General Sad To Angry - Insight From Sufferers Gratefully Accepted

[Sighs]

He has a heavy bag. And boxed for many years. Just the other day he was looking for his boxing trophies. We couldn't find them. We think the ex-wife either kept them or threw them out.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

He has a heavy bag. And boxed for many years. Just the other day he was looking for his boxing trophies....

That's a shame. I lost many things of personal value to me also, when I divorced.

 

[ghotiff]

Please excuse me if I'm off track.

If he feels sad, but feels that "anger" is a safer emotion for him to feel around you then my goal would be to help him feel safe in sadness.

His ex actively told him off for sadness. Can you comment positively on his sadness. I think the trick here would be how to do this without him feeling increased vulnerability.

 

[Sighs]

I've told him many times I'd rather deal with sad than angry! But, when he was sobbing like a child and trying to catch his breath and he managed to whimper "I can't be sad all the time - I can't - I can't" - my heart broke for him.

Contemplative sadness I think would be bearable. But wracking sobs are so painful that he feels that anger or numbness are infinitely easier for him. The sobbing distresses me but at times the anger frightens me. I wish he saw his therapist more often than for 30 minutes once every 3 months!

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

I've told him many times I'd rather deal with sad than angry! But, when he was sobbing like a child and t...

Thats not near enough to help him. He needs to go weekly at least

 

[ghotiff]

So it's not that he prefers anger to sadness around you, it's that he gets tired of sadness?

Are all his emotions at extremes. Eg sadness is sobbing and anger is aggressive?

Just trying to understand so I can try and help.

 

[Sighs]

He's a pretty intense person.

I think anger and sadness are closely linked. I recently burst into tears because it is not socially acceptable to reach over a desk and slam the doctor's head into it repeatedly. I think for an infantry soldier its a lot more acceptable to be grumpy and aggressive than it is to sob like a child.

I'd like to help him find ways to manage both the sadness and the anger and - if at all possible - connect again with some positive emotions!

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

He's a pretty intense person.

I think anger and sadness are closely linked. I recently burst into tear...

Slamming a doctor's head against his desk is perfectly acceptable to me. You have my personal blessings. :tup:

 

[ghotiff]

I found that for an emotional to be visible to me it needed to be intense. Learning to notice my emotional state early, and then self soothing early was very important.

The best advice for me was to keep a diary and find the warnings that I was previously missing (boring and tedious, but worthwhile). For me, how I park my car gives me huge insight to my emotional state, and this is visible well before I feel anything. Cars have nothing to do with my traumas, there is no links, it's just a pattern I started to see.

Hope that helps.

 

[Sweetpea76]

His ex-wife did not cope with him being sad. He says he was collapsed on the floor sobbing and she stepped over him and said "I don't have time for this. I'm going out. I want my strong soldier back."

We think the ex-wife either kept them or threw them out.

She sounds like a peach...

 

[scout86]

I suggested trying some kind of code word

My T once commented that the stuff that goes into PTSD was probably more adaptive, back when there really WAS a saber toothed tiger behind every bush. I kind of liked that, and used it again. Then HE used it again.... "There IS no tiger" has kind of become one of those phrases.

I was once in a truly good relationship. He took my name, twisted it into a goofy nickname, and then made that the name of a species of "little wild animal that lived all alone in the woods". When ever he had a point he wanted to make, he'd trot out that animal and comment on how "Wasn't it interesting that they were so easily startled" or what ever. My FAVORITE stories included that fact that those little critters might be hard to get to know, but they were great to have around once you got them to trust you......

Some of what works will depend on him. Personally, "curiosity" is one of my big things. My T found out quickly that "curiosity" will over ride almost everything else, and fairly quickly, if he sets it up and lets it go. For example, I've been having some issues with my brother the narcissist. I'd really like to literally beat him to a pulp. In my last session I mentioned wondering how you can get revenge against a narcissist. T laughed and said, "I'm not going to give you any ideas on THAT." We talked a bit more, I protested his refusal to help. He said, "I'd NEVER suggest you do anything like Google 'revenge against a family member'!" (What I actually searched was "revenge against a narcissist"......) In the process, I learn some stuff, found an interesting web site (which I plan to share a link to elsewhere", and burned off a lot of the rage. I still hate him but don't, quite so much, want to physically hurt him. Sort of an intellectual punching bag?

I've actually used a real punching bag & like that. Running sometimes helps. But that stuff seems to work better when I'm alone. I think you guys will find something that's unique to the 2 of you. (I sure hope he knows how lucky he is to have you in his life, and I'm pretty sure he does. I'm kind of jealous! :))

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes actually @Sighs for ptsd-ers I think you've both made great strides. I'll pull for you guys that he gets over the anger quickly. :hug:

I guess the important question is, is the anger about what others have done, or how he thinks he's failed/ fails?

(((((((((((((((Dear @Sammyiam ))))))))), that was so wrong, re: the best friend. :( :cry: You didn't do anything wrong, & it wasn't your H's fault, either. :hug:

@scout86 , I like the visual of benign saber-toothed tigers. And 'little critters'. :) :hug: