

 

[scout86]

I'm going through something similar. I was reading an old thread on here today that was pretty good. (One of the many entitled "Cutting ties with family".) Someone mentioned "Stockholm Syndrome". I'd never thought about that, but.......

My thoughts on your situation? You have the flu! You are really sick!! You need to take care of yourself!!! You might even be contagious and certainly wouldn't be good company. They really ought to plan to find someone else to pick on this Christmas. (You're more than welcome to come here. Me & the dogs & the horses are planning a nice quiet day at home. :))

 

[Friday]

You are not responsible for your mother.

You are not responsible for making sure she understands what has been told to her repeatedly. You are not responsible for her changing her mind. You are not responsible for her mood, marriage, or choices.

You can only abandon kids & pets. Everyone else can take care of themselves.

 

[scout86]

You can only abandon kids & pets. Everyone else can take care of themselves.

I actually just got a letter from my mother, where she said she feels like I've "abandoned" her. (Which actually implies a relationship that never existed in the first place). I think that might be the perfect response!

 

[KwanYingirl]

This is classic blaming the victim on your Mothers part. She just HAS to denigrate you so the arrow won't land on or in her. Classic narcissist. Putting up your shield will protect you from her barbs. Do you have an IPhone? You can block calls with it, just scroll down her phone number page to the bottom and it says block call. I've used it and it does work. I mean really, trying to reason with her is nothing but shoveling sand against the tide. What a way to act when your daughter is in the f...ing ER. If you need a shoulder to cry on message me. Ya gotta dig in your heels. You can do this!!

 

[a3a2]

I have found it easiest not to say forever, but just to recognize that I need time....and give myself that time. However much I need, not what they want.

 

[Seasounds]

I have been in this situation. It is challenging. It is like dropping an old habit, and creating a new one. I think you are connecting to a deep clarity, and giving yourself the gift of deep self-respect, and asking that your mother and family respect you, too. Hurrah!!

After repeated attempts, my family was not able to treat me respectfully. Everyone has their own way to work through situations like this. I worked for a long time, trying different strategies. In the end, I gave up contact.

The benefit, was the gift of greater mental health. The disadvantage, was the loss of even neutral family connections-including relatives that sided with my mother and father (both abusive). In the end, I've benefited, greatly; and I still work at building a close 'family-like' groups of friends.

You are a good person, for setting boundaries! Your mother is responsible for her pain, NOT you. It is good if you don't feel sympathy for your abusers!! Walk away, move forward, tending to yourself, and create a safe setting for yourself, whatever it takes. It is the gift of life, that you deserve!

It is very helpful, when creating boundaries and establishing new boundaries, to have a good friend and a good T, to become your new anchors. They help keep you sane, and grounded, while you transition (support in grief and needing reassurance may be needed).

Only if you want, re-engage. We can trust people to be themselves; we can not trust them to change. We CAN change ourselves. You are responsible for your happiness, and doing a fine job, at it!