Relationship So Maybe I Am Not Understanding Enough

[Deleted member 28812]

1. My guy has some odd ideas, really odd ideas about percerived dangers. I told you of some. "Dirt is dangerous", "hands in your pockets are dangerous", "the older boy needs to learn to obey - everything else is dangerous".

And sometimes we fuss about this and our arguments go like this:
-"The boy needs to learn to do as he is told", "The ... is dirty"
- "Can you only complain?"
- both dissing the other
and to be honest while he mostly starts with complaining about a thing I am the one who fights "uglier" because I feel insulted

I don't think that this is good. How do people manage to keep calm in an emotional situation. How would you react if your vet told you that you are dirty or that your kid is a brat (in front of the kid). I understand that he is afraid but I don't want to be talked like that/ don't want him to talk to the boy like that.
Lately he is very prone to giving our boy timeouts for not obeying - e.g. boy was playing in the yard and I called for him, he did not come, husband gave him a time out in his room so that he should learn to come when he is called. Thinking behind this: one day in case of emergency obedience could be important for him. I think iot may be over the top.
:( I am not saying this to smear him and feel bad talking about this.

2. My guy felt suicidal before I was pregnant with our first child. He told me but we did not discuss it so much. I did not really know if he wanted to discuss it because he is not that kind of guy who does discuss this kind of things.
He did not discuss it back then and I did not even realize.
He is pretty well adjusted and coped on his own and he sees himself as the protector but I still want him to know he can ask me for help if he needs it. I want him to know he does no need to be that strong.

 

[Sighs]

My vet often 'complains' that I haven't done some household task to standard. I do them to MY standard (which is probably more carefully than I used to do them, but still not as perfect as he would like.) I just ignore him because I know that its not really about the housework - its about his anxiety. (Of course it hurts my feelings sometimes and I think - do it your bloody self mate! But I try not to say it!)

Kids.... whole different problem. My vet's kids are grown up. We have two dogs. Well, they are both his dogs really because I work full time and he is at home. I often think he is too hard on the dogs. Not to the point of cruelty, but he expects very good behaviour at ALL times. I would probably let things slide more. I do NOT intervene because they are HIS dogs. Having said that, the adult dog that he had before he met me is the most well trained animal I've ever met. The pup is only 6 months old, but she is also doing really well. Obviously, I would feel differently about this if they were kids and especially if they were my children too. Its a really difficult one. Hope someone has some useful advice for you. :hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

I can stay pretty calm if my vet is griping at me... but I do not have a lot of tolerance if he criticizes my kids. That's when I turn into a Momma-bear. He doesn't do it a lot, but he tends to think I baby my kids, so he tells me I need to cut the cord or they won't be able to function etc. I usually tell him to blow it out his ass... in a loving way lol. He knows me and my personality though. I have my limits, and my kids are a no-go zone.

Of course, my kids are much older, and they are not his. That probably makes a big difference in the situation.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

He does not criticize the baby, but he criticizes the toddler. He is not cruel but very strict and I think that he is often too strict... but then I am not sure what is worse. Him being to strict or us fussing in front of the boy about parenting.

My parents fussed about parenting in front of us kids. I hated it so much.

Should I be more understanding. I told our toddler "You know, Daddy is just so strict because he loves you so much and he does not want you to get hurt".

Sometimes I feel like a bad spouse because I am not very understanding - I have no clue what is going on inside his mind. Of course it would be also his job to tell me...

I don't know if I should talk with him about his thoughts of suicide again because they could be a thing of the past. My guy copes really well/ seems to cope really well??? How can I know?

He does not seem to be depressed now and he did not seem to be depressed then.

 

[Justmehere]

And sometimes we fuss about this and our arguments go like this:
-"The boy needs to learn to do as he is told", "The ... is dirty"
- "Can you only complain?"
- both dissing the other
and to be honest while he mostly starts with complaining about a thing I am the one who fights "uglier" because I feel insulted

His almost obsessive behavior about things being dirty, that seems more like possible OCD rather than being directly PTSD related, especially because he seems so anxious about things being dirty. It seems to come up a lot for him based on things you have posted in the past. It also could be that it isn't a pathological thing, but that he is a really neat person, and you simply are not as neat as he is. (My goodness, as parents of very young children, he should be happy the house is half way livable. Little kids those ages are a lot of work! Most parent's I know with a baby and a toddler have pretty messy houses much of the time, because it's just a lot to keep up with. It's part of that stage of life... )

Anyhow, the fact that his behavior seems to fear based seems like this is about more than just him preferring things to be more clean. However, whatever is going on for him, he should try to learn to compromise, and understand your needs, just as much as you try to understand his, around how clean things are or not. The same goes for your differing views on how to parent and discipline your children. It will likely become an even bigger issue as the baby grows older too.

