ED Eating disorder

[VioletButterfly]

Welp, I've done some posting on this as it is something I've dealt with for several years. I know that it is linked to trauma. Thank you so much to my first sick-ass T who intertwined the two with SA as well. So this is where I'm at. I'm trying to eat better, exercise moderately, respect my endocrine system, and deal with my trauma stuff (past/present). I can deal with it in my mind, but mu emotions are another story. I just feel like my plate is overflowing. I try so hard. Every small step is a huge step when it comes to ED or AL. It just is. I've been here too long. I'm not sure groups works or not . Been there, done that. I think I just need a good T. It's about self-care. I don't know. Suggestions? I know I am way too isolated, but is it helpful to go hear others list out their laundry lists of woes? I mean, if there isn't ESH, then what is the point? Sorry to sound bitter, but I need positive and helpful, not another person to go "fix."

Despite it all, my life is still a wreck. I'm afraid to go to work, yet I know that I must. My health and looks are suffering due to malnutrition, yet I can't get myself on board. I'm at least grateful that I take a multi and calc each day. I have not appetite, yet it's the cravings that drive me to bulimia. I feel like such a failure. I'm so sorry I feel like I need to just run away and just create a new "ME." VB

 

[Chava]

It does help to have a therapist. If there's an ED group in your area you could just try it out and see if it feels like a helpful fit. I personally found going to an ED group to be weird, but the group I went to might have been dysfunctional (arguments about whether over-eaters could go, like the bulimic leader was offended...just to messed up for me with all the potential for unhealthy physical comparisons). But I did get some good support from a couple women when I was in the hospital. So it's maybe about finding individuals within a group who are on a good path and can be supportive. ?? I do like AA very much and it helps me live beyond my isolation somewhat, so if any support group fits with your needs it is a good way to connect....there aren't typical social pressures. We already know we are imperfect and struggling so can cut right through the exterior lay of functionality we normally try to present.

Anyway, finally recovering from anorexia somehow morphed into chronic pain for me so I wish I would have found more help or the therapist I'm working with a little sooner, but I guess everything happens sort of as we're ready...or something like that.

 

[ms spock]

Do you have a safe space to be in @VioletButterfly? If you are not safe then it is hard to heal in this now.

I struggle with eating as well. It is not easy.

I hope you find a psychologist or psychiatrist who is a good fit.

 

[StellaBlue]

I'm not sure what all of your abbreviations mean...but...it sounds to me like you have multiple "maladaptive" coping mechanisms that are all trauma related. And I think it's a really good step that you recognize that they are related to your trauma. I spent years trying to "fix" all of my problems - eating disorder, binge drinking, suicidal ideation and attempts, depression. When I finally connected the dots, I realized I was playing "Whack a Mole" by trying to fix this host of symptoms when the real issue I was avoiding was the trauma.

Unfortunately, being a take-charge kind of girl, I decided to fix the problem head on without any skills to keep myself safe...and I wound up making a perfect mess of it.

I may be making assumptions about you here, because I don't know you...but...I would strongly recommend that you get some safety skills on board. Find a counselor or group that can teach you about grounding, emotional regulation, distress tolerance (I am a HUGE fan of DBT - I believe it saved my life) - concentrate on just being safe for now. If there are critical issues, like malnutrition or serious suicide ideation, then those come first as well. In terms of the ED - you don't have to "fix" that - just make sure it's not critical (like you're going to go into cardiac arrest because of electrolyte imbalance). The rest can wait...and, interestingly, a lot of the "rest" settles down once you can find a safe place.

I hope this makes sense and that I'm not being offensive. I truly get that it all seems too overwhelming. Slowly and safely is really the key here.

 

[ms spock]

@VioletButterfly Just a point for clarity we don't use abbreviations because most people don't know the ones that are not from their area or country. I would suggest you type the whole word out - so that everyone is included and everyone can understand.

 

[joeylittle]

My best attempt:

SA - sexual abuse
ED = eating disorder
AL = ? in context, could be a mis-type for AN, Anorexia Nervosa.
ESH = Environment, Safety, and Health?
Multi = multivitamin
Calc = calcium supplement

 

[VioletButterfly]

Oops - sorry, used to abbreviating from other boards that contain an abbreviations list.

ED - eating disorder
SA - sexual abuse
AL - alcohol
ESH - experience, strength, hope (12-stepism)
Multi vitamin
Calcium supplement

I guess what I wrote above sums up pretty well why I've been so desperate to secure a good therapist. I still haven't heard from my doctor either who was going to look over my list, and she even noted at our last appointment how exhausting and traumatizing it is to find a therapist. Typical pattern in my life - the ones who should care and protect, don't. I've been working finding a good therapist since January and have found the entire process exhausting, depressing and traumatizing. Even after phone interviews, once we sit down to talk, it's clear the women I've seen don't have what I need and are more concerned with documentation and reimbursement. It seems everyone puts PTSD or trauma expert on their profiles here so it's difficult who to figure out to call. Plus, most of them only meet during traditional office hours (8-6). Those will be my working hours.

