Doubt - Do You Have It?

[Senecia]

So, I know I was diagnoses with PTSD. I know that for a long time I've struggled and when the triggers are there, I really react. I've just been trying to avoid them I guess. The other day I saw a dad trying to discipline his little girl by threatening to leave her in the park. He even got in his car and started it up - the little girl was bawling, and she wasn't alone.

But regardless, I still doubt myself. Like, am I just milking it? I feel like I'm just finding ways to be afraid just so I can say I have PTSD.
The problem is, that's exactly the thing my abuser would say. So I honestly cant tell if it's her, or my own thoughts coming through.

My question is... Have you doubted yourself ans your struggle? Thought you were making it up, or anything of the like?

 

[anonymous]

If you haven't gotten to a point of FULL acceptance, I wager to say that this is the voice of your abuser. And even if you have fully accepted that you have PTSD, sometimes these voices still pop up in our heads. Its quite difficult to get rid of them. It can take years of work. But no, you are not alone in feeling this way. I think that many of us feel like maybe we don't "deserve" (in a sense) to say that we have PTSD and that we can just "pull ourselves up by our bootstraps." Acceptance is hard, and it can really take time to get to a point where we fully accept where we are.

 

[mrsps]

I doubt myself all the time with everything I do.
I feel like I shouldn't feel the way I do because my abuse was nothing compared to what others have been through. I should just be able to pull myself together and get on with my life

 

[illusionist]

Interesting! I've never tagged the label on myself...so I've never questioned if I deserved to carry it or not...I'm just me. I see all the individual symptoms rather than the label. Saying that though, I have often doubted my reactions to things, but now know the reasons why.

 

[RussH]

I think for me, the answer is no I don't doubt it. I struggled for years not understanding why I felt and acted the way I did, so when I learned I had PTSD it was actually a relief. So I don't doubt it, but that doesn't mean I like it either.

 

[Changing4Best]

My abuser used to accuse me of faking it. He didn't know what PTSD was, didn't know that I would be diagnosed with it. That was not what he accused me of faking. It was my Social Security Disability case that he accused me of faking. He really thought there was nothing wrong with me, even though several doctors disagreed with him. He thought he knew better!

Sometimes that voice of his still nags me. I still sometimes doubt that I have it, even when I compare notes here with all the folks who have such similar things happening to them. His accusations still dig deep into me and hurt.

 

[sun seeker]

Thought you were making it up, or anything of the like?

All the time.

What I'm learning to do is listen to my body. It knows the truth. See the recent thread Working With Body Memories for more on this.

Right now, for instance, I am sleeping about four hours a night because I just can't let go and fall asleep; I'm having trouble catching my breath; I go into a trancelike state when my anxiety gets too high; and half the time I have such a persistent desire to scream, I can almost hear it in my head. That and all the things I hardly notice anymore because I've had them so long...

My body didn't make those things up. Neither did yours, whatever is going on for you. You can trust that. Then there is the question of what to do about it. I find somatic-focused therapy very helpful.

 

[sun seeker]

Interesting! I've never tagged the label on myself...so I've never questioned if I deserved to carry it or not

Sorry, maybe I misunderstood the question. I was responding more to the doubt that whatever happened to cause the PTSD really happened. I don't really care about the label either. @Senecia, is it more about the label or the trauma that you are doubting?

 

[illusionist]

Oh! I apologise. I understood it to be if we doubted that we have the right to be diagnosed as Ptsd.

 

[sun seeker]

You could be right @richter scale. Now I've reread the post, I think that is what the OP was saying, about the diagnosis. And I agree with you there. They can change the DSM as many times as they like, but that doesn't change the fact of the trauma.

 

[Kefira]

I don't know if it's helpful because I haven't doubted my diagnosis, but I do find myself constantly comparing and wondering if I'm "sick enough" to receive the help I'm seeking. Even therapy at times, but I'm in a program right now where I'm having a lot of doubt over whether I deserve the resources and time being given to me. Especially since there's that nagging voice saying other people are worse off than I am, and therefore deserve it more and that somehow I'm basically stealing from people who need help more than me.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I have doubted it a lot. I still do sometimes, especially when I've been doing better for a while. But there's always a moment when I get triggered and PTSD hits me in the face again.

Part of me struggles with taking myself seriously because I felt relief when I was diagnosed. I still don't fully understand why that is. I think it has something to do with my tendency to downplay everything that bothers me, even though part of me is screaming for help. I think I need the acknowledgement that a diagnosis brings: at least that means I'm not making it up or being a drama queen, right?

Interesting topic, you got me thinking about this. Thank you.:)