ladee
VIP Member
Since I am a daughter and a mother, I hope this helps both of us. A lot of feelings came up reading your first post.
I can only say from my personal point of view, my son does NOT have to forgive me. My hope for him, is that he comes to some healing FOR HIMSELF. But forgiveness is not in the picture. I am working on forgiving myself. And that is enough for me.
In regard to her always negating any feeling you have besides 'happy happy!', it was my son who did this to me. My understanding of the 'why', may or may not fit with your mom.
He did not want me to have any feelings that made HIM uncomfortable. Possibly it was flashbacks for him, can only speculate on that one. So, maybe you can be aware next time she is telling you not to be anything other than what fits in her comfort zone. I don't know what you know of your moms history, but it may help. Not in the sense you twist yourself to her bending, but for awareness. And there is freedom in seeing that you are not responsible for how she deals with her own history. It eases the guilt, it allows you to not put yourself thru the wringer anytime you have a feeling she tries to change or ignore.
My mom, I ended up being very enmeshed with my mom, as I 'took care of her' more than she ever did me. I was the 'adult', the marriage counselor, the shoulder she cried on. And it started when I was very young, around 6 or 7 years old. And even at that age, I knew I could not go to her about the old man abusing me. So, I just had to grow up really fast in order to survive.
I look back and see my self always trying to 'fix' my son. Sometimes he just needed to tell me how he was feeling,and I would , in my mind at the time,not try to change his feelings, but to 'help' him understand why he was feeling that way. He just needed to be who he was, feeling his feelings, and not have me trying to fix it.
I have been reading you all along, and do see how hard you have worked on your life. Mom is a part of that work. And it has to be hard, making choices for your future, and not wanting to 'abandon' your mom. Which , when you do leave, you are NOT abandoning her, you are doing what healthy young women do, they get on with THEIR own life. That's healthy and normal.
It is exhausting to have to keep putting the boundaries up. Because it makes us feel not heard, or dismissed, like what we need, once again, does not matter.
If you have the stamina to keep walking away, and start to look at your feelings and reactions to walking away, that will be a major part in your own healing in regard to your mom.
It sounds like you are the Mom here most of the time. But not getting to have your own feelings , at any given time, for any reason, is a double bind.
I don't see you trying to 'change' her. And that is some awesome awareness on your part. You just want to know how to live with her until you are out on your own. I hope the talk with you T brings a more clear understanding for both of you.And there is not such thing as a perfect anything.
And I feel I am trying to condense what I'm trying to say into small paragraphs, so will stop now.If you want, ask questions, I will try not to overwhelm with words and get to the point..
Hope the conversation with your T helps things to be more clear for you. And you do get to tell your T, that 'forgiveness' is off the table, lets move on.
Just that word, by itself, has so many meanings and nuances to it. But 'indifference' is good too. The sister that just died, I will never forgive her, but I am getting to the place of indifference...That works for me.
Proud of you for trying to find your way on this twisty dark road of your relationship with your mom. And the only answers that are good ones, are the ones you find for yourself. That helps you to have a better quality of life.
ETA: Ooops we cross posted... never mind.. lol..sounds like you have some great new awareness and will make progress from here. love ya
I can only say from my personal point of view, my son does NOT have to forgive me. My hope for him, is that he comes to some healing FOR HIMSELF. But forgiveness is not in the picture. I am working on forgiving myself. And that is enough for me.
In regard to her always negating any feeling you have besides 'happy happy!', it was my son who did this to me. My understanding of the 'why', may or may not fit with your mom.
He did not want me to have any feelings that made HIM uncomfortable. Possibly it was flashbacks for him, can only speculate on that one. So, maybe you can be aware next time she is telling you not to be anything other than what fits in her comfort zone. I don't know what you know of your moms history, but it may help. Not in the sense you twist yourself to her bending, but for awareness. And there is freedom in seeing that you are not responsible for how she deals with her own history. It eases the guilt, it allows you to not put yourself thru the wringer anytime you have a feeling she tries to change or ignore.
My mom, I ended up being very enmeshed with my mom, as I 'took care of her' more than she ever did me. I was the 'adult', the marriage counselor, the shoulder she cried on. And it started when I was very young, around 6 or 7 years old. And even at that age, I knew I could not go to her about the old man abusing me. So, I just had to grow up really fast in order to survive.
I look back and see my self always trying to 'fix' my son. Sometimes he just needed to tell me how he was feeling,and I would , in my mind at the time,not try to change his feelings, but to 'help' him understand why he was feeling that way. He just needed to be who he was, feeling his feelings, and not have me trying to fix it.
I have been reading you all along, and do see how hard you have worked on your life. Mom is a part of that work. And it has to be hard, making choices for your future, and not wanting to 'abandon' your mom. Which , when you do leave, you are NOT abandoning her, you are doing what healthy young women do, they get on with THEIR own life. That's healthy and normal.
It is exhausting to have to keep putting the boundaries up. Because it makes us feel not heard, or dismissed, like what we need, once again, does not matter.
If you have the stamina to keep walking away, and start to look at your feelings and reactions to walking away, that will be a major part in your own healing in regard to your mom.
It sounds like you are the Mom here most of the time. But not getting to have your own feelings , at any given time, for any reason, is a double bind.
I don't see you trying to 'change' her. And that is some awesome awareness on your part. You just want to know how to live with her until you are out on your own. I hope the talk with you T brings a more clear understanding for both of you.And there is not such thing as a perfect anything.
And I feel I am trying to condense what I'm trying to say into small paragraphs, so will stop now.If you want, ask questions, I will try not to overwhelm with words and get to the point..
Hope the conversation with your T helps things to be more clear for you. And you do get to tell your T, that 'forgiveness' is off the table, lets move on.
Just that word, by itself, has so many meanings and nuances to it. But 'indifference' is good too. The sister that just died, I will never forgive her, but I am getting to the place of indifference...That works for me.
Proud of you for trying to find your way on this twisty dark road of your relationship with your mom. And the only answers that are good ones, are the ones you find for yourself. That helps you to have a better quality of life.
ETA: Ooops we cross posted... never mind.. lol..sounds like you have some great new awareness and will make progress from here. love ya
