Relationship When Does The Isolation Stop

[Becksknox]

my combat vet is in the isolation stage right now, pushing me away because he feels he's too broken for me and I deserve better. We've been here before, but I wasn't aware of what it was from. Now I'm aware and I'm giving him his space and just curious is there a general time frame? Last year was about 2 months, when I told him I had had enough of it because though he needed space, he still wanted to be in contact daily. This time around he is still in contact daily and I am being as patient as I can so just curious for input.
Thank you for any help.

 

[shimmerz]

Interesting question. My friends would tap into my 'empathy' bone. It is the thing that normally gets me out of freeze and isolation (the two combined are no fun). They would say that they had a 'problem' and I would come out of isolation for them. lol. So gullible. :meh:

I wonder if there is something that your vet has that 'motivates' him to come outside of himself?

 

[Becksknox]

Last year it was when I told him I had to step away because I had to heal. I couldn't be in contact every day because it was too painful. He lasted 4 days and wanted me back.
The problem with that is I'm afraid it could cause me to lose him which is the last thing I want.

 

[Sweetpea76]

There is no time frame. Isolation is a coping mechanism that some sufferers use when they are feeling overwhelmed, so as long as they feel overwhelmed, they isolate.

You aren't powerless as a supporter though. You are perfectly within your rights to set up boundaries about what you can and cannot tolerate in your relationship when it comes to these isolation periods. When and if he comes back around, and is feeling better, you can sit down and discuss these with him. However while he is isolating, it is not a good time to bring anything emotionally heavy to the table.

My sufferer is an isolator. He does get overwhelmed and needs to be totally alone at times. This is just how it works. He, however knows my boundaries when it comes to remaining in a relationship.

I cannot tolerate long periods of isolation with no contact. I cannot tolerate disappearing acts. He also knows that I will not do this for weeks on end. We are in a relationship, and it takes two people to have one. He also knows that if he breaks up with me, he better mean it, because you don't have to tell me anything twice. I cannot have my heart ripped out by being "dumped" every 6 months. I will not remain in a relationship if these things happen. I cannot impose "rules" on him, but I can be very clear about what I can or cannot do in a healthy relationship. If the relationship is not healthy, staying in it is not good for anybody, him especially.

After the first gut-wrenching isolation period, we had to make some compromises at a time when he was feeling better. I had to accept that he isolates. Period. It happens, and it's no cake walk for him either. I had to agree not to contact him or try and engage him in conversations when he needs his space. In return he agreed to warn me when he needs to isolate. He cannot just drop off the face of the planet. He also agreed to shoot me "I'm alive" texts every so often so I do not worry something bad happened to him. I agreed not to try and use these texts as a means to start a conversation until he is ready (ie he usually texts "hi" instead of "I'm alive").

It may sound cold, but it is a heck of a lot better than sitting around suffering with unhappiness.

 

[Becksknox]

thank you. He says he needs his space, which I get, but then he says he needs to be able to call and text daily. Unless it's super important, I let him text or call first. It's about being patient but I feel like I'm coming unglued while I wait. I have severe anxiety and ptsd and it just hurts to wait it out.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

No definite time period. You should know this if you're a sufferer yourself.

 

[Becksknox]

He has combat ptsd and mine is from sexual abuse as a child so very different and I don't isolate.

 

[Owl.]

@Becksknox - that's exactly what I said a few months ago still (fairly similar situation). I've now been AWOL for nine days and counting.

I'm not saying this is something that HAS to happen to you, not at all, but if you let his situation get to you too much, the next minor thing can knock you so far off your own path you don't even know which direction it's in anymore.

You take care of yourself, first and foremost. There's no telling when he'll resurface or what sort of mess he/his life will be in when he does (I could sing a billion songs about that by now), but if you're ready to be in this for the long haul, you need to make sure this doesn't tear you apart in the process.
Neither one of you is any good to the other in pieces.

Other than that, I can only echo what @Sweetpea76 said above. Ground rules. Boundaries.
Not to be set now, but when you're both in a better place. It absolutely sucks to ruin a good day with that kind of talk, but don't let that stop you or this is never going to have a chance to change.

Best of luck to you both!

 

[Nico]

My guy returned from deployment in late November. I've been shut out since 12/5. He never broke up with me...just had a freak out (for lack of a better explanation) over the phone with me and completely disappeared. Wouldn't answer anything...just poof...gone. I've known this man for almost 20 years and we were together over a year. I tried to be as patient as possible and my therapists said I was doing the right things, but I finally had to let go and come to the realization that he's not coming back. I've never been so hurt by any man in my entire life, but I have healed. If he were to come around, I wouldn't shut him out, but I'd want to know why after all these years of such a bond he felt he couldn't lean on me or talk to me about his problems. I read on here somewhere that combat vets with ptsd who isolate have a hard time coming back to their partners. I'm not talking about the married folks, but those BF/GF situations. Apparently they feel too much guilt from hurting their partner and feel that the partner is better off without them, so they just drift away.

It's a good sign that your guy is communicating with you if you ask me. It's up to you how to tolerate him not wanting to physically be around you. I'd say that's a time to explore your personal hobbies and interests.

 

[Becksknox]

All these replies are perfect! Thank you!

 

[Becksknox]

So while he's telling me he needs space, he calls and texts daily. He says he misses me but that doesn't change his mind about wanting a relationship right now. I get that he thinks his thoughts are rational but in reality they are irrational. When does this become visible to him? He's started therapy for the first time ever which is wonderful.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I get that he thinks his thoughts are rational but in reality they are irrational

They may not be irrational. He really and honestly may not be able to handle a relationship right now. Relationships are stress, and stress is not PTSD's friend if he is symptomatic. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he just may not be able to give you what you need relationship-wise.

He's started therapy for the first time ever which is wonderful.

Starting therapy is usually very very stressful and opens up things that have been closed off for awhile. This could be adding fuel to the fire.

When does this become visible to him?

When it finally becomes visible to him, if it ever does. Nobody knows, not even him.

I know you said you have anxiety and PTSD too... are you taking care of your own well being right now? It is really important to take care of yourself too. He may come back, he may not... and if he does, it may take awhile. You need to find some ways to cope with the situation that are healthy for you.