ED Uncovered feelings causing anorexia lapse. panicking.

[Chava]

Keep us posted. Sounds like you're staying positive through a really tough transition. I've been in halfway house situations and felt pretty safe there. That's maybe not exactly like what you are describing but I hope the housing thing works out in the best way for you.

 

[Polly_pocket]

I am glad I'm seeing my therapist today because so many things are sliding. Having very strange thoughts. I am very triggered by other people's bodies so I have deleted everyone from treatment off my facebook- but I found a girls twitter and I've wasted so much time going through her pictures of her getting smaller and smaller :(

I'm so stupid, why am I deliberately triggering myself?! I need to hold on to the fact that I want to be able to live alone but I won't be allowed if I am lapsing. I was supposed to have written a therapeutic letter to my abuser (not to be sent) by today's session but I haven't it's too hard.

I don't even know what the point of this post is. It feels like my two selves are at war.

 

[Chava]

I'm so stupid, why am I deliberately triggering myself?! I need to hold on to the fact that I want to be able to live alone but I won't be allowed if I am lapsing. I was supposed to have written a therapeutic letter to my abuser (not to be sent) by today's session but I haven't it's too hard.

You're not stupid. I know very often my eating disorder was like a container that simplified my life down to one or two things. Obsessing about weight distracted me from everything else I couldn't manage or control. Also lots of other reasons. Don't beat yourself up but look for fast ways out, or new distractions, when you are sliding into old patterns...it's too easy to do.

I don't totally understand writing a letter to your abuser right after leaving treatment. Good for you just admitting it's too hard right now and hopefully you can tell your therapist that too.

 

[Polly_pocket]

Thank you Chava.
I think you're right...I've used food in order to escape the feelings brought about by dealing with the trauma that has been buried so long. I haven't thought about my trauma at all this week, I've just been obsessing about my body.

I don't understand my therapists reasoning either. She is very experienced and good at her job but I think I am so good at masking my feelings and how I'm coping she doesn't realise how things affect me.

This weeks session went terribly, my blood sugar was so low I couldn't focus and felt so attacked by her. She seemed pretty frustrated by the end because everything she was suggesting I was shutting down. I have sent her an email since to explain some stuff so hopefully there will be a way forward.

 

[Chava]

I don't understand my therapists reasoning either. She is very experienced and good at her job but I think I am so good at masking my feelings and how I'm coping she doesn't realise how things affect me.

Ooh, this would be really good to bring up with your therapist. I think good therapists are pretty talented at noticing when we are hiding our level of pain or struggle, but I relate to being like a high-level professional in masking my distress. Sometimes I think I am like screaming, "HELP ME!!! I WANT TO DESTROY MYSELF!!!" but what I'm really saying is something like, "I'm stressed out, but it's okay...". I've had a very hard time accessing emotions because I haven't known how to handle them. Also I have a very hard time asking for help. Maybe you can write down some of the thoughts and concerns you have now, find some ways to verbalize your level of struggle or stress, and bring notes to share with your therapist? It sounds like you both need to find a way to understand where you are at right now. A big challenge for me is verbalizing what I'm experiencing and not just shutting down. Maybe you can talk about grounding, safety, ways to not shut down? Starving allows for shutdown, that's for sure, so eliminate what is overwhelming you.

I don't know you and I'm not your doctor but it sounds like taking good care of your body is #1 right now...the other stuff could be sorted out a ways down the road maybe? How can your therapist support you now? If you have any ideas, please share those with her. Don't allow yourself to shut down but ask her to help you, even if it means writing everything out in case you're afraid of shutting down in session. You deserve to take good care of yourself and you deserve help because that is a struggle right now.

 

[Polly_pocket]

Thank you

Technically I'm not supposed to email her and she said she would never ever email back but she made an exception and emailed to thank me for the message and that it was very helpful and we're going to talk about stuff next session. Eek.

I know getting myself back on track with the ed is a priority but I am actually in perfect health and a healthy weight according to doctors and charts and blood results etc. obviously that won't continue if things continue to slide although my body has been remarkably resilient through my decade long illness. I think ed is a smoke screen so I don't like wasting time talking about it. I'd rather sort it myself. I only have 19 sessions of therapy and it won't be extended. This is the nhs as it now is. After the length of time I've spent in day treatment I can't complain.

My panic is that my ed therapist is also doing my trauma therapy so I'm trying to fix everything at once which is hard. I don't want to be distracted with ed I want to fix the trauma. Unfortunately ed is my go to when distressed in any way. So both swing about and affect each other.

 

[Chava]

I don't want to be distracted with ed I want to fix the trauma.

I really understand that. Easier said than done though perhaps, but try to be patient. I wanted to fix my trauma really quick so I could stop suffering and just go on with a better life. It's a process. So it's really important to keep working on skills of grounding and taking good care of yourself as you go.

 

[Justmehere]

Maybe instead of seeing dealing with the ED as a distraction, see it as part of the process. Taking good care of your good health will help you have the fuel and strength to work through the trauma. By eating well, it breaks the bond to the trauma messages that may be a part of your ED. If ED is your escape from feelings about the trauma, instead try to focus on positive ways to embrace your feelings as a part of the process of healing from the trauma. Of course this is so easy to say, so hard to do. I am a ED sufferer too. It does get better. You have already done so much hard work. Keep up the good work and be as kind to you as possible. :hug: