Childhood Learning To Accept That I Don't Like My Mother.

[ghotiff]

I have such powerful feelings about how I have to be loyal to my family that expressing or even thinking anything else about them is very very hard.

I appreciate you sharing this. Starting this thread was very scary, but it has been really helpful.

 

[jaccat]

I'm trying to deal with this at the moment. My mum's been dead for years. I've no issue at feeling anger with my father, who I don't blame at all for what happened, but mum? No way. I can get angry at her on behalf of my brothers, but when I think about what she did to me that anger flips right round and aims at me instead.

 

[ghotiff]

that anger flips right round and aims at me instead.

Do you have any insights on how to stop this? I don't feel anger towards myself (that I know of) but intense guilt. I don't know how to shift it. This thread is helping, but I will need to learn how to do this myself.

 

[jaccat]

It's hard to recognise when I'm doing it. Anger was pretty much the default response to everything in my house. I've known for years where other people get upset, for instance, I get angry. Sad? No, just angry. I know there's other stuff going on underneath, but when I try and get a grip on it it just slides away. I'm trying to change that, recognising my feelings, working with my therapist to access them, but so far not much success.

 

[Ellabella44]

no insights but add my mom to the club... wow alot of things brought up in talking about all of your mothers were my experience as well. I am still working through not liking my mother as well. In addition, she sought approval from her own mother, who never gave it to her. And instead of realizing she didnt like the way her mother treated her, ended up giving me the same treatment. And one major thing I did(one of my traumas), she acted like it was done to her instead.

She now wants a relationship with me. And I find that impossible because I am dealing with my symptoms.
I feel like I will never be free of her until she dies. I have gone non contact and still feel this way.

Society would say thats bad to think. But given that emotional abuse from her went on this long ( im 44)
Physically she would take our fathers abuse out on me if i was bad.

I'm trying to take situations that were beyond my control and deal with them. I can not change her, or her actions, nor can I accept them.

I think forgiving yourself for these situations and being unable to do anything about them can help towards getting rid of the guilt.

 

[Eleanor]

I fear being that clueless about myself .. It really scares me.

Ditto.:nailbiting: It is the 'unknown unknowns' that totally freak me out.

I always knew it was my problem and I had to manage it myself.

"keep yourself safe" - it was all up to me to manage it and hide it and never let anyone see that I was suffering.

Yes and yes. My dad, when I went off to boarding school half way around the world at 15 said "Don't get yourself into anything you can't get yourself out of." It was well intentioned - AND totally unhelpful. I did get myself into stuff, and I did get myself out. And I felt horrible. And I knew, for 100% sure that I was On My Own. No "soft place to land."

I called them after. (standing outside in the snow in a phone booth in my slippers in the middle of the night) My mom cried. They made comforting noises when I cried. They didn't DO anything. Offer anything.

I realize, now that I have my own daughters just how... wrong... this was. I would be on a plane so fast everyone's head would spin. I would be In The Cockpit telling the pilots to fly faster (if that is even possible.) I'd have my girl in therapy. SOMETHING. Not just, "there there..." and never talk about it again. I'm pretty sure they don't remember. What do they DO with all this crap? Maybe I don't want to know.

I want to say so much, but I'm nauseous and very dissociated trying to go there.

(((((((((@sun seeker )))))))))

Maybe not helpful, but... my T says throwing up can be very ... emotionally cleansing in a yucky sort of way. So long as you don't MAKE yourself throw up - but just do something (like write the forbidden) and THEN throw up.

 

[Eleanor]

I've known for years where other people get upset, for instance, I get angry. Sad? No, just angry.

This was my H. He is a lot better now. It was a hard road. I don't really know what tipped the balance, a bunch of things probably. I did a bunch of really really HARD non-violent communication with him when he was angry. "You are not listening to me!" was his constant refrain, the burden did ease some when I did. I wish it hadn't been me who did, but... that's a different story. Then he tried to NOT express anger, (not so helpful seeming at the time, but who knows?) Then he learned to say exactly what ticked him off in the present in real time (VASTLY helps decrease the ambient anger level.) We realized that an awful lot of what was "driving" his anger expression was actually PANIC - he SEEMED and ACTED angry when he was needing connection and terrified of abandonment. How screwed up is that? Classic "I need you! I need you! Get the hell away from me!" Then he got "permission" to be angry - he got clear that he didn't have to JUSTIFY being angry. And the epiphany was he could then choose to continue to be angry, or to try to fix the problem. He actually moved out. Those are the things that stand out to me...

Oh and we (unintentionally) did a lot of "psycho-drama" re-enactments of his traumas.

When we met he didn't do negative emotional expression other than anger. He turned every negative emotion into anger. He has A LOT more range now.

