How Do You Cope With Abusive People?

[Hope123321]

Do people in your life abuse you verbally , mentally or emotionally it could be a parent , sibling , friend , spouse , roommate , boss or coworker there's always someone that is in your life and around you that's abusive one way or another whether it be verbally , mentally , emotionally or even physically what i would like to ask is how do you cope with the abuse ?

I try to distance my self , and try and avoid abusive people , and try , and stay clear of them but it seems impossible there is always going to be someone that is in your life and around you that's abusive in some shape or form earthier this person abuses you verbally , mentally , emotionally or physically its hard to distance your self , and avoid , and stay clear of abusive people when they are in our life's and around us.

 

[Neverthesame]

I have a boss who is a narcissistic little shit.

He is one of those people that are just keen to make you miserable because it amuses them. The kind of person who I normally take great delight in knocking down a peg or two. But sadly I need the job. So I feel like a kid again having to hold my tongue while some childish man acts like a tosser, and I just have to take it. It f*cking sucks.

But that's life, it's seldom fair. It is what it is.

If and when I find a job to replace this one. Ahh, telling him where and how he can shove his f*cking job, is gonna be sweet.

But until then, bite my tongue and remind myself that he isn't worth getting fired for.

 

[Rumors]

I tend to invite them in my house, make them coffee, feed them, house them, employ them, or marry them. Worst of all, I buy in to everything they say about me hence the reason why I am in therapy and probably will be forever. I hope someday to change this....

 

[A concerned spouse]

I pray for them . . . And pray for them . . . And pray for them . . . And then I pray that God never allows me to be that way toward anyone.

 

[The Albatross]

I try to frame my dealings with them as opportunities for boundary setting... personal growth challenges instead of adversity and then to manage do what A Concerned Spouse shared above walking it out with as much presence of mind and dignity as I can muster without blowing a gasket... looking for an opportunity that will either remove the offender from my "equation" or one that will remove myself from the situation.

I also examine my own perspective carefully because I am hardwired to perceive abuse/threats and try to determine if it's "real" or my own stuff being projected onto someone's personality/character style.

 

[Friday]

Ideally, I don't.

When I've made the choice to? Limit my exposure as much as possible, maintain my integrity as much as possible, frequent check-ins with sane-sorts, & absolutely no secrets. (Meaning I don't hide or cover for them, ever). Even doing all of these things, while it will help, there will still be after-effects. Knowing someone is abusive helps, but the effects over time can become really pervasive.

When I have no choice? (Read, I'm imprisoned somewhere, because failing that... There is always choice. I may not like the consequences; less pay, etc., but not liking the consequences of a choice is vastly different than having none). Laughter & Violence & Dont sweat the small shit.

 

[Chava]

there is always going to be someone that is in your life and around you that's abusive

I don't believe this is really true (in a general way...so I'm not saying it isn't true for you). Like @Neverthesame I've worked for a narcissist and, since I'm no good at ass-kissing, I simply did my job (I like my work, so it's no problem) and tried to keep a distance. But when needed I put on a smile, etc. I've had to set boundaries with a nutty sick colleague as well. My all-around tactic is avoidance. I wouldn't say that's perfect because I avoid good relationships as well. But boundaries and distance, yes.

I have also met people who believed they were victims of bullying or abuse when, to all others involved, that was not the story, but the real story was distorted by the background of the person feeling like a victim...a hair-trigger response to simply being questioned, constructively criticized, or even having boundaries set. Not saying this is you either, I don't know your experience.

But if you continually feel surrounded by abuse, you could change your surroundings and people (to the extent it is possible), distance yourself or create better boundaries, or double check that it is directly abusive vs creating a negative feeling akin to feeling abused (if this makes any sense), or if some part of you is drawn to these people (like these are your friends, vs colleagues...I don't know based on what you've described). And, if appropriate, report the person or find the right person to call them out (like if a work issue). It sounds weird, but I've typically been drawn to people I couldn't possibly have a good relationship with.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Throw them the hell out of my life.

 

[seedling]

I work on figuring out why they are there, what I have done to "invite" them into my life and what I need to do to stand up to them.
At the least there is a lesson to be learned.

 

[anonymous]

If it is someone that I absolutely can not get out of my life, and there are those cases out there, and all boundaries are not working and they are being jerks, sometimes, I try to picture them as children. Children throwing temper tantrums don't trigger me, so this kind of works for me. Other times, I try to think of a reason why they are being an ass. Not a justification, but a reason that isn't related to me - even an imaginary reason. That guy who cut me off, maybe his mom just died. My family member who just dumped insults on me, maybe they stubbed their toe just before calling me. That helps me not take in the rude comments as much while I end the interaction ASAP.

Non-violent communication techniques (can be found online at a number of sites) can help sometimes to navigate an awful interaction with no other way out. It's a set of communication skills that are simple but can sometimes work to descalate sometime who is being verbally cruel. Sometimes.

 

[Gadgie]

I don't have any visitors, or folk who annoy me in my life, but if I did I would just come right out and say what's on my mind.

I never used to be like this, I used be timid and go along with things, rather than "upset" anyone.

Now, I'm the opposite, I tend to fly off the handle, and tell them exactly what I think and feel.

I think it's my mood swings, along with being in constant pain, that has changed me, or it could be that I'm just a "grumpy old man".........Aye! that must be it?

 

[Hope123321]

Yea iam very timid and get really anxious and nervous and feel like a child again when someone yells at me or raises there voice at me , and your right you cant make everyone happy you have to make your self happy first and i struggle with doing that because i dont want to upset anyone and id rather avoid the conflict ...