Structural Dissociation?

[shimmerz]

Yes, please let's discuss this!

Yes, please. Can't look at your link until tomorrow Hope, but will when my brain comes back on line in the morning.

 

[shimmerz]

Identifying Parts that are Missing
Something came to me when I was talking to someone on the board (these things just hit me, so I am going to throw it out there so you guys can rip it apart if you want to).

I am a weird one. Maybe you guys feel that way too, idk. :wacky: But here is the thing. Never in my life could you get a rise out of me. I didn't get angry, I was never afraid, I didn't get bored, I didn't get frustrated, I didn't feel grief (had to be huge), I didn't show emotion (friends called me very controlled). They came to me for advice for just these reasons. I was kinda like a Mr. Robotto. I am noticing with this new stage that I have been flooded with anger and then it balances out after a few days. I have been flooded with fear responses (for years) and now I am not afraid anymore. You just watched as I was flooded with grief.

Now, it seems to me that I am a 'go big or go home' kinda girl. I get flooded, live through it, attempt to integrate and accept it, and then I feel those emotions but in a more mature way.

I wonder if we can identify our major parts by looking at what each of us is either
1. missing in the emotional department
2. inappropriately responding to (in an immature way) in the emotional department

Any thoughts on this? Does it makes sense to anyone?

 

[Hope4Now]

I am a weird one.

I too :alien:.

I wonder if we can identify our major parts by looking at what each of us is either
1. missing in the emotional department
2. inappropriately responding to (in an immature way) in the emotional department

This intrigues me as another pathway to untangling jumbled up parts that react to one another and/or work with one another.

 

[shimmerz]

I too :alien:.

Personally I don't see it. Take that for what it's worth! :smug:

 

[sun seeker]

I wonder if we can identify our major parts by looking at what each of us is either
1. missing in the emotional department
2. inappropriately responding to (in an immature way) in the emotional department

Do you mean what we've been missing or responding to inappropriately all along, or just right now? I know the answers to both have shifted for me, while some aspects have stayed the same. Any thoughts on this?

 

[shimmerz]

Do you mean what we've been missing or responding to inappropriately all along, or more recently?

I think that we can keep track of our EP's based on the shifts. I think my anger EP has come out, it was hidden all my life) and now has settled down. I can be appropriately angry. My boredom EP has come out as well, never was bored (ever) in my life before. But with me it is an all or nothing thing I think. I was affected at such a deep level from 4 days old and onwards. None of this got to develop in a safe way. You guys may be different. You may have been able to express anger (albeit in a infantile or child like way).

So yes, I think we can keep track of how our EP's are progressing based on shifts in how we deal with things. I literally can feel my cognitive processes shifting along with them. I will deal with something in a different way, that seems natural, doesn't take effort and think to myself afterwards - who the hell was that that just said or did that?

 

[sun seeker]

Okay, I'll get started, but my brain is out to lunch today so this will be pretty minimalist for the moment.

I used to be able to feel joy normally. It left me 10 years ago when one of my nieces left my life to move halfway around the world. She was very close to my daughter and me. I would very much like to get that capacity back, but it doesn't happen. Something good will happen and I'll know if I were able to feel joy in that moment, I would, but I can't.

On the other hand, I have never felt anger normally. I can do irritable with the best of them, but in situations where people are stepping over my boundaries and it would be appropriate to express anger, I instead either go numb or get hurt and resentful and say things I wish I hadn't. Neither is very effective or empowering.

 

[Ronin]

Kaia, can you expand on this a little more? Do you want to throw the ideas out around here and we can maybe help with where you want this to go in the thread? I would be really interested in your ideas. Pretty sure we could all put our heads together and help. Mine doesn't count for a full head though. :banghead: Just sayin.

I'll try :cool: Has to do with memory: I don't move on from a lot of memories. I see something, I stay with the sight, even though I already react on it and categorize it and what not, it's there, something I go back to. Headspace don't do that, they move on rather thoroughly and if it's something we just don't like seeing, put it to some other mental space for loong after (and then forget about it altogether because it's not-right-now, not-important... and then flashbacks happily bring it back along with other things we've so postponed and happiness ensues :D) - so basically slight differences in perceiving of passing time, storing of events that don't make it to be processed right now, and 'ya headbunch, if we could all get on the same page, that would be just grand'. Still not entirely knowing what's in the way of getting on the same page.

I'm hoping this makes sense, still trying to figure how to shorten it into some one liner question & expanding why and feh.

 

[sun seeker]

Still on the question of how we use our emotions as clues to identify our major parts - we have two topics going here now! - I have a self destruct part that comes out when I feel I've done something wrong, and especially if it's something having to do with loyalty to my parents. This is not to be confused with the inner critic, which wants me to do better but is never pleased. It's a very young part of me, all emotion; it isn't trying to get me to do better; there is no room for shades of grey in its world. Rather, it wants me to die if I break the rules.

This is an interesting approach. I think it's going to be helpful.

 

[sun seeker]

I am a weird one.

I too :alien:.

Personally, I'd be mildly offended NOT to be thought of as weird. :laugh: Life is too darn short to be normal.

 

[Ronin]

Still on the question of how we use our emotions as clues to identify our major parts - we have two topics going here now!

Mine's anger basically. I mean - even in compartmentalization, what sort of anger and at what things in life I feel helps me identify who's up and when, and stay grounded. Anger's my anchor all around, it's when it disappears or becomes inaccessible I'm unnerved at losing touch. Then comes loyalty, but loyalty's complicated as all hell and not always a good compass, anger's healthier compass for me/us.

 

[Hope4Now]

Hmmm. On tracking EPs based on emotional shifts...I have a really hard time with this. I think you all are absolutely right that this is how we can identify parts and how they're doing. I'm just not very good at it because I've had 50+ years of practice shutting down.

Until fairly recently, any sort of emotion would send me off into dissociation of some sort. It's not that I am emotionally numb I've learned...it's more that my system is extremely emotionally reactive and sends me into shutoff pretty fast...the shutoff takes lots of forms I'm learning. It has taken me a long time and a lot of mindful practice to tolerate existing inside my body and being present for short periods of time (which means that I feel things :wideeyed::cautious:). It's sad that I've never been able to feel fully...only sort of intellectually. I react before the feeling is allowed to process...a bit like one responds to a crisis. For me though, it feels as if everything is a crisis. This has been extremely helpful in many ways in my life, but it has also exhausted my system.

I do notice things more now...the somatic type therapy I've been doing is really helpful with this because I'm learning how certain emotions feel in my body. Like, OH, that contracting feeling in my gut? OH, that's fear.

The most helpful thing I'm learning to notice is where my energy is in my body. When it is up in my head, I know my thinker-self is up, for example. When I'm shaking, I know a really young part is up. Sometimes I am now able to shift that energy to a different place in my body, and everything changes. Totally bizarre.