My Way Is Better

[Mammo]

Hi everyone,

So, I've started seeing my T again (post nightmare of avoiding involuntary hospitalisation by the skin of my teeth)...

I feel like something is starting to dawn on me (always was a slow learner)...

Item 1: Feeling feelings
Over the months that we did work on the somatic 'feeling' stuff - eventually I started to "feel" or be more aware of feeling really frightened/anxiety in my body. e.g. catching my breath constantly; feeling physically sick; heart literally pounding as if I just ran a race...really, it's been really alien feeling and not enjoyable. He's been trying for some time to get me to be "angry." (I can think I'm angry. I know I have felt anger in the past...but can't switch it on).

Question: Is this guy likely trying to get me to be feeling anger the same way I am with the anxiety stuff? Why on earth would that be a good thing? The anxiety thing is bad enough, as it is surprisingly frequent and over nothing...why on earth would I want more of the same but with "anger" which is even worse?

Item 2: learning from mistakes
I also think - he's trying to get me to basically cast aside all the things I've learned from all the crap that I've been through. I've learned unfortunately multiple times: that people cannot really be relied upon; when push comes to shove you're on your own in this. To avoid getting close to people, because this will mean if things go wrong, it won't hurt as much. I hope this makes sense?

Question: He seems to want me to stop doing this. Which in my view, renders me vulnerable. I feel mortified at this idea, the notion of being at risk of going through that again? (unless maybe his point is that it's not that big a deal?) But fundamentally - why the hell would I want to do that?????

My way is better.

 

[Friday]

Question: Is this guy likely trying to get me to be feeling anger the same way I am with the anxiety stuff? Why on earth would that be a good thing? The anxiety thing is bad enough, as it is surprisingly frequent and over nothing...why on earth would I want more of the same but with "anger" which is even worse?

What does he say when you ask him?

Item 2: learning from mistakes
I also think - he's trying to get me to basically cast aside all the things I've learned from all the crap that I've been through.

Some of the things we "learn" are bullshit.

Learning from mistakes is awesome, as long as they're actually useful, and as long as they're actually correct. Smearing yourself with feces, and making yourself as ugly as possible, may keep someone from being raped less often... but it won't prevent rape from ever happening. And it has a whole helluva lot of negative consequences. Hard to find respectable employment, or make new friends, etc... with poop in your hair.

Part of therapy is breaking shit down into what's useful, what's not useful, and what's just flat out incorrect.

 

[Mammo]

What does he say when you ask him?



Some of the things we "learn" are bullshit.

Learning from mis...

Hi @FridayJones - I've not asked him this yet...as I've just sort of had this epiphany randomly. I wanted to see if others may see this as being the primary goal of this somatic feeling stuff...

re: the poo in my hair - how ever did you know!? I'm mercifully not that extreme. I just generally try to stay away from people other than professional/work conversations. Part of me would of course like meaningful relationships, but previous experience tells me it's unlikely to happen and that the risk of pain is likely greater than the rewards. I could ask him this - but want to avoid coming across as too confrontational or implying that he's not good.

thank you for your thoughts.

 

[Mammo]

The story continues...my questions to him were:
1. All of these "examples" I have of where things have gone wrong and I end up getting smashed (in all the different areas of life) - am I being unreasonable to find these things so upsetting?
2. Is this number/breadth of "stuff" normal for people? I.e. Have I through my way of thinking turned what is essentially normal into something abnormal??

His reply:
In response to your questions, it seems to me that your mind has started to self-attack after our session. Both the questions you asked have a strong theme in them that there is something wrong with you or that you’re making something up. It’s normal to have these types of reactions during a session and afterwards. The important thing is to recognise the patterns of when these thoughts occur. They will almost always show up when you try to make progress. They will also show up whenever you start to connect with feelings as physiological experiences in the body.

These thoughts operate to attack you for progress and connection to emotion. The goal is not to engage with them and find reasons why they are true. You can do that if you want to but you will feel worse and more isolated. The goal is to ignore them and find reasons why this thinking will keep you a complete slave to feeling like a failure for your lifetime. Buying and believing these thoughts will keep you completely controlled by them and lead you to behaviours that create more and more misery.

I know it is very difficult to change when you’ve been looking for the truth of things in this area for a long time. I’d suggest reading some of this book as it explains in more detail why these thoughts start up from growing up with a parent who can go into rages: http://www.amazon.com/dp/1508769915/?tag=pf03-20

******************
I don't know if anyone has read the book he mentions...I've read 75% of it today. One of the goals it discusses is avoiding the "anxiety" and "defence mechanisms" to then *feel* the underlying feelings like anger. Anger is then 'processed' by doing really bizarre exercises like imagining beating someone to death.

Er - wtf? He's tried doing this with me previously and I found it extremely upsetting.

I don't buy this stuff. I've read this book, and it just sounds fad-like. What the hell is this stuff based on, and why should I believe this explanation over the other ones i've received from MH professionals before (e.g. chemical imbalance theory all the way to 'your parents abused you').

Also, it's the tone that underpins all of this - it reminds me of thoughtcrime out of 1984...

I don't understand. I don't get it and I don't believe it.