Help Needed To Not Make Situation Worse

[desiderata310]

YOU SHOULD be managing the situation to the health and safety of your daughter. That is the only person right now who matters. Anyone else who says otherwise is the "manipulating" asshole.
I said it once, I'll say it again: Lawyer up, lady. Do not agree to meet with him without council at your side. Then set the terms to benefit the health safety and welfare of your daughter.
It's called being a good parent.
Also: this is from someone who HAS PTSD. Everything he has done is bullshit.
Take care of you and the child.
The rest is secondary. INCLUDING people who talk shit about you.

 

[desiderata310]

And just because he is a manipulator who abandoned his kid you should be worried.

 

[desiderata310]

Did I mention, "Do not agree to meet with him without council by your side"?

 

[Friday]

Lawyer up. Let them do the talking

^^^^
This.

It doesn't have to be acrimonious, just because lawyers are involved. Many family law attorneys specialize in peaceful resolutions, but realistic ones.

 

[Friday]

I want to sit down and say here are my terms... Get help!

From a sufferers point of view... While that statement may make sense to you? It makes about as much sense to me -in this moment- as if I said in answer to your question of what to do? Be smart.

And then... Nothing.

"Get help" makes sense to people who understand what that looks like. I know what that looks like when I'm doing well. I'm not right at the moment, and I literally just stared at the page for a minute. Um. That makes no sense. What kind of help? In what parameters? Where? How? Who? Timeframe? Consequences? Brain. Melt.

And yet? I've been through an $80,000+ divorce that had every permutation in it legally allowed (in my state, there are 11, under 3 umbrella categories; financial, physical, custodial). Most divorces only have 3-4 at most, some only have 1-2. My divorce was complicated as f*ck.

If I sit down with any divorced person period? Be smart? Has some very basic levels of understanding attached. If I sit down with any other acrimonious-divorce person? Be smart? Has a very definite series of meanings. ... But talk to any married person? Or worse, someone like yourself who is suddenly thrust into having to look at divorce (when kids are involved, same problems apply, generally speaking)? OMFG What does that mean??? How do I do it? What do I do? What do I not do???

Telling him to get help as your terms? Might as well put the toddler in the car & tell them to drive to the store, do the shopping, & fetch the dry cleaning on their way home. It just ain't gonna happen. As you've seen. Because he hasn't done what he's needed to do before now, under even less stress. So no, sweetheart. He hasn't "gotten" it before, and isn't gonna get it now. Not without being led by the nose (attorney, attorney, attorney... And probably mom, counselor, & you adhering to boundaries laid out in your parenting plan). He's about to have a shit ton of help getting it together if he's going to be a part of your lives. You need help, too. Lawyer.

...

Hint : Be Smart Rule # 1 = No emotional games. Don't play them (you'll want to, hurt & angry, believe me you will want to), and to the very best of your ability don't get suckered in by him playing them. Very very very few people can get through divorce without emotional bullshit games.

# 2 = A good lawyer.

Rules #3-100 you'll pick up along the way. The fast track to that is a clearheaded professional laying shit out in black and white.

 

[anonymous]

I am reading through the posts and I see some very good advice said in many different ways. I hope something here really helps you.

Short version long term relationship, have a 3 year old together.

It's not clear if the two of you are legally married.

Getting child support should be your main focus right now. Have it taken care of in the courts. It'is ultimately best for everyone involved. Most of all it is what's best for your daughter. Her father is responsible for contributing financially to her health and well being. She is the innocent party here and doing what is necessary for her is the top priority.

On top of him leaving us in the dust, last Wednesday I was in an accident and lost my vehicle and am injured. I STILL didn't reach out to him.

It's not clear what your desired outcome in all this is. Do you wish you had a relationship with him?

Do you wish he was there to help you through this difficult time physically and emotionally and resent that he is not?

Do you have hopes of getting back together with him and being a happy family?

I reached out to my mother and his for guidance

Did you reach out for guidance or did you know they would call him?

By your posts it does not seem you feel threatened by him.
If you wanted him to know anything, you should have called him yourself. Giving your power away sets you and your daughter up for victimization. You are not responsible for his healing. You are responsible for your healing and growth and most of all, you are responsible for your daughter.

Not having child support paid through the court and going through others to contact him is just making more stress and drama possible.

You need to ask yourself some hard questions and make some hard choices.

The questions now is, "Are you ready to be a mature, responsible adult and parent?"

It's not my intent to attack you or insinuate you are doing anything wrong. I am in no way judging you. I am deliberately asking you difficult questions in hopes you take some time and really think about you and your little girls future.

 

[Livy's Mom]

Phew... Ok. I've read through the latest posts and I will do my best to respond to each of the talking points that struck a cord with me or that I have answers to.

"Get help" makes sense to people who understand what that looks like.

So I know this. In my logical brain I know. My emotional brain says WTF?!?!?? I fortunately allow my logical brain to rule "most" of the time. This is why I have been as successful with him in this relationship as I have. And yes compared to his previous relationships this one is a raging success.

This brings me to where I am at with our relationship.

We are not legally married. He owns the house I live in with my daughter. We bought it together financially 2 years ago.

I have truly never thought it's the end, it's over. If this sounds foolish to anyone I understand but after the first episode like this I educated myself on all the factors to the best of my ability and made a conscious decision to stick with him.

