Supporter Can Ptsd Cause Infidelity?

[Queen Boudica]

And you are naïve and playing games. You asked the questions and didn't like the answers. His infidelity has nothing to do with ptsd. You have come up with a whole load of ignorant statements. Suddenly you tell us he has agreed to therapy when before in your original post it was that he refused and you have to work on your reaction.

Don't you dare patronise me with your prayers. You are ignorant and incapable of recognising good advice from people who actually have experience.

 

[kizzy-love]

@Lizio I wasn't talking you... kindly keep your negative comments to yourself!! I don't owe you an explanation or any justifications. Have a blessed day, positive vibes coming your way!!

 

[Queen Boudica]

You keep your own negative comments. When you post you post to everyone. I suggest you message if you want a private conversation.

 

[BloomInWinter]

@kizzy-love I'm not able to read many of your posts due to the lack of paragraph breaks, which is difficult for me to read. To me, I have a basic rule. Infidelity is a deal-breaker. It doesn't matter what the cause may be. I will not tolerate that behavior in my life.

Regarding the heated discussion which is developing, we all have a choice on this forum to take what we like and ignore the rest. Please do that.

Let's keep this thread on-topic, everyone.

Thanks.

 

[kizzy-love]

@BloomInWinter thank you I appreciate that. No one has to agree with others opinions but I don't tolerate disrespect and negativity. Just bc I experienced a bump on the road during my marriage it doesn't give anyone the right to talk to me in a rude manner and be disrespectful. We are all here looking for answers, I'm very new to this site and therefore i had no clue how to start the conversation... clearly my subject offended some ppl but that wasn't my intention... I read this article and that's where my curiosity came from not from my husband.. when I was looking for answers I didn't search specifically for PTSD I searched for infidelity and what he claimed caused it (the feelings he was having) and to my surprise this is what turned up. Granted he was diagnosed but I never thought or suspected it could cause him to be disloyal...and still don't. I was simply trying to understand what he claims pushed him to do it...for a lack of better words!! It won't let me post the full link it was under "ptsdspirituality" under "spirituality-ptsd-damages-love-increases-porn-and-infidelity"

 

[joeylittle]

he doesn't blame his actions on PTSD. I blame his feelings as "unwanted, unloved, distressed, anxious, lost, angry, sad..." on PTSD.

I am a sufferer, not a supporter. I want to share something I observed in this statement, and its something I've seen other supporters do.

You are looking for a source - a reason - for his feelings of "unwanted, unloved, distressed, anxious, lost, angry, sad". He is feeling these feelings inside of your marriage, and so he became unfaithful to try and alleviate these feelings. You and he seem to agree on that point.

You are bundling his feelings as PTSD symptoms (that he's having these feelings as a result of the dissociation, depression, etc.)

Please, ask yourself: What if he is actually just unhappy in the marriage?

I'm not saying he doesn't love you, I'm not saying that you've done anything wrong. I'm saying sometimes, when you hear hoofbeats, you should think "horses" not "zebras". People change. Marriages fail. It is a reality of life.

But by being as accepting as you are - and/or by giving yourself the excuse of PTSD - you aren't actually doing what would be most helpful. What would be most helpful would be to get immediately into mediation or counseling and start talking about these issues. Because it's very possible this is a mental health problem - but it is equally possible that this is a relationship problem.

Besides: the mental health part is something he does need to do on his own. But the marriage part is something you must do together. Yes, it's really scary to think that your partner might not really want to be in the marriage you want to be in. But wouldn't you rather try now to give it a chance? I can almost promise you, if you don't use this as an opportunity to develop ways of being completely honest with each other your marriage probably won't survive his issues, whether they are mental health, PTSD specific, or whatever.

 

[Nicolette]

I'm not blind to the fact that it could be complete BS but I'm just not ruling out PTSD as a possible cause of the feelings he's having if that was in fact his motive

I'm sorry but I've read all your posts and my opinion is you're trying very hard to come up with something to blame for your husband's cheating (sexting is cheating in my books) and you're trying to pin it on PTSD rather than face the reality that irrespective of what illness someone does or does not have, fidelidity is still a choice they make. What difference does a motive make? I've been cheated on by an ex and while I took responsibility on board as to what part I may have played in it or caused, yes a whole lot of beating myself up, I finally realised what people are saying here.... There may be a reason someone chooses to cheat however irrespective of what it is, they still chose to cheat..... End of story.

