Healing: Balance Between Wallowing And Avoidance

[Kintsugi]

I'm struggling to figure out where the space is between self-pitying and total avoidance. How do you know when you're making genuine progress on healing versus running away from the issues? Where is the line between doing the work and getting too deep into your past? How do you know how to put in the work without letting your trauma overtake you?

My therapist absolutely kicked my ass last night. She touched me somewhere that I didn't know existed. I've never had such a violent internal reaction to a mental health professional. And it's good; that's why I chose her to be my T. But she also told me that I seem to frame myself as fundamentally "wrong," and she told me that I am stuck in a storyline, which, when I asked what that story was, she said, "That you are f*cked up."

Well... this message comes on the heels of someone else saying essentially the same thing. That I've allowed myself to become stagnant in the belief that I am fundamentally broken, essentially.

I've made a lot of life changes in an attempt to become a healthier self, but I know that my first impulse when I feel I've gotten too far into the trenches of my trauma is to completely shut it all out and avoid thinking about it at all. I go off with the idea that I'm meaningfully moving on, healing, not looking back, etc., and then... a few months later or so, I tend to break down and end right back where I was before supposedly committing myself to healing instead of wallowing.

I want to work. I don't want to wallow. I don't want to avoid, either, though. Where is the sweet spot? How do you know when you've arrived at the sweet spot? I want to "break out" of my "narrative," as my T said, but I also don't want to run the risk of shutting it all down, ignoring the shit out of my need to engage with all of these emotions etc., and then have a meltdown later. The stakes just keep getting higher as I move through my life. I simply cannot afford this pattern of "Work. Wallow. Move on. AVOID. Meltdown."

As a postscript... I still haven't talked through my trauma. Ever. Closest I came was reading for 3.5 minutes from my memoir about trauma/incest for my thesis in college. I have never talked about it. Maybe this is in the way of the progress I need in order to move on? I don't f*cking know.

 

[watundah]

I think you are on to something. Sometimes giving voice to the pains we harbor disempower them while empowering you. It may be time to share the experiences with your therapist and lean on her to help you release the trauma. Good luck. I am skimming around the edges of discussing incest as well. So difficult. Perhaps you can share your journal to ease the process?

 

[scout86]

I sure hope someone comes up with a good, coherent, clear, definitive answer to this one!

I had a bit of a conversation with my T awhile back, about "talking about stuff". I told him I couldn't really see much point to it. The past is what it is, talking about it won't change it. Further more, how I feel at any given time also is what it is and I fail to see how "talking about it" could be helpful. He said that was logical enough, but that it was also wrong. (Yes, he actually, flat out, told me I was WRONG!) He said that it was easy to understand how a person could come to feel that way, if they had virtually no experience with "talking about things" doing any good, and perhaps it had even caused harm in the past. He suggested I think about it.

I'm still thinking about it.

This has been a weirdly crappy week. I say "weirdly" because I can't pin it to anything except how I "feel" and I can't put a name to THAT. Other than to call it "bad" and say that I wish it would stop. And he wants me to TALK about stuff????

@Simply Simon, I'm 100% sure this applied to YOU, but it doesn't apply to me at all. I don't think you have "self pity" in your repertoire. I think you'd have to work crazy hard to pity yourself and I'm not sure you can do it if you try. But, you might make a deal with your T that she promises to point it out, if she catches you doing it. Then you can find the line by trial and error. (Which is probably the way most people with "normal" childhoods figure it out.)

I also get the whole "wrong" thing. My T says he thinks my "job" in my family of origin was to be "wrong". :bag:
.

 

[The Albatross]

"I want to "break out" of my "narrative," as my T said, but I also don't want to run the risk of shutting it all down, ignoring the shit out of my need to engage with all of these emotions etc., and then have a meltdown later. The stakes just keep getting higher as I move through my life. I simply cannot afford this pattern of "Work. Wallow. Move on. AVOID. Meltdown."

As a postscript... I still haven't talked through my trauma. Ever. Closest I came was reading for 3.5 minutes from my memoir about trauma/incest for my thesis in college. I have never talked about it. Maybe this is in the way of the progress I need in order to move on? I don't f*cking know."

When the fear of staying the same outweighs the fear of initiating change and you endeavor to risk, cuz in all life there is risk you know... that's where the growth is.

I would encourage you also... to risk talking through your trauma.

 

[Friday]

Just here to say... Been right freaking right there with you for the past month or two.

 

[Ronin]

I'm good with work, work, work.

Give me a break and I wallow & avoid in a circle, chasing my tail until there's suitable enough work snapping me from it.

So, right there with ya. But I'll come back when I figure something useful for that. As usual.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

in my world of personal reflection and aspiring to change, I am tackling this very thing as part of MY "narrative" is "You ruin EVERYTHING you touch!" I know this is a lie, but it's my first knee-jerk internal response to almost ANY mistake or perceived mistake. :( I think "pride" is a factor for me, fer sher, cuz I am a recovering "perfectionist" ..

:hug:

~S2B

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

When the fear of staying the same outweighs the fear of initiating change and you endeavor to risk, cuz in all life there is risk you know... that's where the growth is.

^^^^ THIS.

 

[Ronin]

Which brings me to thoughts (another perfectionist, here) one way out of that one is recognizing what did a person do right, by their own standards.

I may not be satisfied with the end result, but I can be satisfied with the small steps leading to that result, and recognize their usefulness, leading to recognizing my usefulness & self concept changing.

 

[joeylittle]

I think (personally) this is where some DBT works well on the top few layers of negative core beliefs.

Identifying the small moments where you default to a thought or feeling that supports the 'I'm f*cked up' belief, and reframing them as neutral.

It's not going to shift everything, but it's a manageable, structured, non meltdown provoking way to practice catching and changing those beliefs. Actually being disciplined about it is pretty hard work, but because the fundamental upshot is to develop non-judgmental thinking, it's not generally triggery and it's the opposite of wallowing.

Another way to look at it: core beliefs are global issues. They have component parts. You can't go at the whole core belief at once, it will overwhelm you. The process is to identify the parts that create the belief, and work on those.

I believe I am disgusting and repulsive. One part of that is made up of thoughts about my appearance, another about my trauma, another about my alone-ness. And if I then broke down the alone-ness, there'd be lots of smaller habitual thoughts about how I have no real support in my life. But actually, most of the time when I think that thought, it's got some distortion on it that I can work through and reframe. Doing this consistently does end up having an effect. Appearance, I can't touch that without getting overwhelmed, so I save that topic for therapy.

Don't know if this helps, but it's my way of looking at it.

 

[Kintsugi]

@joeylittle I was hoping you'd chime in on this subject, as I believe you're quite skilled at finding this 'sweet spot' from my observations of you on the forum.

I really appreciate all of the replies. I'd like to respond further, but my T just handed my ass to me in so many ways... I'm having extreme trouble concentrating without dissolving into intrusive thoughts and all my crazy compulsive talking to myself bullshit. :banghead:

 

[joeylittle]

Sounds like you'd benefit from some straight-up distraction. It's always ok to put it on the shelf, too. Compartmentalizing isn't bad - it's just putting down the hard project so you can pick up something easier. Really, the only difference between compartmentalizing and avoidance is that one consciously acknowledges non-judgementally that it's time to switch focus, and the other tries to pretend that there never was a trigger to begin with.