Sexual Assault Triggered By Boyfriend... Now Having Trouble Feeling Safe

[aev3]

Hi all, I had an incident with my boyfriend recently, and I'm not really sure how to move past it. I'd love any insight that anyone else who's been in a similar situation can provide.

First of all, my boyfriend has been my platonic best friend for the last 4 years, and only recently (about three months) did we take things to the next level. He is the only person in the entire history of my life that I have ever actually fully trusted, and he is the only person with whom I've ever felt safe. Being physically intimate with him is the only time in my entire life that I've felt present, pleasurable, and embodied during sex, which was a wonderful and healing experience.

I'm C-PTSD (attachment trauma/childhood abuse bordering on ritual sadism/multiple domestic abuse/multiple rape/multiple childhood sexual abuse, oy) and the last few months have really been a resurgence of old memories. Once I found myself in a safe environment, the floodgates opened, and the past few months have been really very rough. My boyfriend is an absolute godsend - he has been with me through every hellish step of the way, from the ER after my suicide attempt, through all of my dissociation and flashbacks. Recently, I've been having intense flashbacks, most of them focused on one rape in particular - a high school boyfriend, who was sexually abusive and exploitative for the three years we dated.

Anyway, during sex with my current boyfriend, he said something that reminded me of the initial rape by my ex, and it hit me like a freight train. I started hyperventilating and sobbing and we stopped immediately, and my boyfriend felt horrible. I know he would never hurt me; he's been my closest friend for so long, and he adores me. But after that night, I haven't been able to feel safe around him or trust him.

I know in my head that he loves me and would never intentionally harm me (though, really, does "never" actually resonate for any of us with PTSD?) It's just that those old feelings of not being seen are there. Does anyone know what I mean? Like they're not really seeing you, just objectifying you, using you for their purposes. My ex used to use me for his personal "relief" (to put it mildly) without any regard to my well-being or desires, and he is not the only person in my history to do that. Now I have this wonderful loving man in my life, who wants nothing more than to make me feel good and safe, and I am too terrified to even be in the same bed as him.

Sorry for the long post. Has anyone ever experienced this before? And if so, does anyone have any advice?

Thank you, loves. Much health and healing to you all. :)

 

[shrinkingviolet]

Hello @aev3 . I actually had a similar incident today with my husband, burst into tears and major anxiety attack. I couldn't explain to him why I reacted as I did. It was as if my body had a memory that I couldn't recall. My husband kept talking to me, stating I was safe, I was with my husband and to look at him. I don't know if I have any good advice but having a partner who is compassionate and understanding helps tremendously.

 

[pursuitofahappyheart]

I've had a similar experience too. It triggered my PTSD symptoms. Since then, I am unable to have sex with my boyfriend without feeling completely dissociated, followed by an anxiety attack. I thought that the more I put myself in that situation, the better it would be but I have just experienced worse symptoms. Last time I had an awful flashblack during it which has affected us so much that I am really close to walking away.

I think what you have on your side, is that your partner seems to be really understanding of your situation. As long as you keep communicating, you should be able to work through it. If you are in therapy, you might benefit from having him come with you for a session to talk strategies. If he is someone you truly want in your life, you have to be able to feel safe with him. You will be able to, it will just take time. Associating those past memories with new ones... Exposure therapy rather than avoiding those triggers, its like you have to acknowledge them. Much easier said than done, I know.

 

[Friday]

Anyway, during sex with my current boyfriend, he said something that reminded me of the initial rape by my ex, and it hit me like a freight train. I started hyperventilating and sobbing and we stopped immediately, and my boyfriend felt horrible. I know he would never hurt me; he's been my closest friend for so long, and he adores me. But after that night, I haven't been able to feel safe around him or trust him.

Yep. I consider it like being high, or having a concussion, or misplacing my emotions for a time... It's not real.

My being triggered? Has jack squat to do with them. It's 100% to do with me & my triggers. So I ignore the totally fake feelings of Blargh! and act as if they aren't real. Because feelings aren't reality. Especially if they come from some outside source (like being triggered, being on pain meds post surgery, banging my noggin, etc.).

The more I justify my stressor/trigger as being about them? As if it's real? Snort. The stronger it associates, and the less I can do anything about it. It has little if anything to do with them. It is a past even superglueing itself to the present. It's not real. And it can bite me.

One of the things that really helped with this, for me, was having a hypoglycemic kiddo. No matter what, he would wake up in full demon-fury-rage. Now... I could treat that like its "real", insist on good behavior & punish bad behavior, or I could stick a milk cup in his mouth as he was screaming... And oh! Sluuuuuuurp! Milk go bye bye, & rational reasonable child returns. Over time he never learned to "stop" waking up with low blood sugar ;) What he did learn was to go straight to the fridge & pound some milk or OJ before interacting with anyone.

I usually don't learn well by example. I usually have to do a thug myself to really grok it. But for some reason, seeing my kid go from fury to smiles. It just clicked. Oh. Right. Not everything I feel is real.

 

[GWhizz]

Unfortunately I can relate.

But you know what the good thing to take from all of this is? How your boyfriend reacted. He was there to comfort and reassure you in a scary situation. That's how we begin to learn to heal and develop positive associations from a former negative situation. It doesn't make what happened any easier. But at least you are now aware that it is a possibility but that you and your boyfriend can work on strategies to help support you to cope through it. If he can help you feel safe and grounded that is great.

Remember, it wasn't him that made you feel unsafe. He didn't hurt you. Your brain just has negative memories that it will associate to how something is said, something someone does etc. But if you can learn to feel safe and know that the situation is no longer dangerous, that's a great way to go.

Unfortunately, our brains have it quite well ingrained to react negatively to any possible reminder of our abuse as it's perceived as a threat. It's not easy. But your boyfriend certainly sounds as though he wants to be there for you and find a way to help you through it.

Hope you're feeling okay now.