Emotional Flashbacks Or Something Worse

[Nevermore]

I'm hoping someone here can relate to this as I am really struggling and starting to think that maybe I have something worse than CPTSD.
When I get triggered I often don't know exactly what it is that's been said or what's happened. All I know is I go into this horrible emotional state that lasts for DAYS, and this last one has been nearly a WEEK )-:
I've stayed away from work this week and communicated with others as little as I possibly can because I know I'm not right.
I feel confused, panicky and anxious, explosive, suicidal, desperate - mainly desperate desperate desperate!!! At the same time I feel like I have no voice, that even if I did speak to someone I would be unable to describe the emotional turmoil I am now in, even more unable to describe the reasons why. It came on during a phone call, but I don't know what it was in that phone call that set me off. We were not in agreement, but it wasn't really personal - maybe it highlighted to me how different I feel from most people because of the intensity I feel around certain issues that those who haven't been affected by them would not and could not understand.
Now I've written that, it actually makes me think that's what it was - that feeling of being different, of living in a different world from most people, of having lived a very different reality from most.
Does anybody else get these waves of emotional craziness and not understand why it's happening, and not know how long it will take to subside?
Today I feel like I'm slowly coming back together, but it has been days of absolute and uncontrollable internal hell.

 

[Chava]

I relate to this, and it's not worse than cptsd, but probably just that bad. Maybe shades of personality or attachment disorder, if that deep. I go for days, months, weeks, and years feeling disconnected from the human species beyond surface appearances. I'm not saying this is how it is for you, but for me it sums up pretty neatly as developmental trauma. I miss the crucial links of trust, faith in relationships, and ability to ask for help or feel real in connections to others. I don't have much advise. But just saying it's probably not worse that chronic or complex trauma.

 

[Seasounds]

Yes, I have experienced this kind of craziness. (It is a trip, in and of itself.) Especially before doing a lot of therapy, I would find myself feeling more upset, frozen, or depressed, than usual, and not having any idea why.

At first I was so in denial of my upset/mildly disassociative behaviors, that other people would notice before I did, and ask, "is anything wrong?"

As I 'unfroze'-gained safety to relax, and as I have gained insight into my triggers, I can more and more quickly, catch the 'what, where, and why', of what is behind why I developed increased signs of being upset. And then, I have more ability to more quickly turn it around.

And, there are still some instances, where I don't know what bothered me. Now, as compared to the past, I trust and respect what my body/myself is exhibiting, and work to wind down, slow down, do self-care and heal.

Through this forum, I've found, like you described, that writing about what is happening, even if it is a vague or a specific description, it frequently helps me-I guess be cause I organize my thoughts-which helps me feel more oriented, and I get to EXpress the craziness, rather than keep it inside.

I hope your craziness becomes easier for you.

 

[Ocean5]

Yes, recently learned emotion flashbacks and/or panic attacks... More hours for me. But some last days...... *hug*

 

[Suzetig]

I know what you're talking about - I'm in the midst of a spell like that just now, feeling anxious, mistrustful, angry at myself, self loathing and despair at feeling better. I know what started it off and I've been fighting it on and off for 2 weeks now and yesterday feel like I've just given in to it. I too feel like I want to withdraw and keep away from everyone.

I don't know that it's more than complex trauma so much as where I go to - kind of like my own special trauma place. I'm seeing my therapist this evening - she usually manages to ground me but its absolute hell when you're in it.

 

[Nevermore]

"My special trauma place" - I like that. That's exactly what it's like - full of feelings and experiences that don't feel general at all! They feel very specific to me, and not shareable )-:
It's probably more like the opposite of dissociation. I'm feeling too much all at once and unrelated to what's happening in reality.
I think I've experienced dissociation though, but it's different to this.
Thanks for all the replies . It really does help to say it and hear from others going through this.
Makes me sad there are so many of us!

 

[One step at a time]

This is exactly what it felt like for the longest time, and memory recovery was a totally separate process that involved dissociating deeply. This week, I finally realized that the "emotional flashbacks" are the emotional pieces of my memories of the worst recurring abuse. They are now sometimes accompanied by reliving specific incidents of that abuse. I guess this means I am getting better at connecting what I felt/feel with what I experienced/ am experiencing.

 

[Nevermore]

@One step at a time thats really interesting. Perhaps that's so for me too. I've just had another bout of it, but still for me it's just the feelings - well no, the feelings and feeling I'm back in that time, but no specific memories, just the feeling of being back there.
I realise I have tried to compartmentalise that time and makd it separate from my life - have never really talked In depth about any of it and maybe that is the problem.
Though reliving it sounds hard!!! Do you feel freer of the memories by doing that?

 

[One step at a time]

@One step at a time thats really interesting. Perhaps that's so for me too. I've...

If the memories start to come back less often, I guess I'll be able to say that the process of connecting feelings with memories makes me freer. This whole thing is pretty recent, so I don't know yet. Also, it is interesting that you say "the feeling of being back there." Does this mean you have a sense that what you are experiencing is at a time other than now? Or do you mean your sense of the present goes away?

For me, someone noticed that I was speaking in the present tense while describing the events of the flashback, and later in the conversation said "The flashbacks are real, they're just not now." It was kind of a revelation for me: These things were real, they happened, but I am living/experiencing the present.

 

[selfcompassion]

I'm hoping someone here can relate to this as I am really struggling and starting to think that maybe...

I have early attachment, neglect, and abuse as an infant. When I flashback, there is no CONTENT, no obvious trigger that I'm aware of, and consist of raw feeling with a lot of body sensations. They seem gripping, timeless, and I feel hugely vulnerable during them. I had one a week ago that last 4 to 6 days.
Infants have no sense of time, they aren't cognitive enough to put thought and words to there experience. It is all raw feeling of fear, dispair, and body memories that come with it.
I just accept all feelings and sensation and allow them to happen ....no self judgement. Why? Some traumatized infant child part of me needs this from me. I acknowledge it, talk to it, ask it what it needs...IFS..inner family systems. I'm gentle and caring to myself.
I welcome my flashbacks. They provide an opportunity to heal myself....every single time. Every single time it is some traumatized part of me, and damn it, I'm going to accept that part of me and love on it. No more shame, no more feeling different, no more rejecting, no more feeling damaged, or any negative connotations ever again....this is freeing.

 

[Nevermore]

real[/I], they're just not now." It was kind of a revelation for me: These things were real, they happened, but I am living/experiencing the present.

I'm going to write that somewhere I see it every day. It's simple! But sometimes so hard to remember that.
The feeling of being back there is the feeling of another time. It feels very dark and like I'm totally trapped - my inability to trust others just adds to the trapped feeling. The desperation becomes unbearable.
I don't feel like that most of the time these days. It's like a different person and a different world when I feel that way.
I hate it. /-;