Relationship When Does The Isolation Stop

[Becksknox]

I am in therapy and doing the best to take care of myself. He calls and texts daily and if I've said I may need a break from that, he gets upset and doesn't want to be without me.

 

[Becksknox]

They may not be irrational. He really and honestly may not be able to handle a relationship right now. Relationships are stress, and stress is not PTSD's friend if he is symptomatic. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he just may not be able to give you what you need relationship-wise.

I believe, as does our therapist, that they are irrational since they have happened twice now almost a year to the day. All of his actions and words say different. By his own admission, he hates being alone. Because he has met alone with the therapist and together with me, she is very aware of handling him and also specializes in trauma. Things have changed a bit since they first talked for the better. His first reaction to stress is to take the flight option. When he realizes I am still supporting him no matter what he goes through, he comes around. It just has my anxiety through the roof along with everything else in my life right now so my Dr has upped my anxiety meds and added a stabilizer.

Thank you for your insight. I love that you are straight forward!

 

[CharlotteB]

You aren't powerless as a supporter though. You are perfectly within your rights to set up boundaries about what you can and cannot tolerate in your relationship when it comes to these isolation periods. When and if he comes back around, and is feeling better, you can sit down and discuss these with him. However while he is isolating, it is not a good time to bring anything emotionally heavy to the table.

How do I get my vet to actually do this? I'm noticing his pattern of getting upset (unbeknownst to me) and then disappearing. After the first time (6 months ago), I asked him to let me know he needs space. I KEEP repeating this to him but he never does it. We have great conversations, reconciling when he "comes back" and he apologizes for any inappropriate things he's said. This is the greatest man I've ever met and I love everything about him but his disappearing acts kill me! We're in one now (2 days) and I've gone over our last conversation and have no idea if it was something there that set him off, or if it's school, work, or what. I'm getting better at not dwelling on it (I've been reading a lot on PTSD). He knows I worry, so an "I'm alive" text would be just fine...Is there anything I can do?

 

[Sweetpea76]

I don't know if there is anything you can do to get him to do anything. I just set my boundary with him... I can't tolerate my partner disappearing on me and leaving me worried sick all the time. I would not continue the relationship if he did. He can have all the space he needs, but he has to be considerate of our relationship if he wants to be in one with me. He knew I was serious.

 

[Nico]

@CharlotteB ... I agree with @Sweetpea76 . She offers a ton of great advice as a supporter. I went through what you did and there was nothing I could do, and you as well. My guy just vanished and I haven't heard from him since December. If your sufferer needs space, he needs to have the decency to communicate that with you. 6 months is intolerable if you ask me and breaks trust with the other partner. That's half a year. I could understand a week or so, but beyond that (in my opinion) it becomes unfair to a supporter. I didn't sit around and wait any longer after a few months...because he had just returned from a deployment (not combat)...so I was trying to keep a more open mind about it. Bottom line...you deserve to be treated fairly in a relationship...PTSD or not. You don't deserve to be tossed aside for such a long period of time. Maybe I'm more stern, but that is just cruel. He apparently isn't living in a cave, is he? He has to communicate with other people, right? You deserve to hear *something*. If you truly believe this man is for you, then you absolutely need to tell him you will not tolerate such lengths in disappearing from YOU. It would be really, really hard for me to ever be able to trust my ex again. At this point, I have no intention of ever going back if he decided to resurface. My heart has been damaged and my trust is gone.

 

[CharlotteB]

Thanks @Sweetpea76 and @Nico. The longest he's gone is 2 months (for a semi legitimate reason. I moved on after a month but that's another story). The longest, when we're together, has been 3 days. Sometimes I'm ok and get busy doing my own thing. Other times I'm losing it.

I'm noticing that it happens whenever he gets stressed, even when it has nothing to do with me. We've talked about it but I don't think he really "gets" it. He says it's better for him to sort things out in his head first before talking to me. He's even said that he thinks the "I'm alive" text would make things worse!

 

[Sweetpea76]

The "I'm alive" text would make things worse for who? Him or you? Stressing him out... it may, but he does have a certain amount of responsibility in a relationship.

In my opinion, if my vet just buggers off, for whatever reason, and leaves me sitting home worried sick for a week without letting me know he is alive, that is a pretty shit thing to do to somebody you love. I understand he needs space and doesn't want conversation. I do not answer or attempt conversation to an "I'm alive" text. It is to give me a little release from my anxiety... and I do get anxiety and hurt feeling too, even if I am the healthy one. If he is in a relationship, he needs to have the same respect fro my feelings as I do for his, even if he is "the designated patient." I let a lot of shit slide because of PTSD... this is not one of them.

It is something that he has to do to maintain our relationship. If he is not healthy enough to manage that, he is not healthy enough to be in a relationship.

We have the right to have some expectations in our relationships.

 

[Becksknox]

Why would my sufferer say he "needs space" yet text and call daily?

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Becksknox , maybe that is a way he can be in control? He wants space, but he also wants to talk to you when he wants to... hard to say.

 

[Becksknox]

This is why I feel a week or so of just ignoring his texts and calls, however, I feel like as much as he's been hot & cold, up & down, I don't feel like he deserves a reason and I should just cut him off and let him off. @Sweetpea76, what are your thoughts on this. I know he's made excuses and lied thru this to me, so I feel I need to explain to him. What do you think?

 

[Becksknox]

@Sweetpea76 To make it make more sense, should I tell him I think it's time for me to have space since he originally said he needed it but has never stopped communication, but it's always on his terms, or just I just stop with no communication? I don't want to knock him down lower. Even though he's put me thru a lot of pain with this, I'm not the type person to be cruel or vindictive and just cut him off. I feel like a short text saying I need space may be the best option.

 

[Sighs]

Just my personal view but if you want honesty and openness from him then you need to be honest and open with him. If you feel you need a break from his communication I would tell him that.