The question now is will you be honest with yourself or will you continue to search for 'reasons' to justify what I see as your husband's inexcusable behaviour as you wish to remain in the marriage? If you do want to stay @kizzy-love then that's your choice.... Please just don't come here and expect to hear what you want and label us as unsupportive when we give our honest feedback based on our own life experiences and it's not to your liking. It kind of mirrors what's going on in your marriage (based on what you've shared) in that you want to believe what you want to hear while trying to diminish the cruel reality of your husband's actions by making them something they are not.

My purpose in posting is not to hurt or upset you - it's to share what I know for you to take on board or dismiss as you choose. I hope your husband does step up but experience suggests to me that he is not the exception but the rule....and that is sad for you and your children as it never usually ends well.

 

[shimmerz]

your partner might not really want to be in the marriage

Or that he does want to be but has self sabotage issues.....that requires serious therapy.

 

[Nicolette]

. Just bc I experienced a bump on the road during my marriage it doesn't give anyone the right to talk to me in a rude manner and be disrespectful.

Ok now I've got my staff hat on - please stop this nonsense as no-one has been rude or disrespectful in spending their time to offer their opinion on your situation based on what you've shared. If you don't like a response don't take it on board or address it in an adult like manner please.

clearly my subject offended some ppl but that wasn't my intention

None of the responses I've read demonstrate anyone being offended by the subject matter. What I'm seeing is projection as you are offended that you are not receiving the responses you want... I suggest you take some time to reflect upon what others are saying rather than discounting what is here considering you're getting the same opinion in varied forms by the majority of posters. It may not be the right answer but definitely worth consideration.

 

[kizzy-love]

@joeylittle I can understand your point of view and truly respect it. I am definitely trying to find a way to accept it bc I'm not ready to give up on my marriage. My confusion was about his feelings, I couldn't see where he was coming because I do support him, love him, want him and thought I showed it well. I am taking into consideration that he may have rushed too quick into marriage and didn't really know what he was getting his elf into ...his response to that was "I need you to help me learn marriage, show me the way to a happy relationship" he has never had a family of his own not blood family or his own little family he has been on his own for as long as he can remember which is at a very young age. True I feel bad for him bc of his life events, it's pretty accurate that I'm concerned more about his feelings then mine even thought he broke the trust and it's also true that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. What's invalid is that I'm making excuses for him, there is nothing that I could have done to push him to do what he did, there is no justification for his actions whatsoever...but when ure trying to fix something you have to try and understand the cause of it... you gotta start somewhere to get a better grasp of the situation. It's better for me to consider his feeling and take them into consideration even if it's a long shot then go crazy trying to come up with my own assumptions. I do not want to portray this image that I'm just blind to the facts. Cheating is cheating no matter how it's done I'm completely with you on that. Everyone does it for a reason and I chose to take his reasons into consideration and work on it...if there are any hidden agendas or other reasons he chose not to share it will bite him in the *** eventually. My guard is up and i wont rest until i know without a shadow of a doubt that hes loyal 100%. Everything that's in the dark always comes to light and if he chooses to continue his behavior he will be alone... I'm just not ready to give up bc I don't think I gave it my all and simply trying to stay a step ahead.

 

[kizzy-love]

@Nicolette there is only 1 person that I felt was being mean and rude and that's who my comment was directed to. I came here for life experiences, opinions and support. Not to be told that he's just a horrible cheaper jerk and whatever else he was called... that is not what support groups are about. This is suppose to be comforting not abusive. Most members have made some very real and harsh suggestions but still took my feelings into consideration. I might be a supporter but I am a person who is suffering and some of you sure know how to show empathy...smh

 

[Nicolette]

@kizzy-love if you feel a post is abusive then please report it for staff consideration. I've been here a long time so please don't play me as a fool as I know what you did report, and it was not the 'jerk' comment, and please be aware we are not here to offer 'comfort' which, by definition of your own posts, would be agreeing with your thoughts and actions when one does not agree.

Everyone who has posted in this thread has given up their own time to read what you have written and respond - that in itself is a form of support. I do acknowledge this thread was getting a little heated and a staff member stepped in as they should.

Here's how it is - please use the resources on the forum and talk to members to help you gain a better understanding of PTSD and what it's about, what is usually the illness and what is not. Please however stop the rest of the nonsense of complaining about members not being empathetic or calling them abusive simply due to not receiving the responses you are after. 25 years ago I would have posted saying "I'm so sorry and that's terrible" but with a failed marriage due to cheating I now have different views which are now the opinions I express. That's life and not rude or abusive or non-empathetic.