How Do You Communicate With Someone With Ptsd?

[Justmehere]

I was asked this question today.

The question was specific to communication with me, and also "generally, to everyone with PTSD."

I didn't know how to answer the question. Generalizations are often dangerous anyhow. Plus, as I told them, PTSD isn't a communication related disorder. The same principals for communication that with others, also apply to me.

They kept asking about it in a variety of ways. It was a well meaning question. So I tried to answer it. Off the top of my head, this is what I told them:

1.) be honest
2.) listen
3.) don't be an jerk
4.) avoid generalizations
5.) be gentle but clear
6.) don't act like my savior and tell me what I should do
7.) respect that no really does mean no
8.) don't push me to talk about the trauma
9.) talk to me like you would other people without PTSD. It's a part of my life, sure, but it doesn't define me.

I didn't know what else to say. I wanted to tell them, "don't be an a jerk and you pretty much have it covered." But I realized not everyone knows how to talk with someone battling with PTSD without coming across like a jerk.

What would you tell someone?

 

[desiderata310]

1) I have PTSD. I'm not stupid or weak or wicked. Talk to me like a normal person.
2.) Don't be a dick.
3.) Be aware that I won't alway respond the way you think I should. It pisses ME off when I can't keep from acting that way.
4.) When I have a bad response (triggered/flashback/etc) give me space and run interference for me so I can recover.
5.) Respect boundaries. (just another way of saying don't be a dick)

 

[Kintsugi]

So... I saw the title of this, and I assumed it was a new supporter or something, then I saw the OP. I feel like this sort of question is posited fairly frequently (although perhaps not as straiight-forwardly) in the supporter sections.

I really think that PTSD is too amorphous a creature to be pinned down neatly in a list of dos and do-nots. "Don't be a dick" are words to live by regardless. Stressors for sufferers are often far-flung and variable, and those, I think, are the crux of the problem when it comes to generalizations such as these. I'm not even sure I could explain how to talk to me as a sufferer, let alone others. :meh:

 

[desiderata310]

Don't be a dick is kind of the golden rule

 

[scout86]

If I were going to add one thing to the list (and I guess I am :)) it would be "listen to what I'm saying and make sure you hear me before you go on, making assumptions."

True for everyone, I guess. We all want to be heard. But I get the impression that a lot of people who want to be supportive think they know "the answer" to whatever, and are wanting a chance to tell you the answer, more than they want to listen to you. For example, if I say, "It really bothers me when someone sneaks up behind me, then touches my arm to get my attention." I HATE it when the response is "Oh, that's not such a big deal, you should just get used to it." :eek: That is NOT how to communicate with ANYONE, but I particularly think it doesn't go well with PTSD.

 

[Justmehere]

Yeah, I agree with all the comments about how basic this is. It felt like they were asking me how to breathe. Um, you just breathe in and breathe out. The end.

Sigh.

But their heart was genuine, so I have been trying to spell it out. We have been communicating by email about it.

People make a lot of assumptions about others. You know the saying, "you make an ass out of you and me when you assume..." People seem to love to give unasked advice and assume that what applies to them applies to everyone else. It's human nature. I try to avoid it, but I am sure I do it myself. People do it with PTSD and cancer and getting divorced and even what umbrella is best to use in the rain.

I feel like all there is to say to this guy are very common basic things that apply to all of humanity.

The overall thing I keep wanting to say is "STOP MAKING IT ALL ABOUT PTSD. My name is (justmehere) and I happen to have PTSD. Communicate like I'm a human. The end."

I think maybe this thread is less about what to say, and more how to handle really well meaning but dumb stuff people ask about PTSD.

Or maybe it's me feeling so stupid lately and wanting to come up with something better than "Seriously?!"