I would suggest that in a calm moment, when things are going well, to praise him on a few things you like about him, and then ask if you and him can work out some kind of agreement on neatness vs "dirtiness" and how to discipline your son. And maybe how to handle disagreements, and set some boundaries on not calling your kids names like brat when you both are upset.

If you and him can't work it out on your own, meeting with a couple's therapist might help. If he won't do it for your sake, maybe he would do it for the sake of consistent parenting for your kids, or getting his needs met in a way that works better for you too.

How do people manage to keep calm in an emotional situation.

It's hard, especially when kids are involved. The more calm you can be, the more likely he is to hear you out better. If you want tips on how to remain clam in the moment, check out info on mindfulness or relaxation. Something as simple as taking some slow deep breaths, and taking a few moments space before engaging might help you to be calmer. Being calm doesn't mean that you are not emotional, or that you don't care, but being calm will help both of you not escalate into a verbal argument that doesn't really solve much. It's easy to say, hard to do.

One really good thing to possibly look into is something called non-violent communication- also called NVC. There is a lot of info on this online. The word violent is not the best word, as the communication skills for NVC have little to do with "violence" and everything to do with how to resolve disagreements and conflict effectively. I use it quite a bit in a number of situations, and it helps a lot - especially when I feel really emotional about something.

How would you react if your vet told you that you are dirty or that your kid is a brat (in front of the kid).

I would probably be really mad. These kinds of things are hurtful and having PTSD doesn't excuse it. Parents without PTSD sometimes say these things, and it's not ok. Insulting kids never helps the kid improve behavior, nor does telling someone they are dirty and insulting them.

I understand that he is afraid but I don't want to be talked like that/ don't want him to talk to the boy like that.

Good! I'm glad you do make this clear to him and stand up for your needs.

I don't know if I should talk with him about his thoughts of suicide again because they could be a thing of the past. My guy copes really well/ seems to cope really well??? How can I know?

He doesn't actually seem to be coping well when he seeks to be so anxious and fearful of things being dirty, insulting his spouse, and being fairly controlling with his son. That's not a guy who is coping well with the bumps and realities of normal life with a toddler well. His irritably could be a sign of depression. He could also just have different views on parenting, and his style of parenting is stirring up bad experiences you has as a kid. No matter what, your views on parenting are just as valid as his.

As for the suicidality, is there something specific that is prompting you to feel concerned about it now? Or is it a general concern you have? (It makes sense to be concerned from time to time. Having a loved one struggle so much they wanted to end their own life is a hard thing, and can even be traumatic, as it is a real threat to his life.)

I get the overall sense that he is someone who is probably scared of vulnerability, weakness, messiness, things being out of control.

I still want him to know he can ask me for help if he needs it. I want him to know he does no need to be that strong.

Tell him this. Keep reminding him of this from time to time, gently, and hopefully, if he gets in a really bad place again, he will tell you again. That it's ok to not be all ok, or all in control.

 

[Fadeaway]

I don't normally give parenting advice. Here is my concern, the fussing in front of the child is a pretty big problem. I am worried that his behavior is going to create self esteem issues in your kids and extreme insecurity.

I would try telling him something like this. If a kid fears punishment for not coming right away when called they are going to delay longer. Kids respond better to rewards. I child that gets a favorite treat on occasion when they come right away when called is going to respond quickly in hope that they might get a treat. I understand his thinking but I don't think his solution is helpful.

They say you should always back the other parent, even if you disagree, when in front of the child. When the child is not around, then you can discuss it.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

@Justmethere: He does not seem to be suicidal right now. It is just a general concern.
He lost his job and while he doesn't seem to be too sad about or even happy that it happened this it might hurt him inside because his job ment a lot to him.

Do you know books about NVC?