I Wanna Die

[Chava]

I'm a piece of shit, I try really hard every day and still don't get it (being alive, in my life and body). I can't explain much tonight. But I find myself trying to apologize for being so defective, but I don't know who to even apologize to since I don't believe in god or anything. I also want to stop burdening my therapist. But really I'm just tired of my life. I reach out for help and people forget that we were going to meet, don't return calls, don't respond to e-mails, and I find the only reliable place to get help is the ER but then I might as well be dead because I can't afford ambulance bills. The last one will empty my savings account.

Sorry to suck so much. I feel like I was born a piece of shit and no matter what I do, I can't change that. So I don't know what the point is. Is it a joke?

 

[CRPS]

These are all negative thoughts and although it might be tough now, try and find something (even if small) in your life to be grateful for. Believe me, I know from experience that it can be tough however once you and others are able to start focusing on positive aspects of your life, before you know it. you will start focusing on those instead. I'm there myself now and it's very difficult for me to do so I'm struggling myself but trying and not giving up as of yet.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Chava , feeling like sh*t doesn't make you sh*t. You are not that to me.

:hug:

 

[Flossy]

You're not a piece of shit...you knew I would say that, or at least someone would say it :). For a start, you are working hard on yourself, really really, fkg hard. In many areas. With many people and groups of people. Some people are assholes.
Them not turning up and not returning calls or emails has fkd you up. That's what it is from.

Wanting to apologise is part of PTSD. I do it too when I am f#cked up, but I am doing it less and less.

Your therapist is getting paid to hear your story and to help you. They studied for years and years to do so. That is their vocation. This is PTSD thinking and talking. It is distorted thinking. If you asked your therapist right now they would not say you are a burden.

I thought I was a piece of shit my whole life. Then I realised it was my family. They are shit and they caused me to believe I am a piece of shit.

You were not born a piece of shit. Someone broke you or something broke you. You are broken, that does not make you worthless. You are working so hard, you are going to succeed. Anyone who works so hard has to succeed, you just cant see it right now. But I can see it in you. I can see you are where I was just a few years ago and you are so young. I was old before I realised WTF was going on. So imagine with all this learning and changing and one day you will be a grownup and you will be amazed. Truly amazed.

f*cking ambulance eh? Is there a contribution system you can start up when you are feeling better so it doesnt cost you?

You need to go do something soothing NOW. Go outside , go sit in the dirt, sit in the tub with water in it, talk to your dog and cry. and make a note, so you remember. that you are going to change the person who is your "go to" person in AA. They acted like an asshole. You dont need one more asshole in your life.

Pat/stroke on your little head. So sorry. ((()))

 

[Kailani]

I feel practically the same exact way Chava; you are not alone. Wish I could be more helpful. Maybe later. Sorry. Cabs to er not ambulances. Or rides from friends. Wish you didn't feel like this!!!!! Glad you are reaching out

 

[Milu]

Hi Chava. I just joined this forum. Your post was the first one I have seen...the first thing there...and as I started reading (I was crying before I started reading..I joined this because I feel so lost and need SOMETHING) I was crying and reached out to touch the screen. I know how you feel. I have that same pain. And right now I feel alone like you do too. And I also feel like the biggest piece of shit to grow legs and walk. I don't have any good advice. I'm sorry. But, I just wanted to let you know that your post is the first thing to make me see that I'm really not alone in this. There are people out there that have this bullshit too. And some how...as demented as it is...kind of gave me a glimmer of hope.

 

[Tanishq]

@Chava you are wonderful person, not piece of shit. :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

I feel like I was born a piece of shit and no matter what I do, I can't change that.

You were born human and no, you can't change that. Unfortunately no one relayed to you along the way that being human is a good and acceptable thing to be. Someone should have.

Your humanity is okay with me, for one. I'm sorry you are wanting to die. It's painful beyond words, I know.

I'm glad you are here. You don't have to apologize for a thing.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Flossy I could be wrong but I think @Chava is in her 40's.

 

[Stickler]

You were treated like it, but you are not that.

You are NOT what this emotional flashback is telling you you are.

Observe it. It will crest like a wave and pass.

 

[Tinyflame]

I find the only reliable place to get help is the ER but then I might as well be dead because I can't afford ambulance bills

@Chava what about taking a taxi to the ER instead of an ambulance?

 

[Flossy]

@Flossy I could be wrong but I think @Chava is in her 40's.

OK. I'm in my early sixties, so she's still 20 years ahead. :) Thanks Junebug.

I tried once to put a signature up that makes it easier to remember everyone's circumstances. Not sure if the tech side of the forum has data space for that, but it does make it easier to remember everyone's circumstances without going to profiles. @anthony Is it a burden on the drive thingy, memory thingy or database thingy :)