 

[sun seeker]

I called them after. (standing outside in the snow in a phone booth in my slippers in the middle of the night) My mom cried. They made comforting noises when I cried. They didn't DO anything. Offer anything.

This much I will respond to because I can so relate. I don't know what had happened to you, but I can imagine it was bad. And what do you do with being ignored when you have that kind of need?

When I was 16 was the first time I felt seriously suicidal. A neighbour took me to a mental health worker, who brushed me off and sent me home with no followup. Then I told my parents, who nodded politely as if I'd been talking about the weather, then went on with their day. It was never brought up again. No one tried to help, made a plan, or asked how I was the next day or the next. That void of what I now see they were supposed to do and didn't is more painful than some of the things they DID do. And as you say, it's hard to know how or even whether they think about that. I've asked my mother and she said "well what did you want me to do?" It's crazy-making stuff.

Thank you for your support.

 

[Eleanor]

What did I DO with it? Why, what everyone in my family does with such things. I disappeared it. *Poof* gone.

I suppose I cried a bunch. I mean to say I cried A LOT at that period of my life. I would go off by myself outside and cry. I don't recall ever being aware that it was ABOUT anything.

In retrospect it is all so terribly terribly sad.

I've never had the courage (I suppose) to ask my mother about it. I am sure it would just be more of the same. So I talk to my T instead. And she is doing the mother job for me now.

I do take comfort in the fact that I think we are the generation that changes this stuff. We will be the generation that got better. My adopted granddaughter, after her mother died was living with her (adopted) dad - whose parenting skills are severely limited. They were living on a military base in Europe, and one day she (in fourth grade) complained to her friend that she "was tired of getting hit." (His idea of discipline was tell her what to do about ten times then get frustrated and dope-slap her upside the back of the head. Not particularly painful but...) The friend, being a well raised little girl, told an adult - her mom - and the adult reported it to the MP's. Who investigated and scared the bejesus out of the adopted dad, who then shipped off the girl to my daughter and son in law (who are AWESOME parents) to raise. Dad is a schmuck and a total loser. Girl is happy and ... well, I might be a teensy bit biased but... the greatest kid EVER, and doing super. His loss.

Things are different now. Not perfect. Not even particularly good. But better. Most definitely better.

 

[ghotiff]

nodded politely as if I'd been talking about the weather, then went on with their day

Different, but similar. When I was 15 I witnessed a suicide where a young man jumped in front of the oncoming train. Ambulances and police arrived and the police decided that they should drive me home (not a small task as it was a over half an hour away). When they took me to my front door my mothers reaction was carefully masked anger "what has she done now" type anger (note that I was a good child who didn't do typical teenage stuff). After the police left, there was a conversation about how I had scared my mother...but nothing about me and what I saw...and of course it was never mentioned again.

It is the 'unknown unknowns' that totally freak me out.

I never thought anything of the above story until very recently. I never saw it as anything other than totally normal. :banghead:

 

[ghotiff]

I've asked my mother and she said "well what did you want me to do?" It's crazy-making stuff.

This is what I expect from my mother if I ever raised anything, and coupled with her accusation of me being unfair to her by raising it.

 

[Nam]

@ghotiff I have instances very similar but not in the same magnitude as this. I'm sure we can all remember numerous occasions where grace would have been welcomed and instead we were served a heaping helping of scorn. I had injuries that were ignored....and if they couldn't be ignored (broken bones), she would act as if I was so bothersome to go to the hospital. Buuut...if the incident happened near people she wanted keep a reputation, she'd be so kind! But, once in the car, all kindness gone.

As a mother now, I understand both sides of it. I understand that my mother just could not handle the additional stress of having someone in her care not be perfect and expecting more out of her as a mother. She just didn't have it in her. But I also understand the child aspect of it. Kids need comfort in times of stress. Who do we go to if our own mother doesn't respond? Or if she does, but responds with disgust? Then what?

Every child deserves someone in their corner. It seems science backs this up. It only takes one caring individual to cast away many of these symptoms that carry on into adulthood. Just one person. A sitter, nanny, aunt, teacher or relative. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Sad that we all didn't have that connection with someone....or hopeful that all it takes is one person.....

I hope that you explore these feelings that you have for your mother. As you process them, be angry. It was an injustice to you. She should have been more caring. And once the anger is gone, and only sadness is left, take care of your self and the child self that was abandoned. In caring for the child, you just might solidify your self.

I'm going through this currently. It's a pull and tug kind of game. New memories that I've forgotten come up. As an adult now, I see the injustice, where as a child I just couldn't articulate enough to argue. So I process each one. When I think of what they should have done, the more I know where I stand currently as a person. I know what my beliefs are and what I want to accomplish. As I learn more about myself, I am becoming a better mother; more open, more available; more empathy. With time and more processing, I hope that the ache will be gone and the emptiness filled with whatever I want to fill it with. The whole me, the way I want to be.