Not Coping, Head Fit To Burst

[Teasel]

I don't know where to post this

I'm having such a terrible terrible time of it at the moment. There is a raging argument going on in my head, I have no self esteem or sense of worth, have been becoming more and more isolated and I'm pretty isolated to begin with.

Have recently opened up to T in a way I have never been able to do with anyone and it's like the floodgates have opened only I've no-one to tell all this stuff in my head - I can't tell if I'm feeling like the kid I was or am actually going through something - my perceptions are utterly negative - I habve no idea what's reality and what the past.

I have been through things where I was humiliated and scorned by everyone I know - as a child and repeated as an adult and fear the same is happening again.

Opening up about anything vulnerable is so difficult for me that I just clam up and can't express it properly at all so if you get any sense out of what I'm saying please multiply it by 10 to get an idea of what I can't say

My nerves are so frazzled I just feel like I could explode - please any tips / comforting words / anything.

Many thanks

 

[MrsBeasley86]

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time! But you are not alone. You have all of us here! We are all struggling but together we can help each other through. You are worth so much more than you think! Be strong!!

 

[Teasel]

Thankyou for hearing me @CBeasley86 xx

 

[MrsBeasley86]

Anytime! No one should feel alone :)

 

[City Slicker]

@Berlinda it makes so much sense that you are feeling so frazzled and vulnerable right now.

You mentioned having recently opened up to your therapist and become vulnerable. It's so natural to be feeling what you are feeling - times I opened up to people for the first time I felt like my train was going right off the rails and as you said, it was difficult to sort out what was what.

Your therapist will help you sort where the feelings are coming from but in the meantime, you are on such a good path to healing from what you have said.

Where you are at right now requires that you try to be as gentle with yourself through this as possible and know that by reaching out here and working with your therapist you are doing the 'heavy lifting' that getting healthy sometimes requires.

You can do this.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Maybe it would be best to write your inner thoughts and feelings out on paper first. That will give you time to think about exactly what you wish to say to your therapist, and how to say it. You could even hand the paper to yout therapist and let them read it, if you are uncomfortable in doing so. Another option is to record what you want to say while at home, where you would be more comfortable, and the let your therapist play it back.

 

[Gadgie]

Hi Berlinda, I know exactly what you are going through, only because I've been to that place, and it's not a good place to be, as well you know.

As previously suggested, write all your thoughts down, I have found that to be very helpful in the past.

What I would do is write good things in one column, and bad ones in another. When I did it my fingers were typing as fast as they could while trying to keep up with my brain, which was in full swing.

It doesn't matter about the spelling, or spacing, just get it out, you will find that when you eventually do finish, you will feel a lot better, a feeling of peace and silence will flow over you, and all them thoughts that were screaming in your head, are gone. Try it, and let us know how it goes, good luck.

 

[ReachingOutJ]

Berlinda, I have many of the same problems, and I empathize. Hugs if you accept them.

 

[Teasel]

@Berlinda it makes so much sense that you are feeling so frazzled and vulnerable...

Thanks everyone :)
And @City Slicker I think I needed to hear those words so much. Was able to relax for the first time in a good while aster reading them. Felt sorta like the girl told, and someone heard. Thanks xxx

 

[City Slicker]

Felt sorta like the girl told, and someone heard

Yes, that dear, scared little girl finally told, and you now have people that will hear.

 

[barefoot]

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I hear you and can empathise. Having that 'head about to burst' feeling is hideous. When I have it, I think of it as feeling like my head is just full of white noise because it's all so loud, busy and messy and just feels relentless....

You've allowed yourself to go to a vulnerable place, to share important stuff with your therapist...That's a really courageous thing to have done. So it's understandable, I think, that you're feeling shaken by the impact of that vulnerability now.

Hang in there - be kind to yourself as you work through this.

 

[Dana1010]

I have been through things where I was humiliated and scorned by everyone I know - as a child and repeated as an adult and fear the same is happening again.

This sentence struck a chord with me--I too was humiliated and scorned by everyone I knew--and a lot of people I didn't know--as a child, a teen, and as an adult. Mostly because of things that weren't my fault, but my parents'--but what the heck does anyone care who's at fault? It brings up the way I went around embarrassing myself as a young adult because of all the bizarre, inappropriate ways in which I'd been raised. People aren't very sensitive towards the socially awkward--I can still remember their scorching stares burning through me, and knowing something about my behavior was causing it, but not knowing how to change.

For what it's worth, I think you are probably imagining the part about the same thing happening to you now. You have some control now, so try to ground yourself and realize that the past is gone. I have an appointment with a new therapist in a couple days and am hoping to process the humiliation which is such a huge part of my history. So know that you are not alone in this, and when the dust settles, you will probably feel a lot healthier and cleaner inside.