I just want to quit life, but I've had that conversation with myself and know that isn't my decision to make. No, I don't have a safe place, not in reality and not in my mind. I'm alone in this other than God. I know that I need someone here with me though. Faith is great, but I need a human being, I think. I've tried all the 12-step groups except for Narcotics Anon as I don't have that issue (thank God I don't have one of them). As Chava noted, you have to try a few and even the best has it's own character/spice, if you know what I mean. We're people. I did find wonderful Al Anon groups, but had to drop out as they meet during the day and I was working last year, and also one of my best step buddies betrayed me and showed me she was still ill enough to hurt me. So, well, I've considered going to other meetings, but well, you do run the risk of being hurt at recovery meetings. I am not well, but I am well enough not to hurt others; I go to the other extreme. P.S. I tried 2 AA meetings and they scared the pants off my little Al Anon self. Very much triggered me as I grew up with alcoholics. Ugh. Al Anon maybe, or even a meet-up group to walk. I think I even mentioned that on another post.

I just feel like I'm at a point where nothing seems to be going right and I'm drowning under my stuff (getting a job, health issues, emotional issues, loneliness) and my mom's affairs, and I just don't have what it takes anymore to get it all done. I feel like I'm failing.

StellaBlue - Sorry about the abbreviations. You are dead on in all that you wrote and it was absolutely not offensive, but very enlightened and thoughtful. I connected the dots a long while back, but the no therapist has ever helped me learn how to be safe, ground myself or cope with what was going on "trauma wise," so I was left to my own devices when losing it and acting out. Like you, I went at it head on too - I'll cure all of these addictions myself. I read books, went to websites and groups, I asked questions, I asked for help from therapists to no avail. I just looked up some of the DBT skills you mentioned, and I think I need either a better explanation or a therapist to work through them with me (emotional regulation & distress tolerance). As noted above, I've again and again, for ways to better manage my addictions/traumas. I've been told to breathe, refer to a distractor list, and journal. None of that has worked for me, especially when I'm flashing back to various ugly scenes. All that seems to work then is finding "numb."

Thank you to all of you for responding. VB

 

[Chava]

It seems everyone puts PTSD or trauma expert on their profiles here so it's difficult who to figure out to call

I don't know what the answer is for you, but you might consider what has or has not worked in the past and also what feels like the most pressing issue. If you are really struggling with eating disorder behavior, maybe you start with an eating disorder specialist (I saw an eating disorder specialist for a couple years, got my weight to a healthy spot, then started working with current trauma therapist). Also, you might need to just take a little sick leave time to schedule appointments. Are you able to do that? Or just worried about possibly missing some work in general?

I don't know what to add about the AA stuff. I love AA but I did not have alcoholic parents (though I know many in AA do...have you ever been able to hook up with someone at meetings who relates to that experience too?). I can say I used to leave meetings and never go back because I was just so horrified of other people. But sticking with the meeting that seemed like the best fit made all the difference...starting feeling comfortable with those people and the good connections helped my sobriety but even my ED because the sense of connection was helpful.

I can understand the feeling of nothing going right. I think about death when I feel really powerless and hopeless, like there is nothing I can do to make changes. Probably you're also just tired (I had to go through several doctors this winter and that almost made me lose my mind). You ARE doing something and working towards change...just keep looking. And on days you are tired of looking for groups or therapists, just take a break.

The regulation stuff is hard. You maybe can't avoid all urges to be numb right now, but anything you can do to create a good experience or good feelings lets your body know just a little that you are okay now. So sticking with distractions or adding to the list, going for walks, etc. The thing is that these aren't cures...but if you find things that work even just a little, you stick to them, without expectations of being fixed, but possibly with the regulation over time. You might have to find very original means (focusing on my breath makes me very anxious, but humming one constant pitch helps a tiny bit...nobody told me that, I just had to discover based on my own body experience and trial-and-error).

Anyway, I hear that it's all just exhausting. Hang in there. Don't give up but let yourself set searching or trying to fix it aside for a bit when needed.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Chava - thank you. It means so much just to be heard and understood. I think we, as humans, need this more than anything. I think eating is doing okay - my MD is monitoring that as am I. It's why I quit the SSRI I recently tried - Sertaline. I it took away my appetite and the anorexia monster had a field day, then 2 days later I was craving sugar and AL like a junkie. That was that with the Sertaline. Uh un.

Right now, the eating disorder is manageable and I'm not in danger. It's more a matter of managing my daily life stressors and trauma that are my issues. I need a job, an end in sight to my mother's drama, friends/support, and a good therapist - overall, I need stability and balance. I have no coping/ground mechanisms with which to even approach dealing with these issues. I have asked each therapist with whom I've worked to help with this, but at noted above was told to breathe. Really?

Looking for therapists, I agree, is exhausting, but I can't take a break. I'm breaking and need help in real time. My doctor has her limits. So, I will return here and pray until I can someone to work with me who is qualified and helpful.

I read on another post about a routine she uses to prepare to sleep and have thought about putting other routines in place to help me structure my day, but not boot camp structure my day. So, I hear you on regulation. Maybe a few distractor tasks. I just keep overwhelming myself with "to do" lists for each day. I keep shooting for structure. I do remember someone out here advising me to look at this as a "process" and not a "project." That it's a journey without an end, and not an event or work project that have a beginning, middle, and end. It's just hard when I feel overwhelmed by making tea in the morning and looking at the big job boards for work. Not sure how to deal with those feelings. I think I need help. So tomorrow, I'll be making another call even if I don't hear from my doctor. Maybe I need a different doctor too. OMG - that would send me off the deep end at this point. Thanks. VB

 

[Chava]

I need a job, an end in sight to my mother's drama, friends/support, and a good therapist - overall, I need stability and balance.

That is a lot, but even small steps in any direction count. I am overwhelmed by my own lists. I stick to my one AA meeting, sometimes a meditation group. And have said NO to several things. So finding your own inner and outer resources that can help you cope, but also boundaries. I don't know the story with your mom (do you live with her? sorry if you mentioned and I missed it). Of available or potential therapists did any seem trustworthy or have lots of trauma background? Any you could give a shot even if it doesn't seem like a perfect fit? Just for a while? If your doctor is mostly alright, maybe avoid making a change there since that could just add to your stress.

Some people here have been very helped by DBT groups. I don't have any experience with it, but I see it come up often. Is that an option for you? And whatever helps you slow down a bit when you can and shut all the extra stuff out. I NEED music. And sometimes my cat. It's really hard to de-stress even in my downtime and I can relate to feeling like I'm just at a tipping point. I spent a good month or two hanging out in my bathroom...it's the smallest and most internal room in my house so it just felt like the best escape from the world...my little hole. Hopefully you have a place like that, whether it's a garden, a yoga mat, a special chair to read in....I'm a bit of a nerd for making a "space" feel good and supportive. Not sure if that sounds helpful at all.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I saw this at the bottom of the page while about to post a reply to another member re: an eating disorder. Wow, so I'm still in the same spot in too many ways. Still looking for a job and running out of time, still trying to get my mother situated (just found out her care coordinator has left to go to another company, and that mom has had 2 falls in the past week), am still trying to eat better, have backed off the Xanax, but alcohol has been off the charts for the past few weeks. This has got to stop now as I don't have the money to support this habit. I don't have enough money to make rent and my lease is terming in 2 months so, I'm still in a pickle in real-time. I did find a therapist, but her schedule has been kind of nutty this summer so we were filling in with another therapist I saw a long while ago. It turned out that I just didn't click with this person, so I'm trying to wade through the weeks when my primary therapist is out of town. She has a lot of experience in PTSD, EMDR, ED (eating disorders), etc.. A good fit for my ills. I wish I had called her back in January, but had seen her once in the past and was embarrassed by the state of being I was in at the time. She will be gone for 3 weeks starting next week. I feel comfortable with her, but we've stayed focused on real-time stuff as it is just too overwhelming in and of itself. There's been a little looking into the past, but not too much as I just can't go there right now. I still only have breathing and distractor tasks to try to help me stay grounded. We did talk about DBT, but with her schedule, it's just kind of slowed us down. I'm hanging in there, but have been awfully depressed the past week. I can't tell if it's the alcohol working in a bad way on my brain or just the crushing pressure of real life. This un-ending stress. I did well earlier in the summer by returning to church. Gosh, I just love my church - the pastor, the vibe, the music. I think I wrote about it in another post so won't blather on about it. What I don't understand is why I gravitate toward what allows me to run away from consciousness and numb out instead of running into the figurative arms of the one who loves me and tells me that all will work itself out, that I am redeemed. Maybe it just comes down to a support network of fellow believers and others who can be my FOC. That is the biggest hole in my life I think.

At any rate, I re-read the post and all of your replies and wanted to thank you for taking time to reply so thoughtfully. So, today, I'm hitting my hottest fire - the job search continues, I'm going to attempt some journaling/art, am going to try to eat a little better, try to get through the day without drinking, and am going to try to go to church tonight. I'm scared, but want to try. I read a post in the successes area that really inspired me. I hope I can keep working with this therapist and experience the rewards of all the hard work I read about. VB