Needing Some Help Adjusting Behaviour

[The Albatross]

Oh I disagree... rationally I do think understanding/education is a necessary component.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I do too albatross, that's what I mean when I say I don't have those tools and need to learn them. I might not be understanding you correctly and don't really understand what you're disagreeing with?

 

[The Albatross]

I don't think I have or understand those skills.

Um yeah, yeah you do.

 

[The Albatross]

Dig deep... and reorient to a place where intent and compassion is valued.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@scout86 I think what I meant was that I know that I can't see or feel how I ought to, and while other people are right in what they are telling me that I ought to feel, I still have to work with what I personally do feel, however messed up it might be, I've learned that there's no point denying those feelings because I see them as wrong.

 

[shimmerz]

I became overwhelmed by the situation, but instead of accepting the reassuring comments, my reaction is to disagree, argue and dismiss all of them -

Not sure at all if this applies, but for me this would be overwhelming because of a 'mobbing' feeling to it. I see the 'all of them' in this statement more than anything else. I may be totally off base .... but I know for me this would be difficult.

 

[scout86]

Actually @Meadowsweet , I'm not sure there's any such things as how you "ought" to feel. You feel what you feel. Other people might feel differently, that's ok. Other people might not understand how you feel, that's ok too. What ever you DO feel is ok. But, yeah, sometimes it's not easy to figure out exactly what it is that you are feeling too.

 

[Friday]

$5 says that you don't accept compliments well, either.

If so... That's one of the best things I've found in my own life to work towards allowing other people their own thoughts and opinions when I'm emotionally invested in something. Work on it when it's uncomfortable, but it's the only iron in the fire.

When someone compliments me ( :wtf: GAK!) don't dismiss it, make a joke about it, minimize it, argue it, look for ulterior motives, or in any other way invalidate their thoughts & feelings. I'm free to think they're an idiot, but I am not free to; jump their shit, roll my eyes, disagree with them (what someone else thinks about me is none of my business), or in any other way negate or neutralize what they're saying.

If I can't accept it gracefully? Say nothing. (Personally, I tend to wink at them when I'm edgy. No words required. & Less awkward than pretending momentary deafness. Especially when -Yikes!- they think I haven't heard them, and repeat it.). But accepting compliments gracefully during an emotionally null moment is the aim. IE? Say 'Thank You.'

It's not easy.

It is however, easier to not argue with them then, than when I'm all spun up about something else. In other words? It's good practice.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@FridayJones

I guess it takes me a while to come down from what has happened, and these conversations tend to happen when my head is still spinning from that aggression coming at me.

@scout86 , 'ought' to is a bad word, I know :oops:. But I can tell by other peoples reactions, that my inner reaction is bigger than it should be and because I know I have PTSD, I kind of look out for that. My inward response comes from past experiences and is triggered by the current one, even though the current one isn't as bad.

Trying to cut myself some slack here, I did manage to see that people were trying to reassure me and recognise that I wasn't in a good place with what had happened - so that's something to build on. And I think I'm recognising now that I wanted quiet, and needed some time to find some safe space to calm myself down in. But logically, I need to stop talking and remove myself from the situation to get that - but that feels like letting the shield down to do that - it's like my voice and keeping talking is the only thing that is keeping people away, except it's not, because people have a tendency to keep answering. I'm thinking maybe to have a phrase I can use, like "I need some quiet to take in what is going on"

@FridayJones , yes I have historically struggled with compliments. But have pretty much conquered that one - I say "thank you" and carry on, and tend to be unaffected either way by their opinion. I did that by starting to just say thank you in response, despite what I was feeling inside. So I think if I can find something easy to remember to say in a crises, that might help with this too.

 

[scout86]

And I think I'm recognising now that I wanted quiet, and needed some time to find some safe space to calm myself down in. But logically, I need to stop talking and remove myself from the situation to get that

Or, maybe, you could not stop talking but say to those around you, "I'll be ok, thanks, I just need some space and some quiet to calm myself down." Maybe?

 

[Meadowsweet]

@scout86 , a more common response for me, when in front of people is to say 'I'm ok thanks' and hide how I'm feeling. It's like 2 extremes, but they both have the same outcome = to put a barrier between myself and people.

 

[ghotiff]

I'm coming in late to this thread but what struck me was the people telling you it would be okay.

For me this type of language was used about my abuse, and my interpretation of it is if I'm not dead, then I'm "okay". ...the fact that I feel like I'm dying, doesn't count. So for me these phrases are not helpful, they feel minimizing.

Maybe that helps you understand where your thoughts are coming from