Doing The Right Thing

[shimmerz]

I always know I am fighting this on some level when that little voice in my head says, 'You are an idiot'. Always the same line.... always the same words. It's about being taken for a sucker. Being taken advantage of. And trying to be a good person, you know, being true to my morals and values in a world that doesn't seem to really give a crap about them. Set me straight will you please?

Quick update. Seeing a man for 2 years. He moves to CA. I move with him. I get there and 2 weeks later end up in hospital there, have to fly back here, he says I am coming back, so I leave my stuff there. I have important stuff there. My business incorporation documents, banking shit, not to mention my makeup brushes (:giggle: - I don't actually wear makeup much). Anyways, just before I leave hospital he snorts and laughs saying I am not coming back there, that I almost ruined him financially. So here I am, homeless, moneyless and really physically sick. He didn't give me my winter coat in CA - I just got it in April .... he was busy.

I have some of his boxes at my place. He keeps wanting them. He has a friend who will pick them up. I want my stuff. I also want to do the right thing. I don't want his stuff and I feel it is wrong to keep it. He is complaining about how much money it will cost to send my stuff back home to me. I came up with a solution - air freight it to here. It will cost him less than 100 to ship 50 lbs back. There is much less than 50 lbs of my stuff there. He just has to take it pack it into my suitcase which is with him, take it to the airport. His response "Just thinking of going to LAX scares me". Really????

I don't feel like I will get my stuff back. I am not a thief though. I also don't want to be taken advantage of yet again. If I don't get my stuff back, why should he get his? Constant argument in my head. I know you can't tell me what to do - but maybe you can give me thoughts on all of this. It is a pattern of mine. If I get him his stuff back and I don't get mine I will be setting myself up for even more 'self talk abuse'. Any takers on this one?

 

[scout86]

Any takers on this one?

Me!

This is a simple business transaction. He can have his stuff just as soon as you have proof that yours in on the way. Think of it as a prisoner exchange, if that helps.

I used to ship stuff (cookies, books, sun screen....) to Iraq a lot. The USPS has some fairly good deals. They have boxes where you can ship everything you can stuff in a box for a flat fee. They have deals where they will pick stuff up at your house.There are a multitude of options.

Is he really so messed up that he can't handle going to the airport & has no one who would go for him? LAX is the ONLY airport that will work? It's not the only airport THERE.

Here's what I would tell that "voice" in your head. At least it works for me. "This is a simple business transaction. He deserves his stuff, I deserve mine. He can have his when I get mine." That would stand up in court I'm really sure.

I've done this. It was both fun and liberating, once i got into it. Consider it an exercise in healing.

I don't suppose you know anyone who could go pick your stuff up, just to even that part of the deal out? I'd be glad to, but it's kind of a long drive.

 

[illusionist]

I totally go with scout on this one....I see it as a business transaction as well. On reading your post shimmerz my thought was hold onto his stuff until a suitable agreement is made and he carries out his part.

 

[shimmerz]

Is he really so messed up that he can't handle going to the airport & has no one who would go for him?

No. He is actually very competent. He just can't be bothered is my thinking. Of course I can't make him. I would love to be in a position where I just show up at his door and 'pick my shit up'. Of course, I can't do this and of course he knows it. He actually was not like this at all during our relationship. This has hit me out of left field.

 

[Born to Run]

If the friend of his can pick up his stuff at your place, could this friend not bring your stuff when picking up his stuff? Like an exchange. Wow what a bummer this is.

 

[shimmerz]

I wish it was that easy Born. He is in Santa Monica CA and his friend and I are in Toronto area Canada.

 

[Friday]

It's collateral.

You have no reason to trust that he'll actually mail your stuff to you, even if you prepay all shipping charges (I've done that a ton, it's a hassle, but doable), because he has jacked you over already and because he has flat out lobbed excuses at you as to why he won't &/or shouldn't, blah, blah, blah.

Personally... I would go one step further if he continues to dilly dally: send him notice that if your stuff is not returned to you in XYZ timeframe that you will be forced to sell his in order to recoup some of your losses. It isn't what you would like to do, you would like your things back, but if he's unwilling to return your belongings you are without any other reasonable recourse.

There's ways to say that all diplomatic like, but the bottom line is he's already f*cked you over more than once. If he doesn't care about his stuff enough for it to be used as leverage to make him do the right thing? Then you are perfectly within your rights to sell his off to meet the expenses he is creating by refusing to return your belongings.

