How To Respond to Careless PTSD Remarks

[2quilt]

As Cecilia said in another thread, we need a cache of responses to hopefully enlighten that careless speaker that his / her words caused us pain.

Some careless remarks are simply because the speaker is not educated on PTSD, and sometimes the speaker intends to cause us pain.

Either way, we need verbal ammunition.
Any suggestions?

 

[Cecilia]

A few that come to mind:

"you seem to be hurt or confused, I'm sorry you feel that way."

"I guess that is one way of looking at it."

"How interesting. Let me think about that."

"Maybe I am not understanding. Could you rephrase that?"
(That makes them think about what they said. If they are trying to be argumentative then you will know. If they just slipped, rephrasing will help them see what they said wrong.)

 

[Deleted member 541]

2quilt..

If the speaker INTENDS to hurt with their remark....I just refuse to get into it with them. Ignoring them like they aren't even visible is so much better. I just walk away. It pisses them off too. I wouldn't waste my breath on them.

I also agree with Cecilia's remarks. They are non confrontational and it's a much better way to handle things.

 

[Rivergirl]

Sometimes if it's a well-meaning person who has just said something boneheaded, I say "I know you're trying to help....". and leave it at that.

If it's something particularly boneheaded and I'm not convinced they're trying to help, but maybe to judge or to make it go away or something, I tell them in as gentle a way as I can muster, "I guess you don't understand what my experience has been like for me."

Rivergirl

 

[Marlene]

This has been a particularly thorny issue for me.

When we speak of how to respond to a careless remark that hurts, I guess it all depends on the person and how much they know about us and our situation.

Only a very few people in my life know about my PTSD. I've made the mistake of sharing it with a few 'inappropriate' people who either didn't respect my request for confidentiality or totally freaked out about something 'mental'. These are the people that I wouldn't share anything with if my sanity depended on it. I act like everything's fine and so do they and life goes on.

The ones that do know and make an insensitive comment...a lot of times I'll just walk away before my mouth gets away with me. Later when I've calmed down I'll let them know that what they said hurt and why. There's been one occasion when I had to put a subject off limits (me getting off of my meds) because my mother kept harping on me for not taking them anymore. Setting a definate boundry there was the only way I felt that we could continue to communicate.

Setting boundries (each relationship has its own), sticking to them, reminding folks when they've overstepped those boundries are about the only ways I've found I can live with PTSD and other people in my life.

Lisa

 

[2quilt]

You are a stronger person than I am Lisa! When someone insults me, I dump a deep, wet load of kiss-my-patootie right then and there, and feel no need for apologies. I have to tell you what happened a few days ago. This has nothing to do with PTSD, but has everything to do with fast responses.
I was sitting in my wheelchair, leg braces visible and I was in a hotel as a guest. The hotel was having some kind of recruiting conference. I asked about what was going on in that room, and this 20 something year old dingbat with a teeshirt that said "Army of One!" on it tells me that they are recruiting civilian medical personnel to work for the Army because the Army's medicine is up and coming. I replied that they probably would not want me in that room because the Army made me what I am today, pointing to myself in a wheelchair and my legs. The dingbat with the Army teeshirt starts pretending to dance and says, "Kewl!" in his brainless self-absorbed way.
"No, being permanently disabled at 36 years old is not...'Kewl'. No, it's definitely not." I replied, then I called him a stupidass as I left the area.

 

[linasmom]

My mouth would definitely get away from me if the person was intentionally trying to hurt my feelings. I have a sharp tongue when need be.

However, if it is someone who truly just doesn't understand and the statement feels as if it was not meant in a malicious manner, then I would try to explain to them further about my disorder and explain to them that I understand that it might be hard for them to understand. Usually, the word "understand" can either stop the conversation from going any further because it becomes an end point, OR the other person, if willing, will ask questions to further try and understand.

In the end, they either respect how I feel or they don't and I have to write off those who don't as ignorant.

 

[Nicolette]

I just wanted to say that based on what I have learned PTSD is a cruel illness at times and I hate watching Anthony suffer.

If there was anything I could wish for all of you is that I could take away all those mean and careless remarks, as well as those pre-mediated remarks I have seen first hand, just so you could suffer a little less. I hold little respect for people who knowingly say something to get a desired result in hurting another human being. Or, that have such poor people skills that don't even realise how cruel they are.

 

[Marlene]

You are a stronger person than I am Lisa!

Not really. I've just had so much verbal ugliness in my life that now I choose to not add to it. Whether it's me or someone else doing the adding. There's also the fact that confrontation, especially with raised voices, is a big trigger for me. Add to the mix that I can be the nastiest bitch when provoked...it's just easier for me to walk away and cool off.

These are people that I love and want in my life. And sometimes they say really thoughtless, hurtful things to me. And sometimes I do the same thing to them. We're still on that learning curve. Not only learning to integrate PTSD into our lives, but learning to be decent human beings.

As to the others of the world and their nasty/hurtful comments...they're not worth the powder to blow them to hell. Shine them on.

Lisa

 

[FightingLily]

When it is a family member I want a relationship with, I paraphrase the question or comment for them. When he/she says, "What's wrong NOW?" I say "You mean right this minute, or are you impatient right now? " Paraphrasing and questioning them helps them to realize how their words can come across.
We have to remember our families will not always be supportive and patient, so I try not to hurt them even when I feel they have hurt me. Showing this effort and voicing how their comment has hurt you, helps the situation by two ways: it helps them understand what upsets you, and it helps you to identify whether that relationship is worthy of your emotions and time.

Although I don't advocate confrontations, it is always best to stick up for yourself especially when its the only language the offender understands.....When it is a person trying to be mean and insulting, I tell them:

"Get educated before making anymore asinine comments" and walk away shaking your head in disbelief.
"Actual experience, education, and assumptions are completely different things."

Or if their comment has really wounded or pissed me off:

I start clapping and say "Wow, I am really impressed at your sensitivity and people skills", and add " you must have a lot of friends..."
For the know-it-all: "Really? Did you read that from a book or did you make it up?"
"Maybe that's how it is in your lala land, but not in my reality."

 

[jbradshaw1955]

Help

I need to know what to do about a family that just cuts you off from all emotional support and understanding when your PTSD finallly rears its' ugly head????

JB

 

[2quilt]

Lily, I am going to write all those quotes on the backs of my hands so i will have them available when the moment strikes.

Bradshaw, welcome to the forum! Your question could be a whole 'nuther thread by itself! I would like to hear repsonses too.