Although not legal I did and still have every intention on keeping my commitment to our family.

I realize that sometimes that just isn't in the cards even in relationships with no mental health or substance abuse issues and there is an even higher likelihood that it will not be up to me to decide.

That's ok. I am at peace with the waiting game and the symptoms and how they affect me. I always know that this can and will happen again and again. I made the decision to stay and continue to try.

What becomes unclear to me is how to navigate the issues when they arise as it relates to our daughter.

I can take the isolation and emotional numbness for what it is. I know how to handle it.

I do NOT know how to handle any of this when it comes to my daughter. I accepted that his feelings for me will come and go and I will never have the traditional relationship. I don't consider that sad. In fact, when not going through one of these times, I have felt more love from him than any other man in my life.

I used to think that his behavior was hard on me and how on earth can anyone deal with this but it became easier with knowledge. She doesn't have that knowledge. She can't make these choices for herself.

If at any time I felt like walking, I WOULD. I just can't find that same balance when it comes to her.

I fear I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Does all of that rambling make sense?!

 

[desiderata310]

yep
It makes sense.

FIRST, (I know people cringe but I swear this is the best thing right now) get that little girl into therapy. I've got the T-shirt from raising 3 kids who's dad abandoned them due to his own mental illness. I waited. I am now having to help them through life's crises and help get them into therapy after the fact. I should have done it years ago.

You are gonna need it too.
Just.. yeah. You are going to need that emotional support of a therapist who can help you navigate this if your plan is to stay.

Finally, I STILL believe that you should seek council and meet with him and legal. Having an impartial witness is going to be important. Someone who has a level head, knows the ropes should it come down to his insistence on REALLY parting ways (who pays for the house etc, how visitation works, how child support works etc.)

You are not damned for leaving a relationship that you get nothing out of. I think you need to hear that.
It doesn't matter how much you love him and are willing to put up with. EVENTUALLY, if he doesn't get better and actively work towards betterment and stability for you, then you will find yourself burned out and bitter. It won't happen tomorrow or the next day but 10 years down the line? Being in that kind of self-sacrificing situation with no give will wear you down.

It's time to do what is necessary for you and your little girl. If he comes back then you lay down the law and you have legal to back you up in the meanwhile.

Does THAT make sense?

 

[nursenurse]

Get everything down legally. You will get burned if you try to handle it yourself.this is business. You set your boundaries legally, he either goes with them or not, or you guys are able to hammer something out that is binding. Think with your head. Your child did not ask for this, you owe it to her to have everything properly set out. It doesn't have to be a fight. But it needs to be written, legal and binding, otherwise you will find yourself afloat with no consequences and a "Whoa, I never saw that coming.". And throwing your hands in the air wondering what to do next.

 

[scout86]

I believe that was the best anonymous post I've ever seen here.

# 2 = A good lawyer.

Beyond good. Excellent. The best you can find. But someone with a reputation for looking out for the kids involved, not just "winning". Ask around. Don't just pick the first name in the phone book. Lawyers, like therapists, are not all created equal.

Your situation, not being married, is a little precarious. But, right now, you have what should sound like a good reason, even to him, to get some stuff sorted out and nailed down. You don't know what's going to happen. You don't know if he's going to stay or go, or what. And you have your daughter to worry about in either case. So, you DO need to know what happens as far as her support and housing in either case. You need to know how involved in her life he intends to be. You need to know that he gets that she has feelings too and needs to be looked out for all the way around. In some states, at least, if you can prove that you bought the house together, it's partly yours, even if you're not married.

And, yeah, therapy for all! Maybe both separately and together. I'd like to think that someone with PTSD can manage to be in a relationship and make it work, not just be a millstone around the neck of who ever was unfortunate enough to become involved with him/her. I do wonder sometimes....

 

[UnKnown-Self]

If you stay together or not get the house issue straightened out. You might not see it as an issue and it might not be right now but somewhere down the line it will become an issue. It's not a matter of trust, it's about feeling secure. He should want you to feel secure and this should not be a problem.

While you are aware your daughter will be affected by her father's behavior, have you thought about how she will be affected by how you handle things? This kind of stress over the long haul will take its toll. How you handle it now and how you cope in a few years and longer are two totally different realities. Remember, without help PTSD does not get better. Combine that with a drinking problem it's sure to get worse.

n fact, when not going through one of these times, I have felt more love from him than any other man in my life.

I walked many a mile in those shoes and my heart goes out to you and aches for you. I hope you decide to get some therapy to help you cope.

 

[Livy's Mom]

Does THAT make sense?

Came across crystal clear hahaha!

I am in therapy and have avoided legal action due to emotion but I know it's what needs to happen.

I can't thank you all enough for tough words and support. There were so many things I want to quote and acknowledge as "aha moments" in what you all wrote but in on an iPhone and it's torture!

I also agree therapy for the little one is necessary. I don't want to ever lie to her about why things are the way they are so I need a professional to help me explain in an age appropriate way.

have you thought about how she will be affected by how you handle things?

All the time! If I'm honest with myself, if I were giving her advice on this very situation I would say you deserve more. Period.

I feel powerful after reading through everything you have written. Sad still but more empowered to do for just her and I.

The goal is to STAY here.