Childhood Jumbled

[WildMermaid]

My brain is mumbly and jumbly today. It has been since my family trip to Cali. Part of it is just the migraines I'm sure, but the other part is nibbling away at me like a sharp toothed mouse with something scrumptious to eat. My brother (half- but whole in my view) was only there for some of the abuses and has maintained that he recalls very little of our lives. In the van on the way to San Diego though he came clean and shared a lot of his memories. We both marveled that it was incredible we lived, and our kids heard some of this stuff. >.< He spent years doing major drugs and went through a lot of changes to become the man he is now, he's a dad to his children, he even leads NA sessions now, and I'm damn proud of him and love him very much. It hurt though that he has always belittled the years I went through therapy for PTSD and though my stepfather nearly killed me on a few occasions that my brother said it was something I should not think about. He said my ex stepfather is dead and I just need to get over the past. I feel very confused and a touch angry about the past and current dismissiveness. I told him I think he needs to see a therapist. Not sure what to do next. Just hoping that getting it out there will dislodge it from my mind as it feels like a splinter that is driving a wedge into me. ~ EDIT: bleh. rereading this I realized I skirted every issue again, and sound melodramatic. *le sigh* Phooey. As my Gramma would have said I'm full of piss and vinegar today.

 

[Glenn R.]

WildMermaid - Hello, my friend!

First, I believe you are being all-too self critical -- a problem that has followed me around my entire adulthood! I don't believe you overstated your case or circumvented issues. In fact, your description sounds pretty damn thorough and to the point.

An old friend of mine from high school was a NY cop on patrol in front of the WTC on 9/11 and watched it tumble to the ground right in front of her. She saw people leap out of windows 88 floors high to avoid burning to death. And she landed up with PTSD and had to retire. Yet, her three brothers -- my running buddies in high school and after -- showed the same lack of understanding as yours. Consequently, she has kept her distance from them since and doesn't discuss anything involving feelings. So I think your brother was number-one: completely out of line, two: completely out of bounds; and three: completely ignorant to our extremely painful disorder. Actually, my family wasn't real supportive either, and I extricated their insensitive selves from my life years ago. If was one of the smartest and most self-loving moves I ever made!

I am so sorry about the migraines, I really am. Although I don't have them, it has never been lost on me how excruciating they are. Friends of mine who have suffered from them painted a crystal-clear picture for me. The truth is I can't even handle mild headaches.

MIght I suggest Medical Marijuana. It has worked wonders for many. Not the shit on the street, but actual weed that is bio-genetically grown, with strains for all different issues. I notice you live in the Paciffic Northwest. Oregon, Washington State and California have it. I can't smoke it myself because it compounds my brain-chemistry issues, but that's me. You don't have to smoke it, as it comes in pastries and drinks. You can also use a pot vaporizer Just a suggestion; I'm not minimizing your agony.

 

[jaccat]

I have the same issue with my brother. Even though he suffered much more at the hands of my mother his attitude is that I just need to get over it. What he actually said was I should laugh at it! And he's had plenty of therapy. He's turned his life round in many ways, but in others he's not moved on at all. Unfortunately he can't see it.

My T pointed out that even though we went through things together we are going to see things differently. It's like when police get witnesses to a crime and they describe completely different suspects. But It doesn't mean my perception is wrong. And then I look at all the things my brother still isn't dealing with and I know I'm doing the right thing.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

Hello @WildMermaid . I am full of piss and vinegar at the moment myself and I too struggle with migraines which has a lovely way of making everything worse. I love my husband but he too has expressed to me to get over it or just don't think about it. It's extremely hurtful to have your feelings belittled. Maybe your brother isn't ready to deal with his feelings but that doesn't mean you shouldn't continue to seek help for yourself. Your example just may inspire him one day.

 

[WildMermaid]

I'm grateful to all of you @Glenn R. @jaccat and @shrinkingviolet. You all brought up important thoughts, and i'm still ruminating on them. Will, reply more when I can get my head together a bit. <3 :hug:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think part of it is denial.

I also think that part of it is that we have a disorder where we cannot choose to simply move on. Our minds are hijacked and we are forced to relive the past. Other people who don't have PTSD tell us to move on simply because they can. They don't understand that we have no choice but to relive the past. I've been through much processing already and while the memories themselves cause me no problems (no nightmares or flashbacks of the event itself), I still very much live in the past at times. Right now I'm dealing with a dissociative state of sorts. It was spurned by unwanted sexual advances. (Not abusive, just over the line.) Normal people wouldn't have a brain that goes on vacation because some guy made a few inappropriate comments. Most other women would perhaps tell him to eff off, be upset for 15 minutes, and then move on. Uhm, nope. My mind is SCREAMING *danger* and I'm on day two of this crap. I'm probably not fit to drive even. Yeah, I totally choose this crap as does every other PTSD sufferer. *rolls eyes*

 

[WildMermaid]

:hug: 's @Solara if you need/want some! What you said about living in the past resonates strongly. Sending you good vibes and hopes that you're okay.

 

[Hope4Now]

So sorry you're battling migraines and feeling jumbled. I hope you can be good to yourself.

We both marveled that it was incredible we lived

Glad for you, at least, that you had this validation.

He spent years doing major drugs and went through a lot of changes to become the man he is now, he's a dad to his children, he even leads NA sessions now, and I'm damn proud of him.

Wow. Good for him. He found his own path to healing in his own way and you're finding yours. We are all in this mess of life together even though it often seems that we're alone, and some of our fellow travellers aren't so nice to us...as in:

It hurt though that he has always belittled the years I went through therapy for Link Removed and though my stepfather nearly killed me on a few occasions that my brother said it was something I should not think about. He said my ex stepfather is dead and I just need to get over the past.

I HATE MINIMIZING. (Caps intended). It has been done to my feelings and actions all my life by so many people, and I do it to myself. It is most hurtful when it comes from people we care about.

 

[garden]

It hurts when someone minimizes our pain, and it goes even deeper when it’s a loved one. One of my 3 younger sisters is this way towards me too. It sounds like he may have used avoidance as a coping mechanism, and it may have served him well in some cases, so he thinks that is how you should approach things too. I think sometimes it’s painful for a loved one to see our suffering and they cope by minimizing it, not for you, not because doing so might help you feel better, but because minimizing serves them, because this way they don’t have to experience any negative emotions about what you have been through, or about what you are going through currently. It’s their fear in action, not yours, but you are definitely affected by it. When it’s outside our family dynamics, I am learning that it is usually pure ignorance in action.

I know that you will sort this out and soon feel less jumbled. :hug:

 

[Glenn R.]

All of your responses on this issue are full of love, compassion and understanding -- the very things we don't get from others who don't have this disorder.

Minimizing to me is just a side-sweeping invalidation. The statement it makes is hurtful: "You are exaggerating; why are you holding on to this. If you wanted to, you could just let go (poof) and you would be fine." Or my favorite: "It could be worse. At least you're not/don't have................and you should be grateful for that!" It's like telling a person suffering from the agony of a back injury, "At least it's not bone Cancer!"

THAT'S HORSESH*T! The truth is all we need from them is just the acknowledgment we are hurting and a little compassion. Other than that, they need to shut the f*ck up!

 

[WildMermaid]

hug hug hug you all rock <3 :hug:

 

[RussH]

@Glenn R.
Just keep reminding yourself that anyone who does not have PTSD don't understand PTSD