iwannadeletethis
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Is that them or you?
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How Does Someone Make You Feel Alone?
- Post starter iwannadeletethis
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In nearly every case in psych, when presented with an either/or question? The answer is usually yes.
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iwannadeletethis
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I'm good with connecting with people.
He doesn't really have friends, but I don't either. But when it's just us talking it's generally ok. It's only been recently that he'll actually listen to my trauma without getting angry or telling me to stop talking.. That he already "knows me". He does say terrible things to me.. Like he'll never be as proud of me as he is his kids or his art. If I'm confident he gets mad, if I'm modest I'm not qualified enough for what I'm talking about. He's always telling me to stop my facial expressions, or to stop whistling or whatever. He seems to be trying recently, though he did walk in on my dance class last night with inappropriate comments. I'm just trying to figure this out so I don't pick someone else like this. But I also keep hoping he will be kinder to me again. And in the meantime, trying to apply to backup plans, like the peace corp.
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iwannadeletethis
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So both?
Eagle3
Platinum Member
I'm in a sort of relationship right now, that sounds similar. This guy may occasionally take the time to listen if its just the two of us, but if other people are around, I don't exist. He's sexist, narcissistic, arrogant, never-wrong, and hyper-critical. I never know if I matter to him at all. I have a really hard time connecting to people, but I know this guy is just as traumatized and stand-offish as I am. good thing we aren't actually in a "couple" relationship! But that doesn't change the fact that I would give anything to get a real, heart-felt hug from this guy, to hear him say something caring, and let me know he actually cares about me as a friend. Don't think it'll ever happen, but I keep hoping. To answer your question, it usually a little of both, but we can't control how sick people are going to treat us. If its bad enough, just have to leave them to wallow in their own filth.
joeylittle
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No one can make you feel anything. You are responsible for your own thoughts and feelings in a situation.
So, if it seems like someone is 'making' you feel a certain way, what is actually happening is that there is something that person is doing - a way of being, an action, a way of communicating - that is creating a response in you. Right now, that response is to think a thought/feel a feeling of being alone.
You need to identify what actions create that kind of response - and then examine how you can have a different response. Is your response legit, or is it influenced by insecurity, fear, distortion, whatever.
Another way to ask yourself that is, "what would not feeling alone look like?" - how would that become a reality, for you? Don't think about what you want him to do. Think only about what you want. Example: I never felt really physically connected to my ex. I thought the answer to that was he needed to touch me more. Actually, the issue was, I didn't want to touch him. Not because I thought he was gross. Because I thought that if I initiated it, it wasn't as meaningful. I was looking for him to validate my being in his life through physical connection. That;s not his job. Then, I figured out that actually, when I touched him, it didn't feel like anything came back. And after looking at it with pretty clear eyes, I felt confident knowing that I was understanding it correctly. He was very physically shut down. I don't want that in a partner. And that makes it time to go elsewhere.
Don't know if this helps. Just, it's important to pay attention to how you can work with YOU - kind of like, how you don't feel alone when you are with yourself. And then, see whether there's something you and he can talk about to make things better.
So, if it seems like someone is 'making' you feel a certain way, what is actually happening is that there is something that person is doing - a way of being, an action, a way of communicating - that is creating a response in you. Right now, that response is to think a thought/feel a feeling of being alone.
You need to identify what actions create that kind of response - and then examine how you can have a different response. Is your response legit, or is it influenced by insecurity, fear, distortion, whatever.
Another way to ask yourself that is, "what would not feeling alone look like?" - how would that become a reality, for you? Don't think about what you want him to do. Think only about what you want. Example: I never felt really physically connected to my ex. I thought the answer to that was he needed to touch me more. Actually, the issue was, I didn't want to touch him. Not because I thought he was gross. Because I thought that if I initiated it, it wasn't as meaningful. I was looking for him to validate my being in his life through physical connection. That;s not his job. Then, I figured out that actually, when I touched him, it didn't feel like anything came back. And after looking at it with pretty clear eyes, I felt confident knowing that I was understanding it correctly. He was very physically shut down. I don't want that in a partner. And that makes it time to go elsewhere.
Don't know if this helps. Just, it's important to pay attention to how you can work with YOU - kind of like, how you don't feel alone when you are with yourself. And then, see whether there's something you and he can talk about to make things better.
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iwannadeletethis
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iwannadeletethis
Gold Member
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Oh weird @Anarchy. Did you notice the duck looks angry but the bunny looks sweet? (JMHO). Or rather, I get a different feeling from looking at the 'angry' duck than the (in motion/ gentle-eyed) bunny. :confused:
Maybe feedback/ cues influences it @Skitzii ? (Including our internal environment.)
ETA, well I looked again & the duck doesn't look so angry, but the rabbit looks sweeter/ gentler. :p
Maybe feedback/ cues influences it @Skitzii ? (Including our internal environment.)
ETA, well I looked again & the duck doesn't look so angry, but the rabbit looks sweeter/ gentler. :p
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