I like the "don't be a dick" advice. That sums it up really well. :)

 

[I'm not a robot]

Okay, I don't have PTSD but my husband of 33 years does and I totally understand the question being asked. There is so much information for people with PTSD but little for those who truly love the one with PTSD. I am never a dick. I speak calmly. I am very careful with my tone, what I say and how I say it but no matter what the subject is, my husband gets defensive, shuts down, detaches, etc. It's hard. It's a life of constantly walking on egg shells. Having to be unemotional so you won't trigger them and it gets very lonely and fearful. It's a roller coaster ride. You love them, and you would do anything to give them peace, so you sacrifice your own needs. You dream of having a normal conversation without being verbally attacked or worse yet emotionally disconects from you. So what they are asking, is hiw do you appear someone and speak to them when ptsd symptoms are high. The bottom line is the person with ptsd has certain needs and bounderies but so does the person living and loving beside them. What's the compromise on communication?

 

[scout86]

What's the compromise on communication?

It sounds to me like your husband needs to work on his own stuff, and take responsibility for it.

I speak calmly. I am very careful with my tone, what I say and how I say it

You shouldn't have to do this. You should be able to be "You". Personally, I find it annoying when I can tell people are working very hard to say the "right" thing to me. I tend to take it as patronizing. That's probably not how they mean it, but it often comes off as "You poor fragile thing! I need to trend carefully not to upset you." I HATE that. (Don't get it much either.) I don't mean you should run around pushing every button you can find. Just that you have as much of a right to be "You" as he does to be "Him". I would guess he married you because he loved YOU. At least I hope so.

I can only speak for myself. I don't expect anyone else to take responsibility for not triggering me, especially if that involves them being unemotional and walking on eggshells. No one should have to live that way!

The compromise on communication? I think both parties need to respect each other, value each other, appreciate each other, and listen to each other. And both parties should feel free to be honest. PTSD or not.

My name is (justmehere) and I happen to have PTSD. Communicate like I'm a human. The end."

I like that!

I think maybe this thread is less about what to say, and more how to handle really well meaning but dumb stuff people ask about PTSD.

Remember, it doesn't seem dumb to them. It gets old, trying to make the same points over and over, but it's probably the first time for them. My dad used to say "the only stupid question is the one you're afraid to ask". I kind of like that too. And, maybe, the thing they need to understand is that you ARE still YOU, and you're not THAT much different than a "regular person".

BTW, @I'm not a robot, your husband sounds like he's often acting like a dick, with PTSD. I hope there's a bunch of good to go with the bad!

 

[DDD]

As a person with PTSD I would also suggest:

1) realize that if and when I go quiet, it is not about you..give me time and space;

2) refrain from asking a lot of questions...especially questions to which I could not possibly know the answer (i.e. why do you think they did that?);

3) realize that when you talk and talk and talk, it too can be overwhelming like asking a lot of questions, and if I do not respond it is not about you...

 

[EveHarrington]

I think the big thing is to simply communicate!

Actually talk using words.

That's big for me.

Actions can be misread waaaaay too easily. Same goes for tone.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

• When I tell you that something is triggering to me, don't ignore that and continue on hitting it on purpose. Triggers are my responsiblity but it would be nice to not be triggered on purpose or inflamed/provoked because you know how to get an emotional response from me.
• Hear me me when I speak. Don't plow over what I just said.
• Don't assume! Ask for clarification. Assuming is my biggest pet peeve.
• Equal respect. You demand it then you give it.
• Don't talk to me like I am a child. I am not.
• If I feel safe enough to tell you about my trauma don't start saying "I don't remember that" or "she wasn't that way when I was with her". People change. Things change. This smashes all safe feeling and trust.

Theres more Im sure but this is what I can think of right now.

 

[Tinyflame]

Be:
-kind
-courteous
-respectful
-attentive
-don't scream
-ask what you don't understand
-say what you mean
-try to be patient
-know in most cases the person is trying very hard
-know you don't see through (my/ our) eyes/ mind/ heart
-be sure you can live with what you say, if the other person was gone tomorrow

For all people.