 

[jaccat]

As FridayJones said.

 

[Hope4Now]

At the risk of being pilloried for wimpiness...my honest answer requires first that you answer a question for yourself.
Why do you want your stuff back? Is it truly necessary and irreplaceable, or is it more because of the principle of the thing?
If the answer is that it is necessary and irreplaceable, then I'd agree with others...tell him you'll return his stuff once you get yours.

If it's the latter and you can liberate it, then I'd just give his stuff to his friend and be done with all of it.

You might like this little buddhist tale: (edited just now realized this is a Catholicized version of a Zen story...but it makes the same point...)
Two monks were making a pilgrimage to venerate the relics of a great Saint. During the course of their journey, they came to a river where they met a beautiful young woman -- an apparently worldly creature, dressed in expensive finery and with her hair done up in the latest fashion. She was afraid of the current and afraid of ruining her lovely clothing, so asked the brothers if they might carry her across the river.

The younger and more exacting of the brothers was offended at the very idea and turned away with an attitude of disgust. The older brother didn't hesitate, and quickly picked the woman up on his shoulders, carried her across the river, and set her down on the other side. She thanked him and went on her way, and the brother waded back through the waters.

The monks resumed their walk, the older one in perfect equanimity and enjoying the beautiful countryside, while the younger one grew more and more brooding and distracted, so much so that he could keep his silence no longer and suddenly burst out, "Brother, we are taught to avoid contact with women, and there you were, not just touching a woman, but carrying her on your shoulders!"

The older monk looked at the younger with a loving, pitiful smile and said, "Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river; you are still carrying her."

 

[shimmerz]

Is it truly necessary and irreplaceable, or is it more because of the principle of the thing?

My incorporation stuff is extremely important. I actually had to pull out any money in that account because he had just been given signing authority. He has all of my banking information and so on for this account. Plus, I can't file tax shit until I get all of my papers etc.... I am willing to let it all go on principle though. I don't beg.

And of course the makeup brushes are important too. They are Quo's. With much thought and consideration, I am willing to let those go too... I'll just wear sunglasses to hide the dark circles these days. :cool:

I think he got pissed off because I got a bad haircut before I left. I didn't fit the 'hot chick' persona that he had seen me as, with a mullet somehow. :oops: He is a big CA man now ya know. He had an image to live up to. Flip flops and Hawaiian shirts now.

He keeps reminding me that he has 'zero emotional attachment' to material things. He contacts me on and off reminding me to contact his friend with my son's phone number so he can 'pick his stuff up'. I have been clear. Best that you send me my stuff then.... I now have him on ignore but I need to put this to bed. It is bugging me.

"Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river; you are still carrying her."

And this is my concern. Will I 'carry him' more if I get f*cked over yet again? My feeling is yes....

 

[Hope4Now]

And this is my concern. Will I 'carry him' more if I get f*cked over yet again? My feeling is yes....

Then you need to listen to your SELF and do something because it's a bit of a frozen/stalemate and...pardon my terrible bluntness here...but you are hurting yourself by worrying over this decision instead of resolving it. You have the power here, dear friend, although it may not feel like it. Why? Because you have a choice. There isn't a right answer. What you choose could have a sucky outcome or a good one. Hard to know...you can't control that...just the action(s) you take. You can get most papers replaced (I suspect even incorporation ones)...think fires and floods.

You can call his friend to pick up his stuff, and see if the :poop: has the integrity to return the favor to you. If you make the choice to let it go, then you're not getting f*cked unless you're doing that because you feel like you have to. Does that make sense?

You can issue an ultimatum...that if your stuff isn't returned to you within 10 days, you will give away/sell his stuff. Do it by certified mail and specify a date...keep copies, etc. (You have to be prepared to make good on that and not feel guilty about sticking to your challenge).

I hate making decisions, and this certainly is a tough one that is emotionally fraught. Perhaps you'll feel much better when you commit to one course of action and don't doubt yourself. I hope so.

 

[shimmerz]

You can issue an ultimatum

Yes, I think in looking at this posting that this is what I need to do. This is what I would like to have happen. I like Scouts idea of USPS, I looked that up, I like Fridays idea of putting a drop dead date on it with exactly what I want and what will happen if that doesn't come to fruition. He obviously wants his stuff or he wouldn't keep contacting me. So yes, it is collateral. Looking at past behaviours I can see he has no interest in - well anything - without some sort of loss on his end. And yes, I do want this over with. It is stupid giving up neuro slices on this stuff.