Healing through self-compassion

[Saria]

Hi everyone,

Increasing self-compassion has been one of the most helpful things I’ve worked with in trying to cope with trauma, so I wanted to share this with you in hope that it can be of use for someone else as well.

I struggle with a lot of self-hatred and self-blame, which I know a lot of you do too, and self-compassion exercises specifically targets this with the goal of being able to treat yourself as you would treat a good friend. Kristin Neff is one of the leading researchers on the subject, and on her website she have uploaded a bunch of exercises which I can highly recommend to anyone with a tendency to be self-critical or judge themselves harshly. Unfortunately, I'm not able to post a link but you can find it by googling "self-compassion exercises".

I was emotionally abused by my parents as a child and have never been comforted, so needless to say, my coping strategies have been virtually non-existent (if you don’t count the self-hate, depersonalization and dissociation, that is…). But i really do feel that the self-compassion exercises has given me a tool to deal with this, and I hope it can be helpful for some of you too. I’m not saying it’s a miracle cure that fixes everything, and I still struggle A LOT with all kinds of symptoms, but at least I think it can be a step in the right direction of believing we are worthy of love. As Neff puts it: “Love, connection and acceptance are your birthright”

Typically....my inner critic is now telling me that my post is too long and that everyone will get annoyed at me for believing I’m worthy to say anything at all (which is why I almost never dare to post anything), so I obviously have a long way to go regarding self-compassion... but it’s a start, I guess.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you are kind to yourself tonight :)

 

[Senecia]

Thank you. Just the other day one of my friends tried to kill himself. I hadnt talked to him in a long time and my reaction to it was probably one that he wouldnt expect. I was probably the last person on his mind, but I'm over here typing a letter to him to tell him I'm there for him and we should meet up when he's out of thw hospital. I joked that I hope the hospital isnt giving him crappy snacks and something he actually enjoys or has enjoyed in the past, lol.

I guess my point is that, it made me look at myself. Had I ever attempted suicide, the same thing would have happened to me - i know it would. Because he didnt see that coming and neither would I. Just a thought. To know we're loved and we just have to try to love ourselves...

 

[seedling]

This approach seems to work well for me, too It also reminds me to treat others with compassion. When I'm hard on myself I tend come acorss as hard on others, even if I'm not meaning to.
I will google this. I didn't know there were exercises of this kind to practice. Thanks.

 

[Dana1010]

I have no idea how to be nice to myself. In my mind you either deserve it or you don't, and I don't. Smart enough? Fail. Pretty enough? Fail. Come from respected family? Fail. Went to the right school? Fail. Have the right job? Fail. Admitted to selective in group of classy friends? Fail. Have dashing, handsome boyfriend? Fail. No one wants me. I don't know how I'm supposed to override the assessments of all those people and decide I'm good enough despite all evidence--sounds like madness almost.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

First off, Ivory - I rejoice that you have found self compassion - It really is a great way to begin to untie the knots and heal. Your life sounds a lot like mine. As a matter of fact it was self compassion that kept me from killing myself when I was 14. And like you, I am not healed completely, but I can use this tool acknowledging the good parts about me. Keep going -

Hey Dana - I hear you. I can see how you feel that there is nothing about you that is good enough. I had the same problem and had check marks on all the same issues that you do. And I felt terrible about myself. But then I realized that I was giving the power to everyone else. What I noticed about your list is what I noticed about mine - all the criteria you use to judge whether your deserve compassion is coming from outside of yourself. And it is really hard for others or for us to see others compassion for us until we can find it within ourselves.

So what I did was look deep inside me - It was painful and really scary but I found some things I thought were good about me - even though no one else saw them or commented on them - I knew they were there - I had a kind heart. I did not want people to suffer the way I was suffering - I tried to be a good person as much as possible - stuff like that - and finding those, I was able to slowly, slowly, show myself compassion. And once I could find compassion within myself, I could hold my own pain with compassion and my own negative qualities with compassion, and that was when I decided not to kill myself.

Ultimately, it really does not matter what others think about you - They are not inside you and so giving them the power over your emotional state might not be the best choice.

From my side it was because I was hurt so often by others that I gave them that power over me to determine if I was good or not - But once I began to first recognize and then own my own goodness that empowered me.

And I learned that you don't have to believe everything you think -

Hope you find peace Dana and keep up the good work Ivory

 

[Mit]

Hi @ivory - thanks so much for your message. I've just started learning about compassionate mind therapy, the therapist I have been seeing adopts this approach and firmly believes it can help me. I've just started reading about it, so I am very much a novice, but it is interesting and I think I can relate to it.

My own childhood was dominated by frightening and isolating medical treatments. My adoptive parents, although kindly were unable to relate to my childhood fears. Their response was to be ultra practical and demand that I be brave, be very well behaved and never complain. I locked up my fears and struggled throughout my childhood to cope with frightening, painful and humiliating experiences at the hands of doctors, nurses and other adults. I did evolve a method of self soothing, but it was odd and probably not really very helpful, and it has caused me problems as an adult. As a consequence I too have struggled with self hatred, low self esteem and body dysmorphia.

It's heartening to know that people have found it can actually help. I've just printed off a guide to compassionate mind therapy and will look at Kristin Neff's website too and I'd be grateful for any insights you feel able to share.

Hey @Laurie McLaughlin I'm so grateful to you also for sharing your own experiences, it was powerful and moving to read. I feel I have such a long way to go with this, but what you have said is really encouraging.

