Dissociation, Integration & Presence?

[Hope4Now]

I think parts of me are integrating over the last month or so. I am able to be in my body somewhat, more frequently. And able to communicate with my parts with more compassion sometimes. BUT...I seem to be becoming HUGELY more sensitive and reactive to any sort of stress. Has this happened to anyone else?

Here's an example: One of my childhood traumas was having oral surgery without anesthesia. I have always been phobic of dentists, and always known why. I go anyway though. A couple of weeks ago, I was a wreck having my teeth cleaned and fought hard and somewhat successfully to stay present. I was exhausted for several days afterward. Today, I had to have a broken tooth repaired. The novacain didn't work enough and it really, really hurt--I cried out and was shaking. The dentist was nice but firmly said, "Don't move!" as he kept drilling. I get this...totally understand. I felt badly for him because I think he felt badly that he hurt me. I managed to be still for the short bit of drilling etc. I think I used to be very good at that--being still--a survival technique and sort of shutdown. But the moment he stopped and said he was all done, I came back and started shaking uncontrollably. I am home now but still a mess of shivering and quivering.

I am trying to just let my body shake a la Peter Levine's animal trauma recovery. But this has brought up all sorts of other "stuff" from all kinds of childhood times...so much trapped in my body.

Has anyone else found that as you get less dissociated you get more sensitive? Or is that just a stupidly obvious question, like "Well, duh, Hope!" ? How do you manage it?

 

[shimmerz]

Has anyone else found that as you get less dissociated you get more sensitive?

Yes, absolutely. It is all about feeling and releasing rather than holding as we do with dissociation. Feeling is something that we so don't trust, isn't it? It makes sense that when we finally do, the body reactions are going to be huge. There is a ton stored up in there.

The good thing is that you are releasing. The disturbing thing is that your body is understanding now that releasing is safe and may do it more frequently. I think there is still that 'hangover' element of 'I shouldn't be allowing my body to do this'. On top of that, we are grown adults (or some might think), and it seems inappropriate for an adult to react so. I say screw 'em. Don't worry about what others think, do exactly what you are doing (self soothing) and allow yourself to release whatever you need to. It won't be like this always.....and the more you release the more room there is inside for the appreciation of the 'here and now moments'. Smell some flowers, stop and watch the birds, retrain yourself to take in the beauty that surrounds you. :hug::hug::hug:

 

[Nam]

That dentist appointment would be traumatizing for anyone.

@shimmerz just posted exactly what I was thinking. Sounds to me that this sensitivity is the product of releasing all that is trapped in there. I can't think of a good analogy....maybe how it feels to get a cast taken off? Or a splint? It'll be sore, it will feel different, you might have to be more gentle for a while, but it's still progress.

 

[sun seeker]

Ouch.

Good job taking care of yourself with the shaking. That you were able to think to do that while triggered is a very good sign of your parts working together. Awesome job, even though it may not feel like it right now.

Has anyone else found that as you get less dissociated you get more sensitive?

I hadn't thought about it this way, but now you mention it... lately I am becoming more present, which is good on the one hand, but the way the negative side plays out for me is that I am awake all hours of the night. Presence is stimulating. I hadn't realized this could be a reason until just now when you asked. I'm not sure that's exactly the same thing you are experiencing, but perhaps related? Having gotten all of three hours' sleep last night, I'm afraid I don't have the answer for you yet.

Could you use some kind of sedation at the dentist? It sounds absolutely awful for you.

 

[Chava]

I am able to be in my body somewhat, more frequently. And able to communicate with my parts with more compassion sometimes. BUT...I seem to be becoming HUGELY more sensitive and reactive to any sort of stress. Has this happened to anyone else?

Just YES. I used to be numb all the time. Or, if I had to describe it, my self existed a few inches outside of my body (seriously, like I could pinpoint it). My whole struggle is how to be embodied and not overwhelmed.

Anyway, I've done a whole lot of hiding out in dim lights and quiet in the last few years. That seems like a long time. But I've been undoing a lifetime of not really feeling my stress. Then it suddenly became too much to tune out the internal sensations and the external ones. I'm in an incubator of sorts and I hope I can get back to the world beyond this, but it does seem like a process that has taken a good amount of time...for me that's fine, because I feel mostly like "me" versus more lost (though I've had days like those). I'm very protective of this emerging version of myself...I feel like a baby trying to sort out the world all over again sometimes.

I manage by crawling into my protective but non-dissociated shell and doing artwork. Like I have to physically remove myself from situations because I do not have the strong bubble I used to have. I find it's even harder to look people in the eyes. I think I'm just feeling stuff in a more real way, and I have to take it in carefully. It's creepy. I hope I'm not on the wrong track. It's depressing, but I do feel more "real" and more like I am living in my body. I'm just so super protective. But I can say the hyper-sensitivity has improved (less panic attacks and meltdowns and I can handle more stress).

 

[Hope4Now]

I used to be numb all the time. Or, if I had to describe it, my self existed a few inches outside of my body (seriously, like I could pinpoint it). My whole struggle is how to be embodied and not overwhelmed.

Ditto.
Thanks for your post...Really helpful. I'm feeling so many of the same things.

to get a cast taken off? Or a splint? It'll be sore, it will feel different, you might have to be more gentle for a while, but it's still progress.

Great analogy. Thank you. I've had enough broken bones to appreciate what you're saying here!

Could you use some kind of sedation at the dentist?

Yes, if I have to have more work done in the future, I'll consider asking for this. I did notice today that part of the problem may have been that he rushed me a bit...the novacain was in full force about an hour AFTER I left the dentist. Maybe the phobia slows down the anesthetic effects. Had a similar issue when I had my first colonoscopy a few months back.

The disturbing thing is that your body is understanding now that releasing is safe and may do it more frequently. I think there is still that 'hangover' element of 'I shouldn't be allowing my body to do this'. On top of that, we are grown adults (or some might think), and it seems inappropriate for an adult to react so.

YES, you're right!

I say screw 'em. Don't worry about what others think, do exactly what you are doing (self soothing) and allow yourself to release whatever you need to.

I like your attitude! Thanks. I'm working on that. I wasn't hideously embarrassed at the dentist's today even though they were all sort of staring at me as I left (some were super nice, but I was self-conscious...not humiliated).

 

[shimmerz]

Not humiliated. What a victory in that! Inner critic is losing its grip! Yeah you!

 

[Recovery4Me]

How do you manage it?

I try to not let it manage me.:clown: Sometimes I win, sometimes I shake. But always I still am...
So the trick for me is to engage a show host dialog instead of my inner critic until I make myself laugh...so I balance.

For instance, last time I went to the dentist (free clinic) :banghead: it was for abscess molar and the pain medicine did not seem to be taking hold. I'm telling them proudly,"Oh, it's ok. I gave birth naturally."

Lawdy, did I let out a scream and they even wanted me to look out the tooth.:spitdummy: I just visualized all the westerns, where the cowboy swaggers out holding his jaw and made up a script as I staggered out actually holding my jaw (cause it freaking hurt).:clown: I made comments in my mind about - where is my chaps...dentist still has my boots! God, I wish I had a red bandana (until I got home). Finally, I cheered up with some stashed pain meds and wa-la.

Just 'cause one trigger happens, doesn't mean I need to unload the whole gun of my past, right? New pain does not always equal old trauma dredged up...even if it seems similar. Focus current...not past. How do I know? Because, I am making jokes now to calm my inner child's fear with laughter & play therapy. There were no jokes nor play...happening at those times, back then.

Anywho...sorry you hurt.:( :hug::hug: