She manifests in body sensations, and emotions. I first realized that it was the little girl in me when I was trying to write an important letter, it took days to write this letter, where it's the kind of letter that I could 'normally' have written in an hour (in the olden days). This was an important letter as it impacted my families living situation, and I was scared that I was incapable, that I would let my family down. Every time I would set out to start writing my body would tremble uncontrollably and my chest would sink in and I would slump a little, even when standing. Even the trembling was different, it's not like how I tremble when I'm cold, it's as if the tremble comes from inside me and it's soft yet constant. My body felt small, weak, inadequate, and incapable of completing this task of letter writing. My breathing was shallow and irregular. My body felt overwhelmed and I kept weeping. I felt lonely, incredibly sad, and lost. I made the connection to my childhood because I knew that this was a familiar feeling, all of it was totally familiar.
I have pictures of myself from childhood where I'm slumped, my chest sunken, misery emanating from my face. I literally look beaten down.
I spent a lot of time alone and feeling like this, so it was not hard to make the connection, it was a long time ago, but it was too familiar to deny.
I talk to her gently, and without words, and something is shifting, not sure what, but something's happening in a good way.