 

[Saria]

Thanks to all of you for your kind words and for sharing your experiences!

@Senecia Sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm sure he really appreciates your compassion and care, and i hope you are able to take care of yourself at the same time.

When I'm hard on myself I tend come acorss as hard on others, even if I'm not meaning to.

This is so true! So maybe treating ourselves kindly will lead to us to giving more compassion to others in the long run? My T compares this to the oxygen masks in airplanes: you must secure your own oxygen supply first, before you can help others.

@Dana1010 You deserve to be loved, no matter what. I'm sorry to hear you've had experiences that've made you feel otherwise, and I know it must be painful. I can definetely relate to the feeling of not being wanted and it's not easy to trust in yourself that you're good enough just as you are. The society is really messed up in making us believe we need high status, perfect job, house, friends, parters etc. when we're all deserving of love just by being alive. I'm not able to feel this all the time either and maybe it's not helping at all, but I do believe it's true.I hope you are getting the support you need and am sending you a hug of compassion, if you'd like one :)

@Laurie McLaughlin Thank you for your wise words. I'm so glad to hear you've been able to connect to the kindness within you in difficult times. Realizing that your thoughts are not necessarily true must be relieving, since it's so easy to get caught up in it believing it to be a reality. It's inspiring to read that it's possible to connect with the goodness within oneself little by little, so thank you for sharing!

Hi @Mit - I've read a book by Paul Gilbert called the compassionate mind, and if the therapy approach you're mentioning is based on his work, then it's very similar indeed. Does it include some mindfulness practices as well? I think it's amazing how much we can heal by turning within (with sufficient accept and support from others), and I hope the approach can help you towards recovery as well. It can seem too difficult at first, but just hang in there! Although our stories are different, I can definetely relate to growing up with a lot of fear, and it can be a living hell. Have you been able to find other methods of self-soothing that have been helpful as an adult? This is where self-compassion has been most helpful for me, as I now am more able to comfort myself in difficult times. I feel a bit silly, because I've done Neff's exercice (Google "soften, soothe, allow" mp3) so many times i've almost internalized her soothing voice that now helps me to cope. I don't know if people without trauma usually experiences this after growing up with comfort from their mother, but it does feel like some sort of substitute for non-existing compassion in my childhood. Anyway, it's interesting to hear you are going through similar therapy, and i hope it can be helpful for you too and wish you all the best! :)

 

[Mit]

Hi @ivory Thanks for the information, yes it is based on Paul Gilbert's work, and does include mindfulness practices too (I've tried mindfulness but have lacked the discipline to do it regularly).

No I haven't found an alternative method of self soothing yet. At the moment I am locked in an horrendous battle to stop the 'unhelpful' self soothing. I started it in adolescence and over the last four decades it has become hugely habitual and engrained, it is absolutely part of me. Although I have never taken drugs I liken it to a drug addiction, so trying to stop it is very tough going and demoralising because I keep failing.

So I'll check out Neff's exercises. I can so relate to what you describe as 'non-existing compassion in childhood', it sums up my childhood experience perfectly. Anything that might help fill that void retrospectively is worth trying. Thanks.

 

[Saria]

I think mindfulness practices can be very helpful, as long as we're able to meet our experience with accept. For me, that's often too difficult, so like you, I haven't been able to do it regulary. I hope you're able to give yourself understanding instead of critisism if you don't do the exercises as much as you'd like.

That sounds difficult to deal with. Can you imagine someone who's been going through a rough time, trying their best to cope and then criticizing them for doing the best they can...? We really do judge ourselves to harshly, saying things we'd never say to a friend. I hope your therapist is wise and giving you the suppert you need to work through your experiences. And keep up the good work @Mit, and remember that you're doing the best you can. Every day :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Great thread.

I have been practicing compassion and love on me for a few years now and what a huge difference it has made in my life. I am able most of the time to cut off the critical voice of me and replace it with good thoughts about me and it is sure a journey of great self discovery.

I have made so many mistakes and I have learned from them.

But I wish all of us could practice self love and it would help tremendously. Thank you for sharing.

 

[seedling]

I've been able to be compassionate towards myself and my family while doing EMDR. I'm at the point in working on my first memory where the positive cognitions are replacing the negative ones.
Last week it happened all by itself as I imagined the scene. I was at home in the evening (as a child, in the memory) with my family and no one knew what fear I had lived through that day. I then was telling myself over and over that I forgave myself. Then, on the next round, I was forgiving my family for not being "perfect." I felt myself connecting with each of them and sending out the forgiveness. At the end, I felt like we were all there doing the best we could, no malice toward each other (which was true at that time). Normal people.

It ended up changing the tone of the whole memory, I hope it will stick more and more as I work on other memories. It's such a lovely feeling.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

Thank you @ivory. I started learning self compassion in therapy and it makes a huge difference. For example, I can't accept that I am a good person and I feel frustrated. My therapist suggest I stay with that feeling of not being good, not being good enough and then the sadness and the pain comes out and after that the joy. I started thinking of myself as human instead good or bad. I started seeing my reactions as normal reactions to abnormal experiences. I am even seeing it a possibility to love myself and to love others with all the imperfections. I think anyone that has been emotionally abused as a child will benefit of learning self compassion. My parents did not have compassion or empathy for me (unless I am perfect I am bad) and I never learned how to have compassion for myself. I only learned to be strong and perfect and not to fail. If I fail I am bad. I have a long way to go but it is worth it.