Anyone Hate Their Therapist But Stay Anyhow?

[Justmehere]

Has anyone had negative transference towards their therapist and been able to work through it?

I'm in the thick of it, rather suddenly. I intensely dislike my therapist, feel angry towards her, but for reasons that have nothing to do with anything she has done or said. I can't really make a lot of sense of it, and I'm trying to sort out this mess. I have been very open with her about it, and she hasn't been shaken at all. She says it's ok to even hate her at times. She says its part of the process of healing from complex trauma from childhood. She said to just keep telling her and talking and don't quit yet.

I am mad at her - like mad in the way I would get mad with my extended family as a kid - and like for the same things -but she isn't really doing those things - so I'm really confused.

She owns her role in anything, I'm really not concerned about her thwrapy skills, and I think she is spot on that this is transference. I'm just scared. I want her to feel like her to me again, and not like this.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense at all...

 

[Chava]

She sounds like a very good therapist. Stick with it. I also like the idea of not quitting now because that certainly doesn't sound like good timing. But I believe it doesn't feel right. Ride it out and she will seem like "her" again or your connection will just improve in a different way. I don't get angry (not because it's a positive trait, more because maybe I can't) but I detach and feel distrusting often for little or no reason. I just blank people out at times, including my therapist...then I wonder what this is even doing for me, but I have someone there with me, hanging in through me tuning out and all this weird stuff I try to keep such tight wraps on and not play out in my daily life. It's important to stick with it and have a therapist who understands.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that if you know the reason for the transference, and you know that you could find a therapist you don't have transference issues with, then maybe switching wouldn't be a bad idea. For example, I have transference issues with female therapists, but not so much with male therapists. For this reason, I try to seek out male therapists, even though it is very much a losing battle (for a number of reasons). But, if you can't pinpoint the issue such as I have been able to do, then maybe its better to stick with this therapist and work through the issues rather than find someone else.

I'm curious as to whether others have truly been able to work through the transference, and not in a "just plow through it!" sort of way. In the past, therapists have wanted me to work through it, but never really gave me any skills to do so. Does this make sense?

 

[falling_wave]

For me I have had times of transference when I felt angry with my T for no apparent reason but it was like I loved her hated her. I had a really hard time talking about it because I felt like I would lose her. I did tell her that and we were able to figure that triggers in our conversation for fear of abandonment were the issue and we made ways that I could feel safe. I think even just seeing that the conversation was safe helped me. Try to talk about it and be open as different feelings come up bc your T could pick up on triggers for you feeling this way and address them. It sometimes takes time so don't get discouraged!

 

[honeypie058]

I had that problem today. My therapist saved my life and I am so grateful. Then he says things that trigger me and it makes so angry that I want to yell and scream at him. I do recognize that I really want to throttle the person who hurt me and not my therapist. It drives me crazy. I'm glad you are able to discuss this your therapist. I am still working on that.

 

[scout86]

They say you can't learn to deal with "relationship problems" without a relationship. Kind of makes sense that a person would need a safe place to "practice".

I might be missing part of the point. "Transference" seems to be kind of a big deal. When I've read to try to understand it, it appears to me that what it means is "Person B" somehow reminds you of "Person A" (or situation A) and you experience the feelings you had the first time around, directed at the second person, whether it's accurate or not. And, we do it often, not just in therapy. Those feeling from your childhood sound like they need to be worked though and it sounds like a situation has developed where you have the opportunity. She sounds perfect, because you also like her and trust her and can talk all this through with her. (Not saying it's going to be easy!)

I might be going through a different version of the same thing. I seem to be dreading my appointments a lot like I'd dread dealing with my mom when I was a kid. Like I'm sure I've done something "wrong" but have no idea what it is or what's going to happen. And yet, he's TOLD me I worry too much about "wrong" and is nothing like my mom. Weird! But, I've always dealt with this kind of thing by avoiding it in the past. I know how THAT works. This time maybe I'll experiment and see what happens if I DON'T disappear.

Good luck with this!

 

[Justmehere]

Some therapists really think transference is an awful thing and to be avoided at all costs. I think it is because they get scared of their own possible counter-transference. My therapist teaches about transference in trauma therapy. She is of the school of thought that it happens all the time, transference is inevitable in trauma therapy, and working with it is a crucial part of the process of healing from trauma. I was able to watch a video of one of her colleagues in her practice teaching about it before I started therapy with her.

My own trauma as a child was at the hands of family members who were helping professionals. One of my abusers as a kid was my uncle and my pediatrician. He was also one of people in my family who told me to stop making my abusive father mad or my father would keep hurting me and my mother's depression would never get better... My uncle abused me and bandaged the wounds from my abusive father as my doctor.

There's more than just that example, but maybe that sort of explains the gist of why I can really struggle with helping professionals now.

I had a therapist in the past who suddenly, mid-session, tell me "you have too much negative transference, and I can't be your therapist anymore." I didn't even know what negative transference was, or how it was happening. Since then, I have learned more about it and I have been able to do a lot of work on trusting people, coping on my own, not trying to read others minds, and etc. If I started to feel really negative towards a helping professional, I have usually just quit or occasionally acted out and they quit. With therapists, I never really dealt with it and why it was coming up. We never really dealt with processing trauma, just coping skills for life now.

I have been working with the trauma therapist that I am seeing now for about a year. We have been really working on processing trauma. I haven't had any significant transference with her, until now. But I've also never dealt with the trauma from childhood until now.

Every time she so much as mildly suggests something, anything at all, to me, I want to yell at her, "I don't want to make others happy. That's stupid and impossible and I hate you." She isn't even suggesting anything that is about making anyone else happy... So it feels really crazy. I just hate that she is a helping person. It's like I hate her for even being a therapist. I don't want her to be anything different. It's really confusing.

Ride it out and she will seem like "her" again or your connection will just improve in a different way.

Thanks for this encouragement. I'm glad you have someone who can ride it out with you too.

I think that if you know the reason for the transference, and you know that you could find a therapist you don't have transference issues with, then maybe switching wouldn't be a bad idea.

I think if the reason was more isolated, I would totally do this. I already do, to some degree. I am the exact opposite from you on gender - I have a harder time with male therapists than female ones. So I have a female therapist now... and yet now I hate all therapists of any kind.

My therapist appropriately brought up that someone from vic comp called her to confirm an amount I paid her. I was suddenly said, "I gave them the receipt, why are they now invading everything? They know my boundaries on this and it never matters!" I stopped myself from the rant that was building.
My therapist said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring up another "helper" who was being pushy and triggering you..."

I'm curious as to whether others have truly been able to work through the transference, and not in a "just plow through it!" sort of way. In the past, therapists have wanted me to work through it, but never really gave me any skills to do so. Does this make sense?

This does! My therapist talked a lot before this ever happened about how to get the transference to shift back, but I still don't get it. So much of it feels like, "just hang on through it."

She says it helps to realize it, figure out the connection, and if it is from trauma, to actually experience the therapist not being like the abuser. Its a way to re-write the implict memory that is driving the transference. My therapist told me that she used to hate her own therapist at times, even flipped her therapist off. She said that her therapist still liked her, was still safe, still never hurt her. And it was very confusing. Until it wasn't. Then she told me to not think too hard about it.

Uh, right.

@honeypie058 - I'm sorry you struggle with this too. It is so tough. My therapist has done a lot to invite me to talk to her if I ever got to the point of being mad at her. I hope you find the courage to talk to your therapist about it too. :hug:

I might be going through a different version of the same thing. I seem to be dreading my appointments a lot like I'd dread dealing with my mom when I was a kid. Like I'm sure I've done something "wrong" but have no idea what it is or what's going to happen. And yet, he's TOLD me I worry too much about "wrong" and is nothing like my mom. Weird!

This feels is familiar to me - not he specifics per se, but overall pattern. It is a weird experience! It helps to know I'm not alone in this...

But, I've always dealt with this kind of thing by avoiding it in the past. I know how THAT works. This time maybe I'll experiment and see what happens if I DON'T disappear.

Good experiment! I hope we both end up with good outcomes... maybe we will at least see what happens if we do hang on through it...

This is so hard...

 

[scout86]

This is so hard...

Yep, sure is! I have to leave for my next session in about an hour. I'm playing with "101 reasons not to go". :confused:

Something my T keeps repeating is the need to operate using the most up to date, accurate information possible. Which seems to mean, right now, recognizing that what I'm "feeling" is "real" enough, but based on out dated information. There are reasons why the present situation reminds me of past ones, but NOW is not THEN.

"I don't want to make others happy. That's stupid and impossible and I hate you."

I think I would have like the little kid that never got to yell that at the people who actually deserved it. Or, maybe she DID say it and paid the price. Either way, she was right.

 

[darrenS]

to be at that point in therapy is a very good thing , it shows certainly that your on the right track - keep the good work up

 

[Justmehere]

I have to leave for my next session in about an hour. I'm playing with "101 reasons not to go". :confused:

Oh, I hate all those reasons! Don't forget two reasons to go: it is worth it and you can do this! :hug:

My therapist tells me to try to remember that "all these issues are going to come up in your life one way or another, might as well bring them up in therapy where it is most likely to be safe." So she says. :cautious:

I think I would have like the little kid that never got to yell that at the people who actually deserved it. Or, maybe she DID say it and paid the price. Either way, she was right.

That is one of the kindest things someone has ever said to me, ever. Thank you deeply. :D

 

[xka]

Try to pinpoint why you don't like her. Are you angry because she is bringing out hard-to-deal-with truths and this is just a natural process of your emotions? Stick with her.

Are are you angry at her because she is a poor listener, subtly devalues you experiences and opinions, and constantly forgets key information about you? Dump this one asap and find another.

There are many bad therapists. If she's a good one, see how you feel in 2 months. If you're still annoyed with her, maybe look into a new therapist, because all in all, sometimes it's not about someone being a good or bad, it's about being a good fit. Kind of how there are many good people in the world, but you will only "click" with a few who will end up being your best friends. A good fit is CRUCIAL for recovery. Just be patient and be sure* if you do decide to change therapists.

 

[Justmehere]

@darrenS - thanks for the encouragement! :)

@xka - good advice, thanks.

Odd thing is, even though I hate her right now, I already know I couldn't stand another therapist now either. I can't think of anything that she is doing to contribute to me feeling this way. I can't think of anything I want her to do differently.

When I was a kid, I mostly was compliant, until I wasn't. Then I would yell and scream and say stop, this isn't fair, I can't make you happy... all the things I want to yell at her now. I didn't yell, but I did unleash in a written format. Which she told me was more than ok.

I'm scared. I'm scared I will yell. I told her so. She says it isn't good to do, but if it happens it happens, and we will work through it. I don't know the path through this. I don't know of any therapist